I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

It's bitter and brown and dark and desolate.
It's dank and wet and hollow and blank.
It's old and new and perfect and lovely.
And I don't want to leave.
I cannot stop, nor do I want to.
I feel empty yet full.
I am incomplete but surrounded.
Why do things have to be this way? Why can't they change? Why do people have to be so stupid?
My chest hurts and my lips tingle.
My throat is dry and I clutch at her.
I cannot breathe so I gasp but it turns into an abandoned cry.
This is the line I must cross but it burns to touch it.
These are the shattered lies that the lights illuminate and reality couldn't get past the bouncer but the truth is having a drink at the bar and deceit is hooking up with some random skank in the bathroom.
This is the life we all must live. This is the fault we all must face. These are the twisted symphonies we must listen to. We read our teleprompters every day and they tell us when to smile, when to laugh and when to be quiet. We follow routine and speak only when we really really have to.
The snow keeps falling, the sun keeps rising and the tides keep changing. The world goes on around us while we fall apart. Our screams are heard by no one and no one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.




and then you die.

I don't have that many words but:

I fucking did it. I DID IT! It's no longer a fantasy or an ideal, its a reality!! I cannot wait for it all. It's like Bad Romance, I love it so much that I can't wait for all of it. For the bad stuff, for the good stuff, for everything! It's going to be incredible! GAH!!!!!!

Being not wanted sucks. Being left out sucks. Having it rubbed in my face sucks.
All these things suck the first time but time after time they start to hurt more and more.
So as I stop getting invited, so do other people. As I keep getting left out, so do other people.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Clearly my actions weren't enough.
So maybe my inaction will help you better understand how I feel.

You'd think that words dont do anything but they do.
They hurt just as much as being left out.
They hurt just as much as if you had actually punched me.
Be a big boy and use your words that you didn't find in the gutter.
Don't find the crudest word possible to get your point across, just say what you need to.
When did civility become the last thing on your priorities?

bitching

I'm sitting on my bed video chatting with zena. I have a bag of oreos on my right and comfy pillows on my left. I love spring break! Shoe, Zee and I had an hour long video chat and Shoe was excited until Zee and I told her that we'd vc'd for 3 hours before. Sarah, Zena and I vc'd TWO nights ago, and Zee is convinced it was last night. =) Today I babysat and made $30 bucks that will be gone by tomorrow. College tour is fast approaching and I'm SO EXCITED! It's gonna be the BOMB.COM! GAH! Rooming with my Lieutenant, Sarah and Millie and Millie and I have promised to do morning workouts to Hannah Montana! (heeheehee...) Dessert Hopping WILL occur along with the eating of the finest dining these cities can offer, ON A BUDGET! It's all going to go swimmingly! Following College Tour is my 16TH BIRTHDAY! I'm really excited because I want to have a big girl birthday party (that means a dinner party of some sort). No hassle, just nice clothes, nice music, and great food! =) Along with all of this is DRAMA ENSEMBLE LETTERS! Soon to be received (hopefully) and read. I'm so FRIGGIN nervous about those. OH! And IDK if my BEST FRIEND is moving to TENNESSEE! WTF?!?! It's up in the air...grumble grumble.
Thanks for listening to my bitching!
xo
pb

Dear Zee,

You really don't know what you have until it's gone, or almost gone.
I was so sure and so secure
then it all came tumbling down and nothing makes sense
because you could be gone.
because you could leave.
because you could be out of my life.
You keep me sane, you make me happy, you make me laugh.
You light up my days, you give me hope, you understand me.
I love you so much and you are my rock.

nothing is safe enough to stand on
to live on
to sleep on
nothing is sacred or respected
everything is part of
or not enough
or not mine
nothing is good enough
nothing is willing
nothing is open or able
nothing is sacred

adult

to be adult is to be fully grown, mentally and physically.
it is nothing more.
you cannot decree it.
it is not based on emotions or happiness level.
it is based upon where you are within yourself.
do not judge unless you know a person, fully and wholly.
only then can you say that they are immature or child-like.
never before. only after.
never before. only after.
never before. only after.

Puerto Vallarta

I'm glad that I'm not going back this year. As paradise-y as it is, I need to purge myself of that place. Yes, there are a multitude of good memories there, but there are just as many bad. I have been there so many times that I can tell you exactly what the top step of the dark blue pool feels like about a week and a half in when a pocket of sand begins to form in the corner. I can tell you what the palapa feels like right before everyone is called to dinner. I can tell you what the kitchen smells like after breakfast when everybody is cleaning. I can even tell you what it feels like to jump in the light blue pool after being in the dark blue one. I can hear the waves from my room and taste the strawberry smoothies. I can hear the laughter as we run to the kitchen (from the back entrance of course) to get a late night snack of Zucaritas y leche or, if they have them, coconut ice cream in the coconut shells. I can taste the bread they put out at dinner and the AMAZING pancakes they make. I can feel the tiles of the dark blue pool under my feet. I can smell the sunscreen/pina colada smell that forms in the bedrooms during midday. I can hear the fiesta from the palapa and smell the grilled lobster. I can feel the excitement that you get when driving from the airport to the house and how every turn on that road feels like, THIS one must be it. I'm glad to not be going, but sad that I'm not at the same time. I might even miss the gritty sand that you can't find anywhere else that ends up everywhere; luggage, bathroom, shower, pool, kitchen, palapa, bed, sunscreen. As long as my parents bring me back some blueberry Trident that CANNOT be found anywhere else and some Bubbaloo. And some bracelets. Then I'll be happy.

Analogy

Where I expected tears
I got nothing
Where I expected longing
I got indifference
Where I expected fear
I got vigor
It's as if the best, most delicious soup in the world were in the bowl.
Then someone spit in it, and threw dirt in it.
And for a while I tried so hard to save that soup because it was so...worth it.
Then I looked at the soup and realized it was ruined and not worth my time fixing.
And I'm fine with that.
I have the best bread, drinks, dessert and steak right over here.
So I don't need that soup anymore.
And I'm fine with that.

I laugh at your frustration
I find your annoyance hilarious.
I feel nothing towards you.
Just memories of what used to be.
what was fun.
what used to be enjoyable but is no longer bearable.
adios!

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever
-Seventy Times 7-Brand New

The Future

It's this stupid gut feeling and just the thought of it is enough to make me want to cry.
Take a cookie cutter and punch a hole in my life, why dontchya?
I can sit outside there for ever waiting for you to show up and you won't and I'll cry.
This cannot happen.
I know I've said that before but I mean it.
I will be a wreck without you, despite the constant digital communication.

OMIGOSH!

I missed my one-year bloggiversary! It was almost a month ago! Feb. 17th, 2009 is when I started this blog. So YAY for over a year!

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and forget the ones that don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
-Anonymous

Immature

Little girls with party hats and taffeta dresses.
Put down the phone and look at the room.
20 questions gets you nowhere.
The noisemakers go off as the cake enters the room.
We are all here for you.
I hate this feeling.

Mental

It's like I can't focus because everyone is staring at me
only they aren't.
And maybe they can hear everything I'm thinking?
but I know they can't.
Either way I can't think what I want
or say what I want
or do what I want.
Big Brother has come to my life, to my house, to my mind
and he won't leave.
It's the Truman Show all over again
and I'm trapped in the monotony that is my mind.
It's like a steel cage, surrounded by people that are anxious to get in.
Or maybe I need to keep them out.
I don't know what to think because everyone will hear it
and I don't know what to say because everyone will know about it.
even this isn't safe.

Smiles in the hallway

Her paper thin mask is getting old and worn
and the painted smile is faded and torn.
She asks herself, "why lie?"
Because its so much easier to lie and put on the mask than be asked twenty times a day
if you're okay.
And it's so much easier to pretend and act than to tell the truth
because the truth is made of serrated edges and tears.
And no one wants to tell the truth because their salty tears make the wounds hurt that much more.

NOTE TO ALL:

I will no longer be explaining posts to people. I don't name names for a reason and if you don't understand a post, sucks for you.
xoxo
Peanut Butter

Tiffany Boxes filled with lies.

Pretty little lies, wrapped up in satin bows
dropped on doorsteps, filled with crap.
This is the legacy and this is the truth.
Lies that taste like arsenic and lipstick
filled with glitter and dust
set to explode when the light turns green.
And they're off, destroying with their pretty little stilettos.

2/22

Have you ever been in a hall of mirrors? Nothing makes sense
Up is down and down is to the left.
My head is spinning and I reach to steady myself
but I'm grasping at air and can't catch my breath
Like Alice down the rabbit hole, down I go.
falling, dying, failing

pain

Pages torn from a fractured novel
How can I construct a romanticized reality when the reality I'm romanticizing has come tumbling down around me?
Cracks in the glass, only seen by me. The crazy glue I put on only makes it okay for everybody else.
I'm backed into a corner by lies and deceit and nothing has the strength to pull me out.
I'm walking through a dream, my head is filled with a haze and I have no hope for myself.

let the fire burn

let's leave this place
drop everything
i'm lost in dreams and reality
i feel like im dead but breathing
i'm scared i will die inside
i'm giving up...so catch me.

ache

my heart becomes heavier
and my throat becomes a little bit tighter.
my hands get cold
and my breathing quickens.
i ache to regain that
lost civility. chivalry is dead...but it wasn't.
it was golden and as alive as you and i
and now it's gone, dusty, dead.
no one wants to return to the land of the prigs
but me.

A new connection was being formed, sparking and lighting up; golden
old memories, sharp scissors of my mind came back to snip snip
cut us off.
who's to blame? blame the sky
blame the moon
blame whomever you want
just don't blame me.

Ghost

Since when are flesh and blood invisible?
When you see me do you see the wall behind me?
What color shirt am I wearing?
Or are you too busy walking away?
There are more words in the sentence I'm conveying to you right now...
do you want to hear them?

O.M.F.G.

I now know what a punching bag feels like
and I must remind myself to breathe.
I wait for numbness to relieve me of this
sadness and aching.
Help!
Sticks and stones may break my bones...
but why are your words hurting me?

Who Killed Gatsby?

Nothing is clear until the tears fall
making way for everything to make sense
Revenge would be sweeter than honeysuckle, but at what cost?
Talking and shutting up are two very different options
neither which are kind
but acid on my tongue would be soft next to the pain
your betrayal has caused.
I have no more words to say, no more looks to give
if you want answers, ask the tears shed when you aren't looking.

It's times like these that I wish I could grow fins and swim away from all of this.

It's not okay.

I can't breathe
and I can't think
and all that comes to mind is the immense emptiness what will consume me like a black hole
when you leave.
So I ignore and lie to myself
telling myself that it's okay
and that I can be okay if I just smile
and go on with my life like nothing's going to happen.
Like it's not going to tear me apart
Like it's not going to mean my whole life coming to a stop.
Like it's okay.
It's not.

the tears I cry offer no comfort

Once again I'm the third branch. You make up so much of my life and you are a pillar of sanity in my life of unsteadiness but to you I'm...what? A back up singer to her?? Is that all I'll ever be?? Will I ever be more than second fiddle to her? I know she's amazing but so am I!! I'm right here YELLING AT YOU to please, PLEASE treat me with a little more respect. PLEASE!

what can you do?

A thousand wishes reverberating in my head,
said by me
said by friends
unheard, unanswered.
written on paper, whispered to trees, whispered to me
unanswered.
a thousand little wishes, crying to be fulfilled
screaming to be heard and answered.
help will never come to paper on trees
or words whispered to the wind.

An Eye for an Eye Makes the Whole World Blind

Do you remember when the sky was blue?
Do you remember when the seas were calm?
Do you remember when we weren’t living a lie?
I wish I didn’t, but I do.

Do you remember when we didn’t breathe lies?
Do you remember when we had the same thoughts?
Do you remember when we were one?
I can’t unsee these images and videos and I can’t turn off the projecter in my head that keeps playing them.
Sometimes I think everyone can see them too.
Maybe then they would see what really happened.

I’ve only told one person.
Have you been asked about it yet?
I have.
It was awkward.
I have all these questions and you are like a brick wall.
Why?
Why did you tell people?
Are you that excited to be disassociated with me?
They say history repeats itself and I hope it does with us.
That way when you miss me I can make you feel as low as you are making me feel every day.
I know that’s petty but at this point, neither of us have eyes to take, arms to take or legs to take.
So I’ll take what you took from me: my feeling of self worth.

Head Rush

I enjoy looking at the world upside down because everything is different
and it's like looking at a whole new world
that's never been explored.
It looks like she's standing on the ceiling and balancing on the ceiling on one foot.
After a while your head starts to hurt but that goes away quick.
My favorite part is when you sit up all the blood rushes out of your head and you get a
head rush.

Dear Readers:

I am NOT attending AMP on Friday because:
Our arts council has failed to sufficiently promote or announce artistic events OTHER than AMP all year. Imagine how frustrating it was to not hear the play announced until the week of. Hello?!? We had been working on that all semester and AMP wasn't until FEBRUARY. Also, the day before Evening of Performances, the arts council made an announcement at class meeting about AMP. My friends and myself had to announce it ourselves. It wasn't awful, it's just not our job. We have representatives for a reason: so that they can REPRESENT something so that students don't have to go searching for information about them. There's more than just visual arts, people! Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of hearing about AMP and I have no interest in attending. It wasn't very fun last year until the very end when DJ Swine Fork Beard played that remix of the Office theme song. And the Dollhouse finale is that night. I suggest that you don't support an arts council that doesn't help to better inform you, aka, DOING ITS JOB.
Sincerely,
peanut butter.

This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are over looked, who become friends and nothing more. This is for the girls who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in anything they want to wear, who care more than they should for guys that don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have watched other girl’s time and time again fake up make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds.” This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments, who have been confident on the outside but breaking on the inside. This one’s for the girls you can take home to mom. This is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he might never be. This is for the girls who believed and waited. For the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning in a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with. This is for the “I really like you, you’re my best friend” comment after you read more into a situation then he ever intended. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful, intelligent, amazing, loyal and truly worthy of a great guy. You have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’ve ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys. And last but not least, this is for those of us who have grown up and realized that it’s all bullshit, and that we are worth more.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them and think little else than where their next conquest will be made.

Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interesting and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful girls were you to give her your number and wait for her to call…and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you met the night before, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more of this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don’t say you’re on the look out for nice girls. Maybe nice guys finish last in the race they’re running, but they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets…the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they are the ones that you want at the end of the silly race. So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)…sometimes the nice girls get sick of waiting.
-Jessica Leigh Griffith

Third Branch

Today I saw a picture of a tree. The tree had three branches coming out of the trunk. Two of the branches were intertwined and the third was leaning in the same direction but it was separate.

I wish I wasn't that third branch all the time.

I think that the amount of sadness that you feel when someone close to you leaves your life is directly proportional to the amout of happiness they caused when they were in it. When you decided to leave my life, I felt nothing. I guess that means you were a shitty friend and considering the way you are treating me now, I'm not suprised.

Re-Post: March 2nd 2009

So I found this and it is as topical now as it was more than a year ago:

Losing something, anything, is like losing a part of yourself. A small, kiss-sized part of yourself. It just flies off like the birds migrate in the winter. And trying to regain it is pointless because that piece is a living being and once it has left you it has died. Putting a dead thing back together is redundant and a waste of time.
I feel these lies falling from my lips and I try to stop them but they are so heavy with the weight of hours spent on the phone talking about our favorite lip gloss. Heavy from my guilt and all of the food we consumed while watching bad t.v. It saddens me, but it is dead.
So why even try?

The Curse of the Hopeless Romantic

I keep watching all these romantic comedies and I see these perfect guys,
you know the ones: attractive, funny, cute, rough around the edges, witty, etc,
and I can't help but wonder if my need to find my leading man is what's making me alone.
If trying to put him into all these categories is what's making me alone.
If wanting him to be the perfect guy for me is what's making me alone.
Maybe I'm right, in which case, I need some Ben & Jerrys.
But maybe I'm wrong and my perfect guy does exist...I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...
If my perfect guy is out there, then I'm never going to stop looking.
I'm never going to settle for anything less than the attractive, funny, cute, rough around the edges, witty, etc, man comes along and sweeps me off my feet and we ride off into the sunset together.
And here's a message to my perfect guy (c/o the universe):
I'll see you there and I'll be the one with the goofy smile on.

As long as I have my dreams I know I'll be okay
because if I always know that I can escape
Then the trivialities of life don't seem quite so awful.

So my level of frustration with you right now is so ridiculous, that I could laugh.
I have actually laughed! Haha! (< SEE!)
I see you and I so want to help but I know that if I do
I'll only get yelled at.
It took me too long to figure that out.
If I can help, let me know.

200!!!

so this is my 200th post...wow...if you haven't already, check my tumlbr at www.rawritsphoebe.tumblr.com because i post my poetry and thoughts here but there are much more pictures there. I'm really glad that I was able to keep a blog for this long (200 posts!) and I hope that I'll make it to a year. Haha. Thanks for reading and if you haven't FOLLOW!
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

Where Does the Good Go

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen
It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

So I never thought I'd be quoting Nick Jonas here, but some lines from his new song just really hit me, so here they are:

"Now that the pain is done, no need to be afraid, we don't have time to waste, just tell me that you'll stay. Beautiful, one of a kind. You're something special babe, and you don't even realize that you're my hearts desire. Its hard to believe where we are now, your hand in mine feels right somehow"

Idk why, but it was just one of those things that really stuck with me.

today, i cried because i'm alone
and because i'm going to semiformal alone
and because i'm getting ready alone
and then i went in the bathroom to clean myself up
and i looked in the mirror and realized why i'm alone.

We Can Try

What would you say
if I
told you that all I've thought about
is you
since you been gone
I wish some way, some how
I could turn this world right back around
and mend mistakes I made.

So I could say to you that
I know things aren't quite like what they used to be
different faces, different places yeah.
We could try, oh yeah we could try.

What would you say if I
told you that I'm not givin' up
however long it takes
It's clear that things have changed
since when we started
but we can't just walk away, babe.

So I am telling you
that I know,
thins aren't quite like what they used to be
different places, different faces yeah
We could try, oh yeah we could try.

I know, things aren't quite like used to be
different faces, different places, yeah.
We could try, oh yeah we could try.

I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be.
Different faces, different places, yeah
We can try, oh we can try.

I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be.
different places, different faces, yeah.
We could try, oh yeah, we could try
I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be.
different places, different faces, yeah.
We could try, oh yeah, we could try

New Years Eve

So am I the only person who doesn't feel the need to go out and partay? I'm just fine chilling with my rents and watching Christmas Movies. Or bad horror films. Seriously! I'm gonna stay up till midnight, probably later, doing nothing. And I'm okay with that.
FB Bumper Sticker Quote:
Sometimes when I say "oh I'm fine" I want someone to look me in the eyes and say "tell the truth".

That's so true...

Happy New Years! Only two more years till the end of the world, so live it up!
xo
pb

Duct Tape

Have you ever seen a teeny tiny mallet? Now imagine that same mallet smashing a huge glass structure.
It takes time to destroy it but
eventually the glass cracks.
It is at this point that paradigms shift.
The image seen through the glass is no longer clear and it doesn't make sense anymore.
The mallet doesn't stop and pieces of the glass start to fall off.
Now I can see through the glass, it can't protect its secrets anymore.
I try to tape the pieces back in but the mallet keeps hammering
and everything is falling apart and the fucking mallet won't stop.
The tape makes everything look ugly and everyone knows that something bad happened
because everyone can see the tape.
And thats worse than a thousand mallets.

Pangs

Somethings just make sense. like pizza. It's simple, it's delish, its awesome. case closed.
but somethings make no sense. feelings and whatnot.
Do I miss YOU or the times we had together? I don't miss the lies, thats for sure. They were what drove me away but I still don't know if i really miss you or what i'm feeling is stupid and invalid because I don't actually miss you. I'm just pining.

update!

hey guys! so I did make a tumblr but this is still going to be my primary blog. the url, it you want to check it out, is www.rawritsphoebe.tumblr.com =D have a great new years eve (I know I will!). I'm going Go Karting (get the ice pack ready!) and then to dinner at Cafe Pierre with my family and the Sampsons! =P. I can't wait to go back to school and get FROZEN YOGURT FROM OUR NEW FROZEN YOGURT MACHINE! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! GAHHHHHHH!
Okay, i gtg watch RuPaul's Drag Race.
<3
peanut butter

changing from rose to globe

everything falls together and all the dead roots slant in the same direction, like a crooked politician.
the color is an ashy brown; dead; barren; never to be fruitful
many things never come to fruition
but few can ever hurt me.
just a few have ever been banished
and the rest make no sense.
few can hurt me and they do, all the time.
this one has no shape, no form, no mold
therefore i know not if it is benign or malignant and i fear i shall never know for
without the form i can never know
and while i am supposed to be able to tolerate the state of not knowing
this is too unbearable and i know not what to do.

Chain Link Fence

You say it and I will do it.
You want it and I have it before you can say it.
You put your hand out and I will take it and follow you to the ends of the earth.
Nothing can stop me from loving you
Nothing can stop me from wanting you.
Like a chain link fence, we twist and twine
Fixed together twixt the mess of life.

Crumbling Castles

I got all these knots in my stomach and a huge nerdy smile broke out on my face.
I can't believe it, even now.
I feel like nothing can stop me now, like nothing can touch me.
SOMEONE cares about me, so everything is finally falling into place.

pain

everything just kind of pools together into one blob
I don't know whats in it, but its just there...
Nothing makes sense and nothing is distinguished.
A heavy heart makes for a heavy head.
or is it the other way around?
Regardless, where it is heavy, it hurts.
So I hurt, and i cry, and I hurt some more.

A Serious Case of the Tuesdays.

I'm in one of those states
where I don't want to move
or breathe.
I cried today.
I don't want to go tomorrow, but I have to.
Because it will make me a big girl.
I need to feel something.
I'm not making sense and I have a song stuck in my head.
I laughed today.
I feel like crying right now, but I just want to see white
and ponder things.
Lately I've been looking at the little things
and planning out the big ones.
I can't seem to pay attention
when people are talking to me because I
keep looking at the way the light hits
that spoon.
Nothing makes serious sense right now,
not even me.

Avatar

So I'm not going to put out any plot spoilers in this blog, I will save those for another post but, THIS MOVIE WAS SO FREAKING GOOD OMIFREAKING GOD!!!!!! James Cameron has changed the way I will see movies, literally. I walked out of that movie with Shoe and we (mostly me, but still) were freaking out. From the score, to the acting, to the plot itself, it was probably one of the best movies I have ever seen. I know I use that term wayyy to liberally, but i Promise that this is the best movie of the year, by far. It should win an Oscar. That's how good it is. I'm still in that blissed-out movie state. So you should all go see it then report back to me so we can FREAK OUT. And, if you do go see it, see it in IMAX 3D. Without that experience, it's just not even close to the same. The colors are brighter and the action is more intense. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

Who I Am

I'm the girl who laughs way too loud and whose socks will never, ever match.
I'm the girl who hates her braces and obsesses over boys.
I love the stage and the nauseous/OMIGOD feeling during the curtain call after a show.
I want to travel the world and eat McDonalds in Paris, just to be an arrogant American.
I can't wait for college, though life without my friends will leave me a wreck.
I put together whole outfits in my head then realize that I can't afford any of it.
I get this jittery feeling when I'm really, REALLY excited about something and all I can do is scream.
I can't really sing, but I do it anyway because all the notes sound right in my head.
I love you all.

xo, pb

Song Lyrics/Update

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we're throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

Wings wouldn't help you
Wings wouldn't help you...down
Down fills the ground, gravity's proud

December is darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
Calendar girl who's in love with the world Stay alive


UPDATE: I'm thinking of moving my blog to tumblr. They have way more themes over there and it looks way easier to use. Idk...i'll let y'all know first. =)

Nonsensical Rainbows

forsake the temporary
the fake
the faux
the fad
the thing that isn't going to last.
Look for the long-lasting
the thing that will stay with you
through thick and thin.
Your bff, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your soulmate.
some common factor through out all this...mess
we call life.
that thing will keep you grounded and keep you
sane and keep you from killing someone (maybe yourself)
when times get tough.
look for that
and then the rainbows will make sense.

I see it all around
I see movies, pictures, people
I hear songs about it, songs with it
Everyone seems to have it... but me.
I could have it, but I don't have it.
I don't know why, but I just don't.
It defines people, it makes them irrational
It makes them do crazy things
And everyone has it, but me.

untitled

They're like little parts of myself. You can't see them and they aren't part of my physical appearance. They belong to my core. They are more important than my mouth, hands, heart. Without them I'm not whole or complete and I'm like a Connect Four board without the pieces put in. Emmerson or Thoreau might frown upon such a dependence, but I'm honest about what everybody is feeling. Just because you hide it doesn't make me less of a person for being upfront about it.

A Couple of Things...

1)If I say anything, the shit will royally hit the fan. But I want to! I just can't.

2) I always have these moments when I see something, or say something, or something happens and I just start writing a poem in my head. Those are usually the good ones, but I never write them down and then they just fitter away. *sigh*

3)Sooo...history class? IS A JOKE! We've had one test so far and as long as you talk and show the same views as him, you're kinda doing really well. That's really all it takes. And I LOVE IT! It's balances out my grade in Bio(ewwww!).

4) So Christmas is coming up! GET EXCITED FOR A RECESSION HOLIDAY! That means old newspapers as wrapping paper, no more name-brand toys (Hello Shmarbie!), and Santa only gets two (COUNT 'EM!) cookies. Speaking of Santa *SPOILER ALERT* He doesn't exist. I should have figured that out as soon as my parents told my brother and I that Santa didn't actually want milk, he wanted a Corona w/lime. And the reindeers didn't want carrots! They wanted a burger. That should have tipped me off. But I actually found out when my mother was using a purse that the Easter Bunny had given me and I accused her of stealing. She informed that that, in fact, she had purchased it in Chinatown. I then made the connection and was sufficiently upset for the rest of the day. =*(
Oh well!

Copperboom!
peanut butter xox

Black as night

An inky black night
swallowed up by tears
pouring out of her eyes.
She cries because she is alone,
and she is alone because no one knows
who she really is.
She hides in the corner, hoping no one will ask her
if she is okay.
So for the rest of the day she smiles, so no one will ask her
if she is okay.
She hides secrets
and asks questions
that lead to a nowhere
as dark as the inky black night.
Her tears get washed away by the shower
only to be replaced by new tears, caused by a new sorrow.
She cries in vain, and her pain will never be heard.
Her tears will never dry and will always be renewed.
There is nothing to console her, nothing to answer her questions.
Just sorrow
that gets swallowed up by the inky black night.

Without you...nothing

I miss those days when I could tell you everything
When your smile meant I was free
When I could say stuff without feeling stupid
I don't miss you
Just the feelings you brought.
You are a storm of destruction
worse than every hurricane, tornado or earthquake
ever to grace the earth.
You cause tears, pain and heartache.
Without you I am worlds away
without all the pain you caused
the tears you caused
and the heartache I had to overcome.
Goodbye forever.

Dear stalkers:

Hi Therine, Hi Nette!
=)
I thought since I singled y'all out at lunch I might as well single y'all out on my bloggio! haha!

This is Sad

It's sad that a salutation in the 21st century consists of one thing: @
Yes, the twitter response symbol. I rarely ever write 'dear' or 'hello' anymore. It's just '@' then whomever I want to talk to. It sucks sometimes. UG!
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

Godfather Trilogy

So last night I watched the first Godfather movie with my pops and today I watched the other two movies. So here's my run-down on the hallowed trilogy:
My favorite of the three was the first (mostly because James Caan was in it...but...) and I found it to be the least annoying. Yes, you heard me right, annoying. In the second one Michael was a detached zombie and the entire third movie was just unnecessary! Michael's attempt to "legitimize" the family is an unattainable ideal that is made even more unattainable by his temper. He is soo close to becoming legit then he has to go and kill someone, which a legit company wouldn't do! And the third movie gets its own paragraph so...

So the Godfather part III was just dreadful. It was a half an hour too long and Sofia Coppola was horrible! And what's with the whole Cousin love story line? Bada BING! IT sucked! The whole movie was just Too. Much. I didn't need to know that Kay still loved Michael because after what they did to each other, I was ready to move on. Also...the whole story line was just lacking. None of it was enticing. Oh! And did Michael Corleone, MICHAEL CORLEONE, really die like that? REALLY!?!? That's so annoying, that such a character just keels over, just like that. I mean COME. ON!! ug. More later.
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

umm this is AMAZING

That bench in the corner

So all this time
I've been thinking that you were amazing
fantastic
and I thought you were the coolest
and that everything you said
was the smartest thing ever
and that you taught me everything

but you're just full of crap.
and a whole lotta bull.
I'm sorry but shit like that just isn't
real
it's fake shit you put up there to impress someone
I used to look up to you
but now I'm just thinking

what happened to you?

crap like this

I really want to write something, but I don't know what to write

I'm not inspired

I'm not at all tired

and these are the two best times for me to write poetry

I'm just bored

and thats when crap like this comes out. MAH!

So I saw Jessica Stroup today (Silver from 90210) and she was smoking! EW!

I was at this office that my dad was at today which was on the Raliegh Studios Lot and thats where they film 90210 and OMG I saw her as I was leaving. there was TOTES rubberneck action...which I kinda feel bad about...but whatevs!

Talk Derby to Me!

I went to the LA Derby Dolls tonight and I just had to come up with derby doll names for myself and others.

-Elizabeth Bendit, #1813

-Sarah Impalin, #-08

-Auntie Maim, #65

-Grassy Ass, #1111 (she would wear green hot pants)

-Curl Swirl, #360

-Harry Slaughter, #7

-Bella Killin (no number for her yet)

well, I hope y'all had a successful weekend!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xo

clouds

You will always be my friend, right?

I cannot hug you

but you listen to my secrets

You do not respond

but I know you are listening

You are always changing

but always there

I see what I want to see

and I say what I want to say

and everything is okay

because you are always there.

Just the wisps of a thought

falling from the sky

catching the light with an invisible, selfish net

greeting me in the morning and staying around to

say goodnight

Taking a summer vacation

but coming back in time to see me off to my first day of school.

Beautiful, light, high-in-the-sky

clouds

Those Girls

My goal in life is to smile as much as those girls

to impart as much wisdom upon younger generations as those girls

to have as much kick-assery occur during my years as those girls

to be as talented as those girls

to have as many bffs as those girls

and to be as loved as those girls.

BEST FRIENDS FO-EVAH!

So I found an old birthday card you sent me

and I realized it was all a big lie.

I saw all the pictures we took

and wondered why you even bothered to try.

I understand that you now hate me

so much as to avoid me.

So thanks for the memories, inside jokes and sleepovers.

I hope what you did to me never happens to you.

Well...that's kinda a lie. I REALLY hope it happens to you.

xo

baby

Two-Faces

The last I remember, saying one thing and doing another

is generally frowned upon.

I do not understand why people do it if

it is so obviously unacceptable.

The obviousness of such lies

do not escape me.

Especially when the evidence is mere feet

from me.

I do not believe that such lies

are to be borne in a civilized societal setting.

And yet the liars in question

persist!

And persist!

And persist still!

I am terribly upset and find this whole subject very vexing.

Stomach

Why do I hold all of my emotions in my stomach?

Pain, Sadness, Excitement, Fear, Anxiety.

It all goes into my stomach, and thats how I know something is up.

Its very strange, but I just don't know why.

a fiery ghost

she loves

she laughs

she sings

she dances

she acts

she cries

she is a fiery ghost

she is the light

she is the laughter

she is the shoulder to cry on

she is the one to go to with troubles

she is the sweetest most harmless person alive.

and i love her.

If Caroline had her way...

D: ...and I can't understand why she refuses to accept me!

B: Goodness! What are you getting at? I just sit here all day and listen to you rant about HER! I'm right here! What is so wrong with me??

D: I beg your pardon?

B: Oh don't act like this is a surprise! You've known how I feel about you for sometime now and all you do is ignore it. What do you think this is? I can tell you it isn't a card game! These are my emotions you are toying with and I don't appreciate that you go about doing nothing but talk of that Bennet girl! I love you Mr. Darcy and I have always loved you. I know you better than I think you know yourself. Then that girl waltzes into your life knowing nothing about you and absolutely abhorring you. Yet, to my complete astonishment, you persisted. You mocked me when I asked when I was to wish you joy and you just offered her your hand. I don't know why you feel the need to hurt me like this. All I ever wanted to do was to be loved by you, not cast off like slop. At least appreciate me the way I appreciate you. I adore you and I am willing to do anything for you. Please, please...I'm begging you...

D: Yes...well...quite so...I must leave. Goodbye

B: ...I expected as much.

Her

Her face is beautiful

Her dress is beautiful

Her air is beautiful

and so horrible at the same time.

everything is justified

and ridiculed

and terribly objected-to

and horrible.

her love is sad

and pure

and true

and ridiculed

and terribly objected-to

but not horrible. no, this is true.

this is real.

for once everything about something is real and true and pure.

no spite, no hate. just love. for once. and, unfortunately, only once.

and she is judged.

and she judges. with no one telling her otherwise.

she has learned well, but not wise.

she has learned the ways of spite, not of truth and kindness.

she has been taught to hate and to ridicule and to win. never to lose and accept it.

pride has been her way, and that has been her downfall.

TWIN DAY

So I'm not sure if a few lower schoolers got the memo: Twin Day doesn't mean, "let's wear the weirdest, most outrageous outfit so EVERYONE knows we're twins." Seriously? If you wear a cute outfit with one other person or a number of other people, the school will know you planned it. No need to dress like you are prepared for a clown-hoedown or a rave!

Get excited for Fav Animal Day tomorrow. It'll be just like going to the ZOO! =D

Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

She is strong

She is a warrior

She is fluid

She speaks only of truth

She is a thing of strength, beauty, terror, talent and love

Her eyes shine with intelligence and her tongue is sharp with wit.

Her song makes songbirds insecure.

She has abundant talent and a mind of genius.

She is fiercely loyal and terrifyingly independent.

Her body moves like silk in the wind

She is my best friend and I love her.

The Lady in White Robes

she screams in vain

searching for something, anything

the ground is cold beneath her feet

she digs and searches the earth for her lost item.

the mist engulfs her dreams

her cries for help cannot be heard

her prayers go unanswered

as the blindfold tightens

she cannot see

she is alone

luminescence

adequate.

thats a slippery slope between okay and great.

I just made it.

But what if that's not good enough? What's wrong with wanting perfection or, dare I say it, equality?

If there was equality, then there would be no need for adequate.

That would just be a fleeting thought. Merely a transitional period between okay and great.

Then that smile would be mine, because we were equal and I wasn't just adequate.

She is above us all.

transcending the normal, the accepted, the usual.

She is better, brighter, smarter.

She knows all, yet harbors secrets none of us can dream about.

She must struggle against it all just to survive, all while facing her demons every day.

She has daily battles that no one has ever faced.

She is strong, brave, and alive.

The Sad Lady

Who was it that broke your nose?

That tore your dress?

Who removed your arm?

Your beautiful eyes weren't always lined with creases and cracks. Who did this?

A toga as flowing and sheer as your own mustn't be torn and ripped as it is.

Your arm is supposed to be right here, gesturing to the pool.

Why is is that these questions go unanswered yet I know how average people's lives are?

This is sad, and this is what makes the sad lady sad.

FAME

SO I went to see fame on Wednesday and it was AMAZINGGGGGGGGGG!!!!! All y'all should go to see it! I also got the signature of the cast! I DIED!

I have proof of the crime

written, solid proof

and no one believes me.

You'll believe me when I walk away from you

when I tell everyone what you did

what you said

and the best part?

its never going away.

can you give me a hug

and tell me it's okay?

hush the lies

and make them go away?

black out the noise, the gossip, the pesky little people

the things that don't make sense?

i beg you dear, don't let it hurt.

make it fast, quick, hurried.

then end the whole deal 

and all will be settled.

my rightful place will be fulfilled.

Away, different, separate.

no time

AIGHT! So if I had more time i would post stuff more often but unfortunately my soul just got sold to the devil ( i wrote in his book and now have a spector...history...) and i no longer have time to do stuff for myself...such as shave and write my blog. ick. 

gtg SLEEP TIME! GAHH

copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

not quite sure...

It's like some far-off distant stranger

telling me things I already know,

showing me places I've already been.

A face I used to know

A person I used to be

A friend I used to have

A name I used to hear.

GLEE

I'm not gonna put any spoilers in here, because I have gotten in trouble for that before.

BUT

O

M

F

G!!!!!!!!! I DIED! 

Anyone who's watched will get this and if you haven't it will seem random:

CINCO DE MAYO! hahahahha

The songs were amazing! (Gold Digger, Push It, Say A Little Prayer {QUINN CAN SING!}) And the story was AMAZING! Later in the week I will talk about what happened, give people time to see the episode. BUT OMFG IM DYING! HAHAH

Gotta go do BIO! FUN!

Copperboom!

xo pb

Broken

I was always there for you

Unquestionably, unwavering. 

No doubts, no fear. Just there. 

And I always came back; don't know why, just did. 

But you always made it worth it.

But one little slip and now it's broken again.

And I don't have the effort to fix it...again...again...again. Alone.

And since you aren't helping either, so be it.

Goodbye.

King Solomon

If you had to choose, who would you pick?

If King Solomon were to cut you in half, I would be the one to give you up.

In short: I'm here for the long run. I care more.

We have a history together and have always been in eachother's lives. 

I'm always gonna be here for you, whatever you choose.

BFFs...right?

I know it seems irrational, but it's just the truth. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do.

You and me are always on the same page so when we don't see eye-to-eye it throws me off.

I love you to death but I'm over *that* and I need you to understand.

There's no need to be nasty, it's just the way I feel.

I'm sorry if you feel the need to be profane or hurtful, but all I'm doing is laying down the facts.

Mean Girls

She leaves a wake of destruction behind her,

her shiny veneers hide fangs so sharp they will tear you apart

and some swear they have seen a tail whip around underneath her too-short skirt.

People divert their eyes when she passes

and her perfectly coiffed hair hides horns.

Her ingenuity is used to tear girls down.

God Damn, high school girls are bitches! 

Okay this is probably the longest break in-between posts. I got back from vacay 2 days ago and I'm just chilly chillin. SUPER FUN! =P How have your summers been? Anyone as excited for school as I am?! Im SOPUMPED! Haha, and the loser is back! Well I'll talk to y'all later because I have two summer reading books to finish in two weeks. I am TOOCOOL!

Summer On!

pb xoxo

Directions

Look West and you'll find sun, surf, Maliboobs and the best sunsets

Look East and you'll find cold winters that give your ass frostbite but sunrises that shake your core.

Look North and you find North America =) along with the cold Arctic

Look South to find Creole, Jumbalaya and a whole lott Voo-Doo. And some Texans, but whatevs.

Look inside to find the answers to your problems, troubles, heartache and strife. You have every answer you need. All you need to do is look inside and just focus...

Summer on!

pb xxoo

teen angst

bare and exposed

covered and clothed

all at the same time

insecurities cause cracks in the caked-on mask

that is what she sees

that is what she thinks

            what she lives

     breathes

     is.

no amount of green can make her red go away

photoshop is no match

to the puffy eyes

and run mascara

of a broken heart.

no, heart doesn't quite cut it.

her soul broke when they broke-up.

her very being was shattered

everyone around her says that she will forget, heal and move on soon enough

tell that to the scars she hides

the tears she cries when no one is looking

the echoes that bound from the tiled walls of the bathroom seem like taunts reminding her of

horrors that she can't escape

a twisted symphony that, whenever she hears it, pushes her down the rabbit hole further and further

the lies

the heartbreak

the hurt

the pain

are all normal

yet so excruciating that no one should ever be subjected to them.

but why are we all put through it at one point or another?