E Pluribus Unum

the clouds become smoke-
whispers, warnings on the horizon of the things to come.
the armies marching forward.
their worn-down boots stomping on the faces
of our tired, our poor, our huddled masses.
the mud that splashes up invades my nose
invades my eyes until all i can see is
the shining sea and the pipes running through it.
one sound is heard in our reason-proof bomb shelter
the thump, thump, thump of our drummer boy
standing up front, reminding those below to row us backward.
my lips are cracked, my face is dry, my feet are bleeding.
where can I rest?
where can I lay my head?
You have denied me salvation, you have refused me house and home and happiness.
Where do you stand?

it always astounds me how quickly death takes one over. You no longer have a name, you are merely a body. You are a photograph on a mantle frame. You are a memory. You are a body to be buried. 

You fall to the ground, no life in your eyes. You remain warm for a short while. 

it always astounds me how insignificant we all are.

there are places we wish to be
things we wish to do
people we never meant to hurt

if only life were a cloud, fading and changing, never hard or heavy

if only life were a cloud so I could float away 

there's a ringing in your corpus callosum
your pupils pulse to the beat
the warmth in your body electrifies your soul
everything's really funny, jumping feels good, yelling is the only way to communicate
drumming through your head is everythought
then everythought goes out your mouth
and it's really funny

love who you love and never look back. FIDLAR
2011

if there's any free space or time in my life, its filled with you
your stupid eyes
your dumb honesty
your dumb laugh
your stupid smile
the dumb way you make me feel, just by saying hi
dumb dumb dumb
all of it
and the worst part is that i can't find any word to describe you
not even amazing covers it
you're never gone, not really, not truly

you're like an infectious disease
you creep up on me with those eyes, that hair and omigod your abs
you look so sweet, you smell so sweet, you act so sweet
and you make me feel like this
but i am tantalus, forever watching and reaching for you
and you pull away, ensuring my pain
fuck you.

okay, i actually hated that. what i meant to say was

i was sitting in the dark and only looking at one thing
one year ago i was in a very different place, yet quite exactly the same place
i thought differently, i sat differently
we walked, it was nice
i thought i wasn't alone
i thought maybe things were going to turn out differently
i was deluding myself
looking back on the innocent and naive moron i was, i pity myself
i feel bad for past me and the shit i had to go through, seemingly alone
it sucks

it sort of lingered
a wistful notion, sweet on my tongue
one year gone by, many changes
fairly imperceptible to those who weren't watching
upsetting in concept, but surprisingly fulfilling

i always wanted to have one of those meaningful looks at someone across a room. perhaps an old lover or ex-friend. you see them in a crowded area and your eyes lock and that look is filled with regret and sorrow and some sort of closure and you're surrounded by people who don't give two fucks that this intense moment is going on. i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. i always wanted to have one of those but then i realized that no one has ever left my life that gives two fucks about me and would take the time and effort out of their day to look at someone, let alone me. isn't that great?

that scribbly little girl, with a stub of a pencil between her grubby fingers
gnawing at her thumbs to get an understanding of the smoke in her head
the shhhhhhh of the classroom is far too much for her
her hair falls limp, it's life long gone
her clothes are a little too loose, barely noticeable
she averts her gaze and lets her eyes meander to the window
she dreams of being a songbird
soft and delicate on the branch of a tree
adored by all, but from a safe distance
the world falls silent when she opens her mouth
and she can leave this all behind at the flap of her wings
the books slam and she is pulled back to chalk dust and rulers
her dream just a smear on her day, another thing she cannot receive
we've all got white ribbons in the back of our minds, drawers, closets
she is mine. remember, love, dedicate.

i'm pretty sure that today is the day i give thanks for those people and things in my life that keep me from jumping off the roof on a daily basis. the problem is, there are too many people and too many things they do for me to list them all here. i'd say it's jamie's smiles every morning, but there are too many mornings that her smiles warmed me better than a cup of hot chocolate. i could say it's zena's snuggliness, but depending on what sweater she's wearing and how much her hair eats me that particular day, the hugs vary. it could be schuyler's total understanding of everything that comes out of my mouth, sometimes before it even comes out, but the thing is, there are just too many things that she gets about me to list. do you see my dilemma? even marisa's calm, cool, collected manner when i'm off the wall can't be listed because i go off the wall good or bad. the thing here is, i love everybody who makes my life just a little bit better by being in it and to say that i'm thankful is such an understatement, it's almost insulting. i'm not thankful for them, i'm not grateful for them, i'm alive because of them. everyday i'm not doing so great, they bring me back to life. they lift me higher and allow me to be a better person. i literally cannot express in words the good that they put into my life. some say that religion is their guiding light, or their family. mine is my friend. my perpetual light in my life that makes me great, that keeps me sane and whole is the light that i see every day. the light that never flickers, never fades, never needs batteries. the best light in the whole world is the one i didn't even ask for. they say that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends, but i beg to differ. i didn't pick my friends. fate picked them and i couldn't get rid of them if i wanted to. they're like good horcruxes. like a part of me is in them (that sounds really sketchy) and i like to think that i've impacted their lives in some way or another. i love you all so much more than you could possibly know.
love,
Phoebe

i always feel so alone at this time of year. mostly because…well i actually have no idea why that is. and the ones who are supposed to care, sort of do, but not really. that's nice, i suppose. it's a funny thought, because i'm on the side, on the outside, on the inside and invisible all at the same time when certain people are around. its the strangest and most alienating position i've ever been in. there are times when i just feel so alone and there's nothing i can do about it. it's just something that rattles me to my core, and i can't shake this feeling that there's no one here that really cares or really wants to help. i can't escape these emotions or poisonous thoughts, they just creep up on me when i'm alone.

do you remember the days when seeing you was the highlight of my week? i can recall every second of those days. I remember spending hours getting ready to see you, just for a bit. it was the most important thing on my agenda, ever. but now i look at how you're treating me now? just because i had feelings for you? i wish i could take back every moment i wanted you, every second i spend pining over you. why? because a guy with this little consideration for the emotions of others doesn't deserve it. you don't deserve shit.

best friend.
is that…something? anything? nothing? is that a dry riverbed to lay your troubles in and hope they flow like the hair down your back? can you push stone on stone and make it move? mountains have piled up around you and i'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for the time of day. i cannot help you if i'm alone in a room surrounded by your words and your problems. i would love to be there for you, but we're all soo busy. it's not just you.

my 300th post is dedicated to my dream

I believe that love truly conquers all. I want a love that exists from the moment I meet him. I don’t have to say I love him, because we both know we love one another. I want to be one part of a being made up of two people. He and I will be inseparable. We don’t need to talk to fill a silence. We know and anticipate one another’s reactions to things. We are happiest when simply holding one another, perhaps whilst staring at the stars. I want a love that defies all odds and expectations. I want a love that fills me up every moment of every day. I want a love I can derive strength from, a love that makes me happy whenever it crosses my mind. I want a love I don’t’ have to ever be ashamed of or embarrassed by. I want to fall in love with my best friend, so we know each other better than anyone else. I want to be able to look into his eyes and just sit there, in bliss, staring at one another. Together, we are unstoppable.

this right here is a nice soft yellow, not at all like the hard-edged orange I was expecting
It's suprisingly nice, though you'd be hard-pressed to find a replacement
i tell you that, i say, i'll tell you that

once again, i'm in the back row
hiding from my eyes
i can't escape the throbs of pain beating through my head
no one says goodbye
no one thinks to get me one too
i'm transparent
in thought, in appearance, in emotion
i'm alone half the time
and the saddest part is that its restful
i'm being pulled by that truth that won't manifest in my mind
you think you get it, but you really don't
its not okay how i feel
and your delayed reactions point more to broken machinery than distracted friends
i can't even begin to say where it all ends
but i know it starts here

i'm done with you
i'm done with your shorts
i'm done with your lies
i'm done with your puppy dog eyes
i'm done with your promises
i'm done with your broken promises
i'm done with your hugs
i'm done with your awkward moments
i'm done with your hipster-ness
i'm done with us
i'm done with our friendship
i'm done with trying to fix anything
i'm done with asking about you
i'm done with making an effort to avoid you
i'm done with trying to understand you
i'm done with you

I miss my friend. I miss talking to you and saying hi to you and hanging out with you. I knew this would happen. Everyone told me I was wrong but noooo. It happened. It's not an issue anymore, but I just have one less friend. I suppose that's okay. It's just saddening that I was so right and either you chose this or I chose this. I'm not gonna Nancy Drew it, but it's a thought.

I so desperately want to put your name here

it's actually painful to look at those photos. that's a different person, a girl I no longer know or recognize. that was the night everything COULD HAVE changed. but didn't. i'm going to regret this for a very, very long time. i regret a lot of things in my life. things i shouldn't have said, people i shouldn't have been mean to, etc. that night is one of those regrets. i regret not doing what i know i wanted to do. it all went downhill after that and i sealed my fate. unrequited love songs for the future. that should be the title of my biography. even though i don't write songs.

i miss thinking you cared, now i just feel pathetic when the thought crosses my mind. remember that night we watched the stars? i could have had you then, too. now i'm sitting alone, in my room, at 1AM wondering why you aren't mine. she's a lucky girl, i'm sure she knows that though.

when i close my eyes, it's you i see. when i take a step, it's you i'm walking towards. i know this is all intense and stuff, but it's the only thing i think about at all, so these things sort of develop. it's been what? 4-ish months? so it's not totally weird. when i look at us, i see a subjunctive relationship; a whole lot of could-have-beens and a handful of should-haves.

we aren't logan & veronica, we aren't ron & hermione, we aren't bill & sookie. we're us. i'm just another girl who's hopelessly in love with you and you've got a girlfriend. i can't even claim a TaySwift defense and say she's a horrible bitch who doesn't deserve you because, as far as i can see, she's really nice. good for you two. that just makes me feel like an even worse person for having these feelings because i can tell they make you uncomfortable, but i don't not want to spend time with you, i like hanging out, you're fun and funny and, i don't know…i like looking at your eyes when you're not noticing me. god i'm weird/sketchy.

this will be another saga i get to tell when i recount all the things that make my unrequited love curse true. i was hoping you'd be the prince charming (with the killer abs) to break the evil curse. but i guess i'm still stuck in a tower, asleep, and the thicket still stands.