Being not wanted sucks. Being left out sucks. Having it rubbed in my face sucks.
All these things suck the first time but time after time they start to hurt more and more.
So as I stop getting invited, so do other people. As I keep getting left out, so do other people.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Clearly my actions weren't enough.
So maybe my inaction will help you better understand how I feel.

You'd think that words dont do anything but they do.
They hurt just as much as being left out.
They hurt just as much as if you had actually punched me.
Be a big boy and use your words that you didn't find in the gutter.
Don't find the crudest word possible to get your point across, just say what you need to.
When did civility become the last thing on your priorities?

bitching

I'm sitting on my bed video chatting with zena. I have a bag of oreos on my right and comfy pillows on my left. I love spring break! Shoe, Zee and I had an hour long video chat and Shoe was excited until Zee and I told her that we'd vc'd for 3 hours before. Sarah, Zena and I vc'd TWO nights ago, and Zee is convinced it was last night. =) Today I babysat and made $30 bucks that will be gone by tomorrow. College tour is fast approaching and I'm SO EXCITED! It's gonna be the BOMB.COM! GAH! Rooming with my Lieutenant, Sarah and Millie and Millie and I have promised to do morning workouts to Hannah Montana! (heeheehee...) Dessert Hopping WILL occur along with the eating of the finest dining these cities can offer, ON A BUDGET! It's all going to go swimmingly! Following College Tour is my 16TH BIRTHDAY! I'm really excited because I want to have a big girl birthday party (that means a dinner party of some sort). No hassle, just nice clothes, nice music, and great food! =) Along with all of this is DRAMA ENSEMBLE LETTERS! Soon to be received (hopefully) and read. I'm so FRIGGIN nervous about those. OH! And IDK if my BEST FRIEND is moving to TENNESSEE! WTF?!?! It's up in the air...grumble grumble.
Thanks for listening to my bitching!
xo
pb

Dear Zee,

You really don't know what you have until it's gone, or almost gone.
I was so sure and so secure
then it all came tumbling down and nothing makes sense
because you could be gone.
because you could leave.
because you could be out of my life.
You keep me sane, you make me happy, you make me laugh.
You light up my days, you give me hope, you understand me.
I love you so much and you are my rock.

nothing is safe enough to stand on
to live on
to sleep on
nothing is sacred or respected
everything is part of
or not enough
or not mine
nothing is good enough
nothing is willing
nothing is open or able
nothing is sacred

adult

to be adult is to be fully grown, mentally and physically.
it is nothing more.
you cannot decree it.
it is not based on emotions or happiness level.
it is based upon where you are within yourself.
do not judge unless you know a person, fully and wholly.
only then can you say that they are immature or child-like.
never before. only after.
never before. only after.
never before. only after.

Puerto Vallarta

I'm glad that I'm not going back this year. As paradise-y as it is, I need to purge myself of that place. Yes, there are a multitude of good memories there, but there are just as many bad. I have been there so many times that I can tell you exactly what the top step of the dark blue pool feels like about a week and a half in when a pocket of sand begins to form in the corner. I can tell you what the palapa feels like right before everyone is called to dinner. I can tell you what the kitchen smells like after breakfast when everybody is cleaning. I can even tell you what it feels like to jump in the light blue pool after being in the dark blue one. I can hear the waves from my room and taste the strawberry smoothies. I can hear the laughter as we run to the kitchen (from the back entrance of course) to get a late night snack of Zucaritas y leche or, if they have them, coconut ice cream in the coconut shells. I can taste the bread they put out at dinner and the AMAZING pancakes they make. I can feel the tiles of the dark blue pool under my feet. I can smell the sunscreen/pina colada smell that forms in the bedrooms during midday. I can hear the fiesta from the palapa and smell the grilled lobster. I can feel the excitement that you get when driving from the airport to the house and how every turn on that road feels like, THIS one must be it. I'm glad to not be going, but sad that I'm not at the same time. I might even miss the gritty sand that you can't find anywhere else that ends up everywhere; luggage, bathroom, shower, pool, kitchen, palapa, bed, sunscreen. As long as my parents bring me back some blueberry Trident that CANNOT be found anywhere else and some Bubbaloo. And some bracelets. Then I'll be happy.

Analogy

Where I expected tears
I got nothing
Where I expected longing
I got indifference
Where I expected fear
I got vigor
It's as if the best, most delicious soup in the world were in the bowl.
Then someone spit in it, and threw dirt in it.
And for a while I tried so hard to save that soup because it was so...worth it.
Then I looked at the soup and realized it was ruined and not worth my time fixing.
And I'm fine with that.
I have the best bread, drinks, dessert and steak right over here.
So I don't need that soup anymore.
And I'm fine with that.

I laugh at your frustration
I find your annoyance hilarious.
I feel nothing towards you.
Just memories of what used to be.
what was fun.
what used to be enjoyable but is no longer bearable.
adios!

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever
-Seventy Times 7-Brand New

The Future

It's this stupid gut feeling and just the thought of it is enough to make me want to cry.
Take a cookie cutter and punch a hole in my life, why dontchya?
I can sit outside there for ever waiting for you to show up and you won't and I'll cry.
This cannot happen.
I know I've said that before but I mean it.
I will be a wreck without you, despite the constant digital communication.

OMIGOSH!

I missed my one-year bloggiversary! It was almost a month ago! Feb. 17th, 2009 is when I started this blog. So YAY for over a year!

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and forget the ones that don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
-Anonymous

Immature

Little girls with party hats and taffeta dresses.
Put down the phone and look at the room.
20 questions gets you nowhere.
The noisemakers go off as the cake enters the room.
We are all here for you.
I hate this feeling.

Mental

It's like I can't focus because everyone is staring at me
only they aren't.
And maybe they can hear everything I'm thinking?
but I know they can't.
Either way I can't think what I want
or say what I want
or do what I want.
Big Brother has come to my life, to my house, to my mind
and he won't leave.
It's the Truman Show all over again
and I'm trapped in the monotony that is my mind.
It's like a steel cage, surrounded by people that are anxious to get in.
Or maybe I need to keep them out.
I don't know what to think because everyone will hear it
and I don't know what to say because everyone will know about it.
even this isn't safe.