Okay this is probably the longest break in-between posts. I got back from vacay 2 days ago and I'm just chilly chillin. SUPER FUN! =P How have your summers been? Anyone as excited for school as I am?! Im SOPUMPED! Haha, and the loser is back! Well I'll talk to y'all later because I have two summer reading books to finish in two weeks. I am TOOCOOL!

Summer On!

pb xoxo

Directions

Look West and you'll find sun, surf, Maliboobs and the best sunsets

Look East and you'll find cold winters that give your ass frostbite but sunrises that shake your core.

Look North and you find North America =) along with the cold Arctic

Look South to find Creole, Jumbalaya and a whole lott Voo-Doo. And some Texans, but whatevs.

Look inside to find the answers to your problems, troubles, heartache and strife. You have every answer you need. All you need to do is look inside and just focus...

Summer on!

pb xxoo

teen angst

bare and exposed

covered and clothed

all at the same time

insecurities cause cracks in the caked-on mask

that is what she sees

that is what she thinks

            what she lives

     breathes

     is.

no amount of green can make her red go away

photoshop is no match

to the puffy eyes

and run mascara

of a broken heart.

no, heart doesn't quite cut it.

her soul broke when they broke-up.

her very being was shattered

everyone around her says that she will forget, heal and move on soon enough

tell that to the scars she hides

the tears she cries when no one is looking

the echoes that bound from the tiled walls of the bathroom seem like taunts reminding her of

horrors that she can't escape

a twisted symphony that, whenever she hears it, pushes her down the rabbit hole further and further

the lies

the heartbreak

the hurt

the pain

are all normal

yet so excruciating that no one should ever be subjected to them.

but why are we all put through it at one point or another?

end of the road

its like a maze.

you take a left and get

shut

down.

so you turn around and go back where you came from

into the abyss

into the unknown

floating

sinking

falling

the blue/grey haze clouds your mind

and the fish fill your ears with whispers of the depths

tempting and haunting

then the fish start telling you lies

and you can't resist

What happens when I hide in the bathroom

Nope. I lied. Just hearing that song talked about made me cry. I bolted to the bathroom.

Damn. Why does that still happen? Does muscle memory apply to tear ducts?

and now, how i REALLY feel

SO much for friends. I do recall a "best friends" in there somewhere. I'm sorry if your memory isn't working but I'm pretty sure that late nights, sleepovers, vacations, beach days and hanging out constitutes us as friends.

I always tried to be kind to you, to be a great friend, because you were so much fun and so nice that I was willing to over look when you weren't. 

Your loss, I can tell you that. 

Please

Why isn't 'I'm sorry' ever enough? Do you need a time machine? Do I need to undo my actions? I can't do that! If that's what you need then maybe our friendship isn't worth it. You're fun and understanding but if I have to be ignored for months then...what am I fighting for? We barely talk anymore. Everyone messes up. So please, please stop, and listen.

Here we go again

It's not mine, but SO TRUE!

I throw all of your stuff away 
Then I clear you out of my head 
I tear you out of my heart 
And ignore all your messages 
I tell everyone we are through 
Cause I'm so much better without you 
But it's just another pretty lie 
Cause I break down 
Everytime you come around 
O Oh O Oh 

So how did you get here 
Under my skin? 
I swore that I'd never let you back in 
Should have known better 
Than trying to let you go 
Cause here we go go go again 
Hard as I try I know I can't quit 
Something about you 
Is so addictive 
We're falling together 
You'd think that by now I'd know 
Cause here we go go go again 

okay so my bffl is sick of me. great. thanks. good to know. 

"just dont talk to me because I dont' want to hurt you and i dont want to say something i will regret later."

thats not insulting is it? i saw it as a precaution, because when I get angry, i tend to say things that are really hurtful. Im just trying to protect her, not piss her off. 

But don't get me wrong, I am upset. WE MADE PLANS! That means, we plan on a place to meet, then meet there, then commence hanging out. Not: We say we're gonna hang out then you say that you're sick of me and go hang with someone else because you and I have been spending alot of time together.

Nice. Good friend. Love you too.

Well since you're prob reading this, here's what I think: that you flaked. You might think otherwise but now that you know my side of the argument, you can truly understand your actions.

Have fun in Santa Clarita. Whatever.

-pb

I knew it was different this time because I started singing along but the tears never came. I think that there were enough band aids on the cut you put on my heart to stop the bleeding this time. history's a bitch, eh?

What We're Supposed to do.

I feel like we are supposed to say that in order to look good, we don't try hard. But I try really really hard. I don't want to sound vain, but I think really hard about what I'm going to wear to things and how my hair and makeup are going to be. It's kind of annoying when I don't get noticed by guys for all my effort. There are girls who try equally as hard as me(i hope) yet end up putting on 1/3 the clothes. It's like...DID YOU FORGET THAT YOUR TOP IS TOO SMALL? Do you shop in the little girls department? Is that why you look like you belong on MELROSE AT DUSK??? Gawd. I misspelled "God"...that's how upset I am by this matter. There should be an organization that de-skankifies girls...anyone wanna join me? Let me know, I'll get right on it. I'm not saying button your shirts to the top and become a mormon, oh no. I'm saying that if you're shirt is see through, make it an undershirt. I'm saying that if your butt hangs out your denim shorts and they would be better classified as denim PANTIES, they don't fit and should be donated to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Come on ladies, we are all looking for the right guy, no need to dress like a whore to get one. Because odds are he thinks you are one and will leave your payment on the nightstand on his way out. 

pb OUT!

Summer On!

Clarification

Let me set this straight:

I dont' NEED a guy, I WANT one! I don't need a guy to survive. I want one to survive with me, but I wouldn't die if I didn't have one. Clear? Good.

Summer On!

pb

Just Jump

"just jump" is my new motto this summer. Dont' think. Don't analyze. Just jump. It applies mostly to guys, but can work other places. Off the top of my head, I don't really know what those places are, but it does work there! 

Right now I'm listening to Hannah Montana's "He Could Be The One". Did anyone watch the special 1hr episode? SHE SHOULD HAVE CHOSEN JESSE!!! Jake is so...old! And Jesse is SO HAWT AND AMAZING! He broke up with his other girlfriend because he met Hannah/Miley. I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?! Hmph. Why is it that Miley Cyrus has guys crawling all over her and I've got...my stuffed animals? Life sucks. I need to be famous like Miley then I'll get a boyfriend..*cough* TAYLOR LAUTNER *cough*

I'm tired and working tomorrow. 

Summer On!

pb <3

WHOAH THERE!

1) OMG someone who I don't know found my blog. THAT IS SO COOL! I want to spread my word across the nation (or as far as it will go!!) haha. I just like knowing that there is spreading of my url going around.

2) Moonlight is so pretty! Does anyone that lives in an urban area (cough, me!) really know about this?? I was driving home from Topanga Canyon with my family and I looked out the window @ the beach and there was this pathway from the moon to the shore of moonlight. It was awesome. I was in awe. It was a sight to behold. Get it? 

3) Sleeping in is a great invention. Kudos to anyone that created it.

4) I saw Transformers 2 the other day and I need to say this: WE GET IT. MEGAN FOX IS PRETTY! NO NEED TO SLOW-MO HER RUNNING SO EVERY SINGLE MALE IN THE AUDIENCE SEES HER BOOBS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN. JESUS! Yeah. That needed to be said.

Summer on!

pb

p.s. try the new coconut Pinkberry! Its not as disgusting as it sounds!

Being Alive

Someone to hold you too close

Someone to hurt you too deep

Someone to sit in your chair

         To ruin your sleep

Someone to need you too much

Someone to know you too well

Someone to pull you up short

         To put you through hell

Someone you have to let in

Someone whose feelings you spare

Someone who, like it or not, will want you to share

 A little, A lot

Someone to crowd you with love

Someone to force you to care

Someone to make you come through

Who'll always be there, as frightened as you of

Being Alive

Somebody hold me too close

Somebody hurt me too deep

Somebody sit in my sleep

and ruin my sleep

and make me aware of

Being Alive

Somebody need me too much

Somebody know me too well

Somebody pull me pull me up short

and put me through hell

and give me support

for

Being Alive

make me alive

make confused

mock with praise

let me be used

vary my days

but alone

is alone

not alone

Somebody crowd me with love

Somebody force me to care

Somebody let me come through

I'll always be there, as frightened as you

to help us survive

Being Alive

-Company

Weird 2.0

Okay, so you all read the weirdness that was me breaking down whilst reading Eclipse. Well it happened again, this time Joss Whedon style. I was watching Angel and Buffy is in LA. Well Angel gets exposed to the blood of this Morar demon, which is regenerative. Sooo, it regenerates HIM! He becomes human, no strings attached. So he and Buffy get all groiny and start a relationship again. YAY! Then Doyle gets a vision of the Morar demon coming back bigger and stronger. Angel, not wanting to wake Buffy, goes to fight it all by his lonesome mortal self. Well he's not TOTALLY getting his ass kicked but its not great. Then the demon starts going on about the end of days and how its coming. Angel kills it (again and correctly this time) then goes to see the Oracles about this. They tell him that he and Buffy will die together because of what the demon said. So he asks them to make him a vamp again. They can only do it by a temporal fold, which means that the last 24 hrs, the ones with him and Buffy rekindling their love, will never have happened and only he will remember them. When he tells Buffy that they only have one more minute together, she starts crying and saying "I'll never forget, I'll never forget". Well here's where my personal waterworld comes in. Gawd! I was SO SAD! This wasn't as weird as the Eclipse thing because I was watching it happen to people, not having to make an image in my head. But still, a breakdown over BUFFY AND ANGEL! He's wearing a crushed velvet shirt for christs sake! COME ON! I don't know why I find David Boreanaz SO HOT! He just is, but only as Angel. I can't watch Bones because the whole tortured soul angle is just so appealing. Well okay, NOW I'm actually going to bed. 

Summer On!

pb xoxo

effed up...?

Everyone has flaws, that's undeniable. For example: I can't cry in front of other people. I am ashamed of myself for being so vulnerable. I'm not afraid to talk about it afterwards (clearly), its just that my parents used to get mad @ me for crying when I was younger, so I would hide it. And now, I just don't like crying in front of other people. I will legit hide. Like in drama class. I had breakdowns quite frequently during that class (we all did, lets be honest) but other people would be up front about it. I would go and hide behind that curtain that covers the door to the dressing room in Intimate. Yeah, I would hide behind a curtain and cry. Or one class period, I crawled under the bleachers that were there for Uncommon Women and broke. down. Sobbing to the point that my lips and cheeks were numb after. I could hear ppl talking to their "judges" and even though I knew they weren't talking to me, everything they said brought on a new wave of sobs. It was so strange. 

Can anyone relate or am I just effed up...?

I'm exhausted and going to beddie bye. So night night.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

p.s. I'm thinking of changing Copperboom for the summer. any suggestions?

A Coupla Things

1) Hulu is being a bitch. It isn't buffering everything so I have to pause stuff and wait for it to work then I can watch it. UGG

2) Pretty/Talented people: I'm not saying don't be pretty/talented because that's something you can't control. All I'm saying is don't rub it in our faces. Don't take your beauty and slap us with it. You know? 

3) Really, God? REALLY? You had to make people smart, nice, pretty AND talented? And, unattainable *cough* Taylor Lautner...

4) I'm really tired so if this post makes no sense whatsoever, become exhausted THEN read it, maybe then my wisdom will be upon you.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

French Monkeys

It's like there's nothing wrong with the world. Like he never left, like she doesn't hate me and especially like people all over aren't struggling just to get through the day. I feel so happy and hopeful inside, and nothing can shake that. It's the strangest, best feeling I've ever had and it's so remarkable that it comes from a song. I have no idea why, but it's my security blanket. When I'm down, sad or feeling lonely first I blog about it then I put this song on. If you haven't already heard it, check out "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey or the Cast of Glee. 

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

H1N1

oink, oink...

Stupid

So I met the perfect guy today: Smart, funny, cute, football player....adorable. But I only got his first name and wasn't smart enough to get his last name. I feel so stupid...=(  It's like letting your soulmate get away. He was so sweet and supportive. I didn't get that awful knot in my stomach that I've gotten before with guys that I liked, but didn't really. I've only not gotten that knot once before, and that was with my other guy. 

I don't know what to do. 

Anyone have any ideas?

Angel

Tortured souls are so tragic. I mean, I know that's the point, but it's true. Two great examples(ignore their diets and just look at the person): Edward Cullen (collective groan IGNORED) and Angel(from BtVS). Edward has waited a century for the woman of his dreams and when she finally comes along it's near impossible for him to not slaughter her. Not to mention that his just loving her and being around her causes her to be in constant danger (thank you Jasper...). Angel's soul is LITERALLY tortured. He didn't have it, then he had it and fell for Buffy. Then they did the nasty and he lost it again. Then he almost killed Buffy but Willow spoke in Romanian and saved his soul. Then he pretended to lose it but didn't. The thing is, I can see Angel's torture here. Imagine if one day, some gypsy farmer comes up to you and says, "You ate one of my cows so now you will feel the pain of every cow/pig/lamb you EVER ate". Okay, I will acknowledge that it's not a perfect metaphor but work with me here. It's tough. He can't help that he's a vamp. Blame Darla. And he needs to feed. Again, not his fault! 

Sorry if I lost you here. I'm just ranting...but if anyone sees my point, feel free to comment. I like comments on the blog. If there's anything anyone wants me to talk about, comment. Even if you don't like the blog, comment. I just like getting the little notification email that tells me that I have a comment! Haha...*awkward silence ensues*

Anyhooooo

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

I Wish...

That I had someone. Anyone. To talk to, preferably a man.... Someone who is so selfless that he will put my needs before his own, even when I don't want him to. Is that selfish? I want some one who is exactly like Jacob Black...but looks like Taylor Lautner...he's beautiful....

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo              

Sad

The strangest thing happened the other night: 

I was reading Eclipse, which I've read before. Every time I read it, whenever Jake and Bella discuss their future, or lack there of, I tear up. This is mainly due to the fact that despite what Breaking Dawn said, I am vehemently Team Jacob. Anyway, it was at the part towards the end when Jacob is saying that in a world with no monsters or magic, he would be the perfect fit for Bella. I started to tear up as usual but then the strange occurred. I started to sob. So bad to the point that I had to close the book and just have a good cry. I have no idea what brought it on but for whatever reason, I just started to breakdown. It's strange to think about it because during the episode, I just kept crying. I don't know what I was crying about because I can assure you I was not crying about Eclipse. I'm a fan, just not that hardcore. I just felt so sad, like nothing was right and the entire world was backwards. I don't know...maybe everyone just needs a good cry once in a while. 

On another note: I like getting comments. If you are a reader, please comment. Let me know what you like, don't like, want to hear about, or just want to say.

Thanks for reading!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

2 Things

1) This is my 100th post! Hip Hip HOORAY!!!! Lol

and

2) Don't label or judge me because I like Twilight! I enjoy the story and I idolize the romance that Bella and Edward share. Does that make me a sap? Maybe. Does that mean that you should mock me for it? Absolutely not! I am sick and tired of people antagonizing me and making fun of me because I like Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn(sorta) and I re-read the books because I like them. BACK OFF!!!! Get a life and stop being a jerk! And have a nice day!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

DISCLAIMER

I purposefully omit names from anything I write on this blog, even my own (although if you are reading this you probably know who I am) so if you read something, don't jump to conclusions and assume it's you. I love you, but it's probably not about you!

And, even if you delete a comment, I still get the notification email and the comment. I've been there: You write something, click "post" then realize it's really mean. So you hurriedly delete the comment and hope the recipient sees it as a glitch in the system. Unfortunately, I've set it up so I get a notification email with the comment itself in the message body. I get it anyway. Sorry! 

You know I love you anyway.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Bendlshnitz

Am I a sap for believing in love? Love, that one conquering force, that thing that makes people smile in the morning and want to do monotonous things just because they are in love. That was a long sentence... Am I a pessimist for thinking that maybe we only have one great love? And if that one shot is lost then we might as well captain the Titanic. If any of you need clarification: a great love is one that changes you. By the end of a great love, your bones have been shaken and you can feel a change in your core. Is it wrong to throw in the towel if that love has passed? And what if your love lives across the world and is betrothed to someone else? Or maybe we should all just be Charlotte York and say we all get two. I'll get back to you, the answer will come as I continue watching Sex and the City.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Brazlefrat

So the other day, I had to wonder...what makes a crush? Is it the flippy floppy heart thing that happens when you see a guy? Or can you deem a misguided attempt at friendship a crush? And how do you know if you do, in fact, like a guy? This is where some genius company creates a device that tells you if you like a guy. And mood jewelry doesn't count! Is a crush one of those annoying things you have to figure out on your own? I will discover more and get back to you.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

EHMAHGAWD

omigod

he's back

he's here

what do I do?

is this it? when? where? how?

the big question remains: how DO i feel? I say this, i say that. But what do I feel? But once I know that, where do I go from there?

HELP!

peanut butter xoxo

Newspaper

So I'm in the newspaper room right now and the partay is PUMPIN'! I'm actually joking, there are three people here, including me. But tonight I'm going to TaySwift so GET EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =D Haha I'm such loser! Argh...bored...and thirsty...I can be unthirsty though but being unbored is actually really hard.
The clicking of the mouse as layout is being locked in for Tuesday's issue of the newspaper is suprisingly soothing.
OMG DRAMA! There are four little seniors who got sent home from their class trip for doing naughty things...not raunchy, just narcotic. LOL They won't walk with their class but will instead get their diplomas shipped to them. Poor girles, you were so close to the light at the end of the tunnel that is Marlborough.
Well I have to go lend a helping hand to my email's namesake.
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

We Embrace

The blue haze washes over me

Saying that a part of me dies is too dramatic and

saying that I cried wouldn't be enough to

express the undeniable and unavoidable truth that

you are the one thing that I cannot have.

the unattainable

the unbelievable

the thing I will have to watch walk away, and smile as I do so.

Sometimes support is the best thing in the

world to have. But what happens when you are giving

it to the right person in the wrong circumstances?

I want to be the one standing across from you

not the person standing behind her.

Okay, so that earthquake last night was pretty intense! I was watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and all of a sudden, it starts shaking! I forgot all the stuff I knew about what to do during an earthquake and all I did was sprint upstairs (I was at my friend's house, which has multiple stories). It was super scary! ACK!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Talent

Have you ever heard something so good, or been so excited for something that your skin tingles and you get these chills? That happened to me the other day. It was amazing! I heard this girl singing a song and for the rest of the day the only thing in my head was her voice, singing that song. That's what I call a singer!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

I'm staring out at the sunset and every nerve in the left side of my body is on fire. I slowly move my hand across the six inches separating us. Our hands touch and he doesn't shy away, good thing, right? His blue eyes flicker across the scene, scanning first my hand on his, then my outfit. Then those shocking blue daggers find mine and all is right. I pull myself closer to him, and his warm arms. He embraces me and puts his forehead to mine. We don't need to kiss, we just can be. Him holding me is all I need.

Then I wake up.

And his face is clear and I know what I need to do. 

Random Gibberish/Babbling that needs to be said

I don't know if I want to know. Or if I even need to know. I just want to say it without being judged or hated on or yelled at. Everyone says that it's okay, but I don't know if I am. Its as if you are taunting me, laughing at me, mocking me with your hair, your smile and your bubbly personality. But I don't know if its what I want. Maybe I do and maybe I don't but right now, I just want to figure it out without all this hassle. The hassle of finding the door handle, of turning the light on and of making room. Or maybe I'm sitting on my bed and there's no problem. What if I'm the boogie man?

Update

Omigod! I totally got an anonymous "I love your blog" today! I feel SO COOL! =P
So, anonymous admirer, I love you too! And this post is dedicated to you!

The ecosystem project the unnecessary and annoying bane of my existence, I have no time to work on it and THIS IS THE LAST FRIDAY OF THE YEAR! WOOHOO!
Did anyone see Greys and The Office last night??
IZZIE! GEORGE! BABY PAM/JIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm dying here! ACK!

Also, if you like my blog, Follow it! You get updates everytime I put up a new post and I feel really cool! Lol
Well it's break and I'm hungry sooo...
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

p.s. Happy Friday everyone!

Dejection

I'm not saying don't be happy: I'm saying don't be happy in front of me. Your elation reminds me of my failure. I don't care if they haze you or kidnap you or make you ring a bell in the principals office. Just don't be happy in front of me, because I WILL breakdown crying. Just like in Drama(thanks for that) and before Drama(Thanks again) and on the bus when I recounted what happened in Drama(you guys are the BEST FRIENDS EVER!). I know you're there for me for everything else(sort of) but I'm gonna not be there for you on this. Because now you have each other, and everyone else who won. You all deserve each other.

It's like a tiger in a steel cage. He eyes the metal that keeps him trapped and tries to get out. So he bites the steel. Then he breaks his tooth and the steel is as unharmed as ever. The steel just sits there, day after day. Tempting him and taunting him and doing nothing but keeping him confined in this hell hole. Then one day It comes along. Whatever It is, it comes along. It may be a person or an activity or family. But It sets the tiger free. The tiger is forever indebted to It and they all live happily ever after. 

Then poachers kill the tiger for its fur and all goes to hell, but up until that point it was all good.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Sometimes, my heart feels heavy. Like I've done something wrong or like someone hurt me...but I've had a perfectly fine day. What is that? Is is gravity? Because it only happens sometimes...not always...oh geez...this sucks

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

SO I'm auditioning for my bfffsss new pilot as a Blair-ish character(she's nicer than blair)

Wish Me LUCK!

peanut butter xoxo

He has no right to say that he means nothing to "them". Because he's everything to me. I will always carry this burden on my back, always be comparing and contrasting. If he just opened his eyes, actually opened them, then maybe it wouldn't be so difficult. He's confusing me, in more ways than one. 

I think he needs glasses...I wonder what his prescription is... probably as blind as it gets, because that's the only thing I'll accept. The only excuse that I will take is that the reason he's ignoring me is because he's blind.  

It's 6:25 in the morning and I am already pissed. I need to write my english paper and my parents decided last night to treat me like a child and take it away. Good God!

Soooo Passe, but...

IN OUT

Being Blair Stealing Boyfriends

SATC Stealing Boyfriends

New AIMs Stealing Boyfriends

Being a good friend Stealing Boyfriends

GET THE PICTURE??????

STEALING BOYFRIENDS IS BAD AND MAKES YOU A MASTER CHUMSUCKER

SO BACK. OFF.

And Have a Nice Day. =D

SOOOO...I just had this daydream about this new guy that I like. Then I realized that we weren't actually walking to Pinkberry together...it was sad. But not the emo/cry kind of sad. The, geez-i-wanna-make-this-happen kind of sad. 

If you see my common sense anywhere, please return it to me. 

I seem to have misplaced it.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

I follow the instructions. I take a deeeeeppp breath: slowly exhale. Repeat. I clear my mind and think of the color blue. Just fill my mind with blue. No more: No less. Just...blue. Blue...blue...blue...blue...Move On.

Move onto someone better, nicer, someone who cares. Someone who isn't completely oblivious. Someone who isn't a total creeper. Someone who cares about me for me. Not for my chest(or lack thereof) or my brains or my hair color. I want someone who is willing to take the plunge based off of a gut feeling a gut response to a connection made across the room. But not something cheesy. Because cheesy is just...cheesy.

On a random note, my new favorite movie line= "It's just a scary story, Bella"- Jacob Black, Twilight. It's not the quote, because it's kind of an insignificant quote, it's the delivery. Its the voice that comes through when Taylor Lautner delivered the line that makes it so amazing!

Copperboom!

peanut butter

Scream

I'm screaming at you to see me and for you to accept me. I try to make you happy and to help you and what do I get? Contempt, disgust, hate. Well, maybe not hate. But something tight rope walking the line between dislike and "why are you here?" So I try to forget, so as I watch us on rewind that smile flashes across the screen. Even for that millisecond...I love you even more. My hands shake, my breath tightens and my thoughts race. I don't know what to do except to cry. So I cry. I cry for that time when we went to the dolphins and we talked about life when whole way there. I cry for when you held my hand at the movies. But mostly, I cry for us. For what we weren't and will probably never be. 

Ivan & Victor

I wrote another short story! =D

I was dreaming about him…again. Then I heard a bump and my muscles immediately tightened. All I could hear was Heidi’s voice saying, “have an awareness of your surroundings!” My pulse was racing. I rolled over and turned the light on in one swift motion to startle my attackers. I shouted, “STOP, BITCHES!” (I’d always wanted to say that!) and they did. When I finally started to realize who it was, my heart stopped and I gasped. “Mom?”

“Yes, Phoebe?”

“What are you doing?”

She was holding a pillow and dressed in all black. She was flanked by two eastern European men that I had never seen before. It was all really sketch.

“We’re here to make it all better, sweetie.”

“What are you talking about? I got a 98 on my history test, what is wrong?”

“ This is Ivan and Victor, they are going to help us”

“But mom, nothing is wrong, we are all happy and healthy.”
“This isn’t about us, love. Nobody will know. It will be quick then everyone will be happy! Just close your eyes and breath.”

I tried to run after that but Ivan and Victor did some move that they had clearly done before because the precision was impeccable. I couldn’t move. Ivan had my feet. Victor had me in a sleeper hold. Everything started to fade and I struggled to tell her off. The situation didn’t turn out quite like I had hoped…

“Mom…I…”

“I know sweetie, I love you too. See you on the other side.”

So now I’m here. There’s another girl sleeping in my bed. Her name is Lilly. She goes to Marlborough and has my life. But she’s not me. Ivan and Victor aren’t around anymore and I still don’t really get what happened.

Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.

Okay, so I'm in Ancient Civ, and I literally want to blow my brains out. If I didn't have my iPod and had to be subjected to the idiocracies that these girls are talking about....just put me in the coffin with a note that says: SCREW YOU! And make sure my make-up looks good...and call me Henry(that's a reference to Adventureland). Ug, now they're talking about giving birth to a 10 1/5 lb. baby. I DONT WANT TO HEAR THIS!! Good god! This sucks...help!

Copperboom!

peanut butter

Knowledge

I don't know what I want to do anymore. I could just sit for hours and run those days over and over in my mind, digesting everything and inspecting and picking every little word apart and analyzing every move, every step, every syllable uttered. But where would it put me? In the same place as I am now: nowhere. I'm stuck in a place of not knowing what to do next and I don't like it, it scares me. It is frustrating now knowing how he's going to react, if he chooses to react at all. He doesn't really seem to care and he doesn't really seem to notice, so the not caring makes more sense. It's kind of ironic: Adam and Eve ate the apple and they got knowledge yet here I am not having any(at least not on this specific subject). 

So...what is love? I can say I'm in love, but is it love or just an infatuation my stubborn nature won't let me give-up? I see a connection, so I pursue it, but am I pursuing the wrong thing? I can be friends with a guy, but looking back, I've had a crush on every single one of my guy friends at some point. So what? I can't be friends with a guy unless I've gotten him out of my system? So what about him? You know, the one I can't forget? What do I do? I've told myself and other a million times, "I'm over him!" yet here it is again! And I don't like it being there, but I don't want it to go away. I sit here typing on my computer because he doesn't answer and I talk to people about him because he has this effect on me! I don't know. I just don't want this turning into unrequited love, because that will suck!

So...the heart is back. But it's different. I have been changed(that sounds so cheesy/ominous/RETARDED). So it's on the back of my hand now and it's empty. Only Mary would really understand this...

Happy Birthday too meee....

I think you know that your social life has gone to crap when only one person can come to your birthday. It's not like I sprang it on people...it's a standing date...has been for fifteen years. I hate this, this is the third time in a row that this has happened to me!!! 

7th Grade: I invited about 10 people, nine cancelled so I was excited to have at least one person there. She didnt' come. She heard, "Come if you want" It was my birthday party...OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO COME!!

8th Grade: I invited about 5 people, they all bailed. So I asked my mom to take me to lunch and a movie. She wouldn't go because she didn't want to see that movie. It was my birthday...

9th Grade: I invited 6 people. One is sick, Three have to do homework and one's mother won't let her go. And my best friend is in San Diego and didn't realize that it was my birthday until I mentioned it. So I have one person coming with me to the movies. Thanks guys, you are really my best friends. You rock.

So I compiled all of my writing onto one blog, so you can see it all if you want. Also, today is my birthday!(and i can't fly...bummer)

www.thewritingsofalovesickteen.blogspot.com

check it out!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Fifteen!

Today is my birthday! I am officially fifteen! I know that people are always asking if you feel different, being a year older and all, but I actually do! I feel taller, and kind of like Superman! I'm going to go see if I can fly!

Nope, I can't fly, But I can still hurt my ankle. WooHoo! Well I'm gonna go get ready and watch SNL from last night.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

I was thinking about this guy I fell in love with.

He kinda sorta broke my heart.

He thought we were friends the whole time.

I told him to go long and I threw a pass; I'm still waiting for the touchdown. 

Some stuff went down that, to me, means something. Also, he's not the monogamous type, so that's a con. Too bad I ignore all the bad things, regardless of how detrimental they are. 

And now that song, that garage, that movie, that outfit, that country, all remind me of him and hurt so bad that I have to hold myself together at night for fear of falling apart.

I'm falling down the rabbit hole and I'm screaming for you to throw the god damned rope down but you just can't seem to hear me. Listen, Damnit! I'm screaming for you, so pay attention!

It's ALL for you. So come and get it...

-pb

Just Jump

Every breath is like taking a bullet.

I sit and wait but no answer.

I burn, I pine, I perish

You are the only one, now and ever

Only...I helped burn Constantinople to the ground and now I have to pay

I carried the torch to the armory and stood back, smiling as it went up in flames.

The rubble carries memories, the ash in the air leaves a message.

Don't hesitate, don't think. 

Just Jump

-pb

Okay, so I put a sample of my short story on here earlier, and I finished is. So here's the finished product:

The girl started crying as she passed the open coffin. Her father, holding back tears, put his arm around her shoulder and somberly ushered her away. They stood together for the rest of the afternoon, quietly accepting the half-hearted "I'm sorry"s and "Just call if you need anything"s. After the reception, when the store-bought crappy cookies and lemonade were all gone, they then cleaned up and started walking home. When she got to her room she removed the black woolen tights her mother gave her and pulled out her script that she wrote for the eulogy. The ink started to run as she spilt her tears onto the crumpled piece of lined paper. Her father sat on his empty bed, fiddling with his wedding ring and cursing her name under his breath. "Oh god, Jenny, come back damnit!"

The girl sat in her chair, holding her book as if she were reading it. Her eyes rested just above the top of the page as she stared at the wall. She breathed and felt the emptiness in her stomach. It hurt when she moved, but she knew that they had more handouts than the fridge could accommodate, so she got up and shuffled into the kitchen. She sat at the table, silently nothing the hush that had entered the house. The only noise she could hear was herself eating cold spaghetti. She would have heated it up but she didn't know how to work the microwave. Her mother would always be the one to heat things up for her. Thinking of her mother made the pit in her stomach get bigger, so she ate a little bit faster.

Her father slowly undressed, he needed to do something with his body or else he would collapse. He strode towards the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror, seeing his wife next to him. He turned the knobs on the shower and turned back to the mirror as the water warmed up. His eyes fell and landed on her side of the counter. His fingers traced the double c's on her Chanel #9, never to be used again. He kissed the worn spot on the bottle where she had pushed the spritzer so many times. As steam rose behind him, he sat down in the chair she used to read in, every night. He sat in the bedroom, in her chair, forgetting that he was naked and forgetting that steam was pouring out of the bathroom door. He just sat there, letting numbness wash over him and he slowly became angry. Not at his wife, she was much too perfect to be angry with, but at himself for not saving her. Isn't that his job? Wasn't he supposed to be her protector? Her savior? Wasn't protecting her and caring for her in their god-damned wedding vows?

The girl pulled on her robe, feeling the cheap fibers cling to her unmoisturized arms. She held the hot cocoa close, praying that it tasted the way she wanted it to, the way her mother used to make it. Her mother always said that the reason it tasted so good was because she made it with love. The girl wondered if you can make something with love if you have no more love left in your body? She took a sip and it tasted like crap. She threw the mug at the wall, screaming as she did so. She then stood and silently observed as the marshmallows stayed on the wall for a moment, then slowly began sliding down. She had nothing more to do, so she walked to her room with no intention of cleaning up.

Her father heard a smash and a scream, which pulled him from oblivion. He grabbed a towel and sprinted to the kitchen to find a broken mug on the floor surrounded by still-steaming hot chocolate and marshmallows. He slowly bent down, careful not to cut himself on any stray shards of glass, and removed the larger parts of the mug. He got the mop and, back and forth, back and forth, cleaned the linoleum until it sparkled. He could feel the Pine Sol burning his nose, he never knew how much was too much.

The girl cried when they started to pack up her mother's things. Her father cried when her clothes were put in to storage. The girl threw a tantrum when her father suggested a new family portrait for the mantle. The two of them slowly pulled together the mangled pieces of their shattered lives and, for the first time in a long time, the pit in the girl's stomach started to get a little bit smaller.

Maybe I just put all my effort into it

Maybe it was just a fantasy.

I have dreams about us, and I tell myself we are all wrong

I miss when it was simple

Maybe you and I just never have the right timing

I just don't want to end up kicking myself for letting my soulmate get away

I just don't want to lose you.

So maybe you aren't so bad. I keep seeing it and I just need to ignore my inhibitions and just go for it! How bad could it be? I need to get it out of my system or I will die...or something...

This isn't you. You are kind, sensitive, caring and sweet. So why are you acting like this? I just need answers, not a game of basketball!

Direction

You zig when I expect you to zag and once in a while? You zag, just to throw me off. I'm never quite sure how to act when you do that, just because I wasn't prepared for it. Sometimes I wonder if you do it just to mess with me, or if you are genuinely that ignorant. It's really confusing when someone doesn't catch on...AT ALL! I don't know what to do, so help me out.

Okay, so I didn't get in. That's alright. Life will go on. 

I will go and deal with my terrible state of romance and I will look FAB doing it.

I will deal with my friends and their awesome love life and pretend to be happy for them!

I hate being happy for someone when I'm not. I'm in a bad mood. So sorry if your life doesn't take priority over mine. Ick

I have no idea how I will sleep tonight. I am not tired. at all. in any way, shape or form.

But tomorrow morning, I have to look fabbity fab fab for HIM

He has to literally lose his breath when he sees me! He has to think of no one else and be glad to do so. He also has to think that I'm not crazy or still into him. If I act wayy to into him then my chances will be alll effed up in SO many ways. Ug

I'm going to go to sleep and be happy!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Cupid

CAN SUCK IT!

I want to be someone's Holly....only the story ends up happy. I don't want to grow up to be the jaded LA girl that denies someone. 

But what if denying someone is right for you? Does that make you mean?

Elaborate...

NO means no. You learned that in what? Kindergarten?? and yet you still persist!

I need space from your weirdness and your urgency! We are in high school! Get a grip, man!

I need space so I can deal with my own inconsistencies, I don't need yours to be shoved in my face/up my nose!

I want you to take a hint without me having to tattoo it on your forehead.

Sorry, but you just don't quite get it.

I never really realized how bad it felt until now. It was just waiting for that recognition and then it sprung, hooking me with its sharp claws. Never letting go, never relenting, always there. Just...there. It hurts like nobody can ever imagine. It is something that I wish upon no one, ever, in any time. It is a hurt that is physical, mental and emotional. Your smile makes my side ache, your eyes keep me awake at night, your laugh takes the taste out of food. Your dimples make my legs hurt, your bad jokes give me headaches and your smell makes my knees hurt. And yet, despite all that, I would never ever want it to go away, because it is all you, all the time. And that is what I like the most, having some part of you around all the time.

You were the first one. The only one. 

You were the one that made me smile when I was down and could make me cry just by saying goodbye.

You said hello and my whole day got just a little bit better.

And now I cry and cry waiting for you to call but it's like you don't really want to change.

I wonder if you ever loved me at all.

Pedestal

surrounded by flowers in the shape of lies.

on top because of failure.

an iridescent glow that radiates shame.

a gown made of pushing and shoving, embroidered with hurt.

shoes that compliment her yearn for control.

make-up that makes her regret really pop.

note to self:

DONT EVER WATCH FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL WITH YOUR PARENTS.

EVER.

NO QUESTION

5 days to mexico! I'm so excited! So I really wanna watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall because all my friends say it's really funny. It's free on my On Demand, so that's a plus for me! Other things that are going in my favor:

There's a sale at Target on bathing suits and short shorts, both of which I need/want(what's the difference anyway? lol)

I'm watching the Flinstones and I'm trying to figure out why I ever watched it in the first place...

Oh well!

I'm gonna go get breakfast now, so have a good day!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

SPRING BREAK

SPRING BREAK IS FINALLY HERE BAYBAY!!! I am so superdy duperdy upset that my jenay will be in Italia/France, but i will be writing dutifully to her, everyday!

MEXICO= ATV/DIRTBIKING, JETSKI'ING & WATER SKIING!!!!! 

AWESOME ON A BOAT!!

(I'm on a boat...Boats n hoes...i had too!)

More tomorrow when making a coherent sentence doesn't cause me to want to pass out. Nighty night.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

I took my health test yesterday and guess what i got?? 94! =D Im so excited because it was my only test this week, so I am home free! Tomorrow at 1:57, I am outie!(I have free last!)

Two weeks of spring break is the best thing EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!!!!!!!

Watching NCIS, so who can really focus on anything while Dinozzo is cracking jokes?

If you don't know what I'm talking about, ch-ch-check it out!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

10 DAYS TO MEXICO! nO stress this week, just Drama Ensemble auditions and smooth sailing to Friday!!! CANT WAIT!!!!!!!! ACKKFJADKSLFJEIWARUSI!

I finished my short story, so stay tuned for that. I also have some poetry coming your way, but I will be sure to put it all up when I have time(aka FRIDAY AFTER SCHOOL!) And over spring break I will be rejected/accepted for Drama Ensemble via Letter, but I will most likely be in Mexico so that will be no prob. Mexico..ooohh Mexico. How do I say it nicely? I AM EFFING TERRIFIED OF THIS MEXICO TRIP! I put the heart back on my wrist so everyone can see it and I am flipping a shit over this drug war thingy and OMG i need a new bathing suit, pair of shorts and sunglasses like NOBODYS BIZNESS!!!!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

ELEVEN DAYS TO MEXICOOOO!!!!!!

And I officially love babies(im a total creeper, aren't I? Damnit! I knew it!!!)

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Okay, so I'm not so stressed anymore, now I'm just anxious for auditions tomorrow. ack!

OMG

I have so much to do in so little time!!!

TO DO LIST:

Take-

Ancient Civ Test

Science Test

English Test

Spanish Test

Memorize-

"Think of Me" from Phantom

Juliet from Act III, Scene ii from Romeo and Juliet

A contemporary monologue

HW-

Spanish

Geometry

English

Drama

SEEEEE

SO MUCH

and i have a party saturday night! ACKK

ACKK! I have alot to do but my powers of procrastination are sucking me in!!! NOOO!!!

Othello

So who wants to hear my lines for the Othello scene in English??
I DO!!
here goes:

Iago: What, are you hurt Lieutenant?
(Cassio says something)
Iago: Marry, God forbid!
(Cassio says something)
Iago: As I am an honest man, I thought you had received some bodily wound. There is more sense in that than in reputation. Reputation is an idle and most false imposition, oft got without merit and lost without deserving. You have lost no reputation at all, unless you repute yourself such a loser. What, man! There are ways to win the general again! You are but now cast in his mood, a punishment more in policy than in malice, even as one would beat an offenseless dog to affright an imperious lion. Sue to him again and he's yours!
(Cassio says something)
Iago: What was he that you followed with your sword? What had he done to you?
Cassio: I know not!
Iago: Is't possible?
Cassio says something
Iago:Why, but you are now well enough. How came you thus recovered?
Cassio says something
Iago: Come, you are too severe a moraler. As the time, the place, and the condition of this country stands, I could heartily wish this had not befallen. But since it is as it is, mend it for your own good.
Cassio says some other stuff and the scene ends! =D

I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS! ACKKKKKKKKKITY ACK ACK!!!

And i'm going to see Grease tonight, so doubley awesome!

Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo
P.S. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!!!!

YAY! The day of reckoning has arrived! St. Patrick's day! And the only green I'm wearing is concealed. On the one hand, I've gotten pinched alot. On the other hand, I've gotten to pinch alot of people who pinched be(because I'm actually wearing green!). I found my copy of The Well Of Lost Plots, 3rd book in Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series. So funny and awesome. I particularly like the idea of Ms. Havisham walking around wearing running shoes under her decrepit wedding dress. Haha! I can't really envision grammatisites though, I think it's the stripey suspenders and socks they are supposed to be wearing. On a different note: I actually REALLY like the Disney(I KNOW) show, Sonny With a Chance. It's funny and the jokes aren't all totally predictable and awful(like on Hannah Montana and the Suite Life series). Some, like the skort joke, are actually retell able and HILARIOUS!!!! =D I'm not so sick anymore but the make-up work is a biz-nitch. I think you all know what I mean. I'm rescheduling 3/4 tests and I have notes to get in Ancient Civ and notes to FIND in science. THEY AREN'T ON THE PORTAL!!!!!! Argh!!! Drama's not that bad because it's just journal assignments...then that PostSecret thingy.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
My Faerie Godmother and I decided that on April 25th she is going to take me on a shopping spree for my birthday(April 12th, btw!)!!!! No holds barred and I am SO PUMPED!!
I've gotta go do SOME homework! 3 frees in one day gets really really boring!
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

So today marks my 3rd day of being home sick. It's not as bad as you would think, but the make-up work that I'll have to do will be the real problem. Argh. My parents don't like me watching t.v. when I am sick, so I'm reading Thursday Next. Her series is one that you just never ever get tired of. Gotta love Jasper Fforde for coming up with her! I'm gonna go memorize some Othello now.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

St. Patty's Day

Everyone else is making a big fuss out of it, so I suppose I should too. Also, I'm Irishish so it makes sense. I'm not quite sure what St. Patrick's day celebrates, other than drunken leprechauns singing, watching the Quiet Man and eating Colecannon...  I'm not hating on colecannon, it's quite good and very hearty, but I need a reason to be wearing green. Christmas celebrates Jesus' birthday. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. But what do I say at St. Patrick's day? Hi, nice to meet you, here's beer, LETS GET PLASTERED! I don't drink, but I'm just saying. Also, why do people always assume that the Irish are red-headed. HelloOOO??! I'm Irish and I ain't no ginger! I'm actually a natural blonde, SUCK IT JENNA MARONEY!!!!! Again, just saying. I wish I could have grown up in the 50's...a much simpler time where living in the suburbs and being Irish was what everyone did. Or Italian. But everyone had a religion and everyone was polite(except James Dean, but look at what happened to HIM!). Being a housewife was expected, not frowned upon as it is today. A homemaker was the ultimate wife, and so what if that's what I want to be?? I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post, so I'm gonna go take aLOT of Nyquil and I'll talk to you all later. 

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

p.s. Don't ever get a bronchial infection, THEY SUCK AND NEVER EVER GO AWAY!!

I CANT GO TO THE FASHION SHOW BECAUSE I HAVE A STUPID STUPID BRONCHIAL INFECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACKK

I SO WANT TO GO I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm home sick

blech

I hate being sick...but I do love Disneyland

That was random, but I went to Disneyland in my dream last night. Yeah...

I needed to say that.

OMG I JUST HEARD THE BELL

OMFG

Oh well

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

omigod

omigod

omigod

my father just made the most disgusting and revolting thing for dinner.

turkey meatloaf with a layer of mac N cheese topped with strips of bacon.

MY ARTERIES EXPLODED AT THE DESCRIPTION

i am literally DYING HERE

and my throat hurts, so thats not a plus =(

ug

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

AUGUST 7TH

THE BROTHERS JONAI

STAPLES CENTER

ACKKKKKKK

FREAKING OUTTTTTTTT

MUSSTTTT GOOOOO

The Bane of my Existance

May 22nd. Staples Center. Taylor Swift
I CAN'T GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ACKKKKKKK
the tickets sold out online in 2 minutes
I die....=(

am i...

AM I DREAMING? If so, DONT PINCH ME OR MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO WAKE ME UP!!!!

Britney Spears is following me on Twitter...OMFG!!!!!

This is SOOOO COOOOLLLLL =D=D=D=D=D

I suddenly feel very, very substantial!

I am SUPER AWESOME GIRL

My super powers include(but aren't limited to): Invisibility, Super Strength and Flying

I turn in to SUPER AWESOME GIRL when I feel super awesome. It's kinda redundant for me to say that...but whatevs! 

ackkkk

I gotta go do my Geometry homework, ahh the joy of Triangles, sine and cosine!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

changes, changes

new colors.

thats all

Read Scoop! by Hannah Dennison, but only after you've read A Vicky Hill Exclusive! also by Hannah Dennison. She's pretty much AWESOME, and British, which makes her AWESOME*said in a british accent*

L=

St. Patty's day is coming up and my sort-of Irishness is making me very proud right about now!

I found a shirt on Cafe Press that says "Kiss me, I'm Irishish." I'd wear that to school with the kelly green & white knee socks from AmApp, a.k.a. the best costume resource EVAH, lol.

I should be tired but I never am this late.

I'm listening to Taylor Swift right now. I am SO bummed that her concert at Staples Center sold out in 2 min!!! May 22nd I will be standing in my backyard with my Vestalife ladybug iPod player full blast PRETENDING that I'm actually listening to her play. Lol

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

It's the stares, mostly.

Everyone has faults, I'm not going to deny that. But it's just..really?

I wear deodorant and I shower everyday, so I can't smell bad...

Maybe my laugh is too weird? I don't know

I try, and my dad says to me(every morning) "be your best" and it's written above the door to our garage so we see it before we leave the house everyday. I really do try.

So whose fault is it?

They say they get it, but I'm in a desert....again.

Should I not be warm? Would it make a difference if my genes were different?

We'll have to wait and see, then they can SUCK IT!

that was mean, but needed to be said.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

not tired

Amp was cool

The end with DJ Swine Forkbeard was the BESTTT

haha

I'm watching Weeds, it's funny. and good

Im really NOT tired, and I should be...

I really wanna see Watchmen

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

OMG

AMP

TONIGHT

SO EXCITED!!!!!!

=D

I hate not being able to tell anyone

I hate being told I'm wrong, or being laughed at

I hate the stares when they know

I hate being told I'm paranoid because I'm not! It has already happened and I am trapped.

I hate that I'm right and that they all know

I hate not knowing

I hate knowing that they know

I always ask myself if I did the right thing, and everyday I have to see my answer.

every fucking day

and what am I supposed to do?

Leave?

no

fucking

way

This is a short story I've been working on. Here' part 1!

The girl started crying as she passed the open coffin. Her father, holding back tears, put his arm around her shoulder and somberly ushered her away. They stood together for the rest of the afternoon, quietly accepting the half-hearted "I'm sorry"s and "Just call if you need anything"s. After the reception, when the store-bought, crappy cookies and lemonade were all gone, they then proceeded to clean-up and started walking home. When she got to her room she removed the black woolen tights her mother gave her and pulled out her hastily written script for the eulogy she gave. The ink started to run as her tears spilt onto the page. This silent moment was all she did the rest of the day to mourn her mother's passing. At the same time, her father sat on his empty bed, fiddling with his wedding ring and cursing her name under his breath. "Oh god, Jenny, come back damnit!"

So I did some minor updates, just fiddling. Have you seen how much you can change?? ITS RIDIC!!!
AMP.
SATURDAY
6:30-10:30
BE THERE
NO QUESTION
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

i just tripped...going UP the stairs
FML

OMG

OMG

OMG

She says shes PROUD of me??? SHE WAS THE ONE MAKING ME CRY!!!!!!!!

JUH-EEZUS!!!! Seriously?? Is this actually happening? I feel like this would be happening to a girl in a trashy telanovela, but me??

omG

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

So when I was younger, I realized that when I gave my friends things, or invited them to concerts with me, that they would like me more, even for a little bit. This gave me the idea that friends only like you when you give them something, and although I'm being used(and I know it) I don't care because I have a friend.

Even for a little while...

Losing something, anything, is like losing a part of yourself. A small, kiss-sized part of yourself. It just flies off like the birds migrate in the winter. And trying to regain it is pointless because that piece is a living being and once it has left you it has died. Putting a dead thing back together is redundant and a waste of time. 

I feel these lies falling from my lips and I try to stop them but they are so heavy with the weight of hours spent on the phone talking about our favorite lip gloss. Heavy from my guilt and all of the food we consumed while watching bad t.v. It saddens me, but it is dead.

So why even try?

I feel really...blank

Like I should be feeling happy, or sad, or hungry

but i feel hollow. I don't laugh alot. I mean, genuinely laugh. I will through out a fake laugh here and there but not really. All I see is him. And it physically hurts me. I have headaches constantly and my knees hurt alot(probably unrelated, but lets just pretend that it isn't). I also feel bad, because I feel like a stupid puppy dog or stalker(those two aren't really related are they?) who just keeps going no matter what. I feel like a friggin' Energizer Bunny here! But I don't really want a commitment right now, or have time for one. So here I am with a SUPER dilemma 

ARGH-ON-A-STICK!!!!!!

...is it just me or do all my posts manage to mention "him"?

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

So I'm going to Mexico for spring break and i am like...SUPER EXCITED

SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER EXCITED!!!!!!!

u get the drift, right?

So I'm searching the web for the PERFECT plane/arrival outfit and then, I see it! The pair of khaki shorts i MUST MUST MUST have! I am envisioning myself in them upon arrival, around the city, every morning/evening at breakfast/dinner in these shorts! Then I see the price and I want to SHOOT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seventy-five EFFING dollars...really?

REALLY?????

What am I supposed to do now? Just let my dream shorts disappear completely??

ug

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo