Two lines becomes three
Another birdie on the line
More to explain
Less is understood
Blue sky, blue eyes, waiting to see again
Warmth from the sun hitting black socks
Failing to answer my question time after time
Somethings just make the lines fade
Others make them show up

I feel betrayed
Empty, confused
I can't understand where this came from
Why it couldn't have been different
Why I still don't think of you
This makes no sense
I want to stop being a zombie
I wish I could just be there
I want to be hurt but I can't be because I lied too
Just...not the same at all

The bristles of the paint brush stay on the page
Marring the streaks of grey
The sun is streaming in through dirty windows
Casting empty shadows on the floor
Cracked and changing
Forever rearranging
Smiles that lie about where they've been
Words that cut like razor blades in the shower
A silence that makes you want to scream and run under the covers
Waiting for your breathing to become silent
There is something that fills you up from within
Toes, ankles, calves, knees, patellas, thighs, butt, lower back, travelling up your spine
Warming your shoulders and sprinting down your arms to your fingers
It continues upwards slowly creeping up your neck until it reaches your brain and
There's no more sight, no more sound, no more taste, touch, smell
Just black

I'm broken and I don't know why
I hide from myself and the gnats inside my brain
by laughing, smiling, cheering, masking
I see through tattered window panes
I feel everything
My hand itches so bad for that
There's a point where the ruler snaps but I'm folded in half
Why?

I should be inspired
I'm so happy that I can't even begin to find the words
I should put feelings down on paper and tell you how happy I am
but I can't find the words
I can't find the inspiration
Why don't I have that ability?
I can always say what I feel
I can tell you what I feel and make you understand it

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

It feels like a different time
It feels like a smoother flight
It feels like the shoes in my closet are a few sizes smaller
It feels like I could fall asleep with my head in my mother's lap
It feels like I still had a princess bed
It feels like I had no concept of financial stability
It feels like I still had a bin of Barbies in my room
It feels like I would play handball everyday at lunch
It feels like there was a different voice on the message machine
It feels like a much longer dream
It feels like taffy was sweeter
It feels wrong
It feels lost
It feels empty
It isn't true.

something in your heart goes cold
your chest becomes open, bare, sterile.
long beeps are heard over soft whispers of
scalpel
bandages
monitor
your eyes become broken lamps
that flicker a once-wonderful message
of hope, happiness, love.
there are few things that make your hand twitch
little white lines marring your flesh
there are few things that make your stomach itch
release with simultaneous withdrawal
and some clean bandages to wrap it all up

i wear my heart on my sleeve
not hidden behind curtains
and clothes
and lies
like you seem to want
i know what i'm looking for
and i'm looking for the answers
not the reasons
i just want to float down the river
in my boat
with my book
and my dreams
in peace
is that really too much to ask?

i want to put on my grey sweater
pour a cup of coffee and sit at the table
and stare out at the day with a content yet deep look at the world
i want to know what i'm going to do
who i'm going to see
where i'm going to go
how it's all going to end up
i want to see the cream swirling in my mug and smile at it
i want to feel your warm arms as they hug me from behind
a warm smile forming on your face
your soft eyes looking down at me with kindness
i want to curl my knees to my chest and lovingly watch you make me breakfast
and jokingly mock your technique
i want to know how it's all going to turn out

Las estrellas son sin luz

y Los flores son sin colore

Cuando tu eres no en mi brazos

Fresas no son dulce

y espejos no reflejan

Cuando nuestros labios no se besando

El sol no brillar

y ojos no ve

Cuando no estamos junto

Pero cuando somos junto

El mundo cae en lugar

y las mareas reanuda sus movimiento

I just found out that a kid I went to elementary school with died in the past day or so.
I remember having a massive crush on him in 3rd grade.
He had a twin brother.
They moved to Boston after 4th grade
I didn't really know him but I'm sitting here crying...
Rest In Peace, Jake

E Pluribus Unum

the clouds become smoke-
whispers, warnings on the horizon of the things to come.
the armies marching forward.
their worn-down boots stomping on the faces
of our tired, our poor, our huddled masses.
the mud that splashes up invades my nose
invades my eyes until all i can see is
the shining sea and the pipes running through it.
one sound is heard in our reason-proof bomb shelter
the thump, thump, thump of our drummer boy
standing up front, reminding those below to row us backward.
my lips are cracked, my face is dry, my feet are bleeding.
where can I rest?
where can I lay my head?
You have denied me salvation, you have refused me house and home and happiness.
Where do you stand?

it always astounds me how quickly death takes one over. You no longer have a name, you are merely a body. You are a photograph on a mantle frame. You are a memory. You are a body to be buried. 

You fall to the ground, no life in your eyes. You remain warm for a short while. 

it always astounds me how insignificant we all are.

there are places we wish to be
things we wish to do
people we never meant to hurt

if only life were a cloud, fading and changing, never hard or heavy

if only life were a cloud so I could float away 

there's a ringing in your corpus callosum
your pupils pulse to the beat
the warmth in your body electrifies your soul
everything's really funny, jumping feels good, yelling is the only way to communicate
drumming through your head is everythought
then everythought goes out your mouth
and it's really funny

love who you love and never look back. FIDLAR
2011