some clouds are purple
and some clouds cry tears of death and destruction down upon the earth
and try as you may to twist your head sideways, the cotton balls in the sky won't change.
the sky reigns.
and so all the wise men in the world gathered up all the love and turned it into a great woven tapestry to cover the earth from the tears of the clouds.
but there were holes in the blanket
and there will always be holes in the blanket
because love is not real
and love is not withstanding
and love is not lasting
and love is a falsehood that will not protect us

my youth and my childhood, locked into submission by metal clasps
drowning like a witch, my hands tied with lace and leather.
my palms get sweaty and screams are found by little girls in rain boots
your smiles lie to me and make me weep
the trees grow tall and fill with sorrow
filmy blue gauze envelopes the searing pain and yellow words make it feel
alright, okay, just fine
hindsight is an afterthought and
billowy dresses cover the truth
la verdad
the only thing i really want right now

NO! NO NO NO NO NO! You can't say that because you don't mean it! I hate it when you do that! You can't say things like that then go and do what you did! Because now, I cry out of hurt and sadness, not happiness from those words. I trusted you! I trusted you with my deepest secrets and I can't know what you sold for appreciation or status or whatever the hell you did with them. I don't know why you would do that. I can't fathom why anyone would do that to anyone. Maybe I am over reacting, but regardless, you betrayed a deep trust I put in you. It's been a while, but it still hurts to think about that betrayal. I have one rule: honesty. You broke that and now I have to live knowing that you have my deepest secrets and they aren't safe. What do you propose I do with that knowledge? Hmm? Share it with you? Because that's SUCH A GREAT IDEA. I miss my friend. That's what's worst, for me. Is that I lost a friend and confidante. Maybe ignorance really is bliss, because then...then I would still have a friend and confidante. I miss you, but you ruined our friendship when you betrayed it.

i’m empty like those promises you made
i’m broken like a glass of champagne after a long night
i just want to cry but then you win.

it’s not black and white anymore, there’s nasty grey bits that we have to deal with
is that so hard? is it wrong? painful? disgusting?
it’s called being an adult. welcome to the club…

i wish i could go back and just not
because then you wouldn’t have to do this again
and again
and those promises wouldn’t be made
and those promises wouldn’t be empty
and those promises wouldn’t be broken

and I wouldn’t be broken by it all

tanned skin that shines like
lacquered nails that type on
tiny phones that sent messages
that tear you down.
I hope you're happy with the things you do and the life you lead
I pray that you enjoy every moment that you spend making everyone else's lives hell
Good for you
Congratulations
You have the power.
Now tell me, how does it feel?

Airplanes

I love airplanes. I love the sound they make when they take off. I love the sound they make when you're in the air. I love how you feel like you're in a racecar when you take off. I love that you're on your way to some other place when you're on a plane. I love that it's so loud in-flight that you can't think. I love the places they take you. Places that hold adventure, solace, relaxation.

It's funny
It makes me giddy because I don't understand it either
It just sits there like eggs that you don't want but made anyway.
It's like life.
Life is just there, it just is. You can't explain it and it's useless to try
Stick your hand out the window, feel the breeze, smile alot
and keep to yourself what belongs to yourself

the words hit the page and splash
they melt down the sides
sprinting through the margins towards oblivion
they scream their message till they cant make any sounds at all
the sky is cracked, they scream
the sky is cracked, the sky is going to tremble, they shout
they can be heard but they are not listened to
their colors mean nothing
they swirl together like tastes
so much better than vanilla ice cream
their colors mingle and make small talk until they have a conversation
striping, taping, polka-dotting it all
left and right
metallic smells fill the pages
the sky is cracked, they scream
the sky is cracked, the sky is going to tremble, they shout
i'm listening, i'm looking, i'm here
but no one else is

like a spider on the edge
sending out threads to make a connection
swing and a miss
trying to find a click, a fit, an ending to the day
the sun sets but we don't
the sky turns to black and so do we
nothing follows order except the rules themselves
trying to swing ourselves up onto the branches of a tree we know we can't climb
screaming at someone else in an argument we know we can't win
swiping a credit card we know won't go through
tumbling through space
breaking the reset button
making up new words and hypothesizing about that shiny box in the corner
mom's making pancakes but we're not home yet
we're too busy trying to find the keys
or trying to find the street
or remembering our names
good morning
good night
good evening
good afternoon
have 'em all and while you're at it, super size it please.

My life is:
sand and inconsistencies
shame and broken soles
aches and mascara
angst and white
doldrums and lights
lies and snow
living and flowers
but please sir, not all at once

I miss Sky so much. Alicia just showed me the negatives of a photoshoot we did and I miss her and Zee so much. I can't believe she's gone for two weeks! That's forever! And I can't talk to her or hug her or laugh with her! I'm sad!

Musing

I don't even know what to say at this point. Everything seemed fine but I guess it wasn't so? Normal on the outside but empty and broken on the inside. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's not us but it's the pain that isn't being expressed. The repression of the pain and love that are fighting for dominance inside of him. To wake up one morning and realize that's gone is an unbearable thought. Tempting, but unbearable. You can't do that, can you? You can't just wake up on morning and stop loving someone. If you did, then maybe the love wasn't there to begin with? Or it wasn't real? I'm not sure what to do with these thoughts other than write them down here.