I feel so wretched. I'm just hoarding all these things inside and I want to tell her SO. BAD. but I can't. Because if I do then I broke Girl Code, and Girl Code is VERY specific. I'm screwed. I can see everything happening, and I'm on the sidelines, saying nothing. It sucks wondering if thats true and wondering if I can change it without losing a friend. I've held this for too long for it to not do damage (DAMN YOU PAST SELF!). So basically I've dug myself into a disgusting hole and now I'm fucked. Lovely!

Does this even make sense?

Real friends are the ones who care even when you don't
Real friends are the ones who hug you when you push them away
Real friends are the ones who want to reach out despite your protestations

I try to be a real friend and sometimes it hurts
Sometimes you push back so hard you hurt us both
I'm always here, no matter what

You pushed too hard and we both got stung, but I'm still here
I'm still caring about you, I'm not giving up
I'm not giving up until theres nothing left to give up

oh also I think I maybe, MIGHT have a crush on the guy my best friend really, really likes and has forbade me to see.
okay thanks bye!

i miss the days when the biggest problems on my mind were the heart on my wrist. or even what uniform skirt to wear that day. the simplicity of it all is offensive to my current predicament. i can't believe i'm going to be a junior. i got more college mail today, but it was a big envelope so my mom and i pretended it was an acceptance letter. i like to think it was just me, putting off the inevitable. i hope.

once in a while i just get really, really sad. I feel guilty for being a huge mega uber bitch. I'm sad because summer's almost over. I'm really sad because of all the things i said tonight and how epically true i know them to be. I'm also sad because the one person who would listen to me, no judgement, just got shut out of my life...by me. it was the right thing to do, right? does my pride mean more than a friendship, no matter how damaged?

Mr & Mrs Noah Hershman

Tonight I went to my godsister Rachael’s wedding and I just want to say, wow. The love I saw between these two people made me hopeful for a relationship just like theirs. When Rachael walked down the aisle, I looked only at Noah and the love I saw in his eyes and even in the way he was standing took my breath away. It was as if every moment of their lives was leading up to this day. Rachael looked stunning and everyone could see it. These are two beautiful people, inside and out, becoming one soul. In my opinion, they’ve been one person for some time now, they just needed to make it official. The understanding between the two, the clear love they have for one another and the way they just work together. It was plain to see, these two are meant to be. (THAT RHYMED!!) So here’s to you, Rachael and Noah Hershman. May you be happy for the rest of your lives (and then some!).
Love,
Phoebe

I'm in a funk, and there are two people I want to talk to about it.
One of them I can't trust, and I learned that the hard way.
The other person...I can't talk to because I don't want to trust them.
I feel like never leaving my bed is the answer and just holing up in my room will make everything go away.
Why?
Because you don't get it, you don't care and lying just makes you look like a douche.
Because my stomach is heavy, my throat is tight and my jeans don't fit anymore.
Because when I see me, I see gray

It hurts to admit that he was right
It hurts to admit that I was wrong
The color is sucked out of my life through a little tube
that goes into everyone else.
My life is gray and picket fences and swivel chairs
and fluorescent lights and no soul and froyo.
My life is boring
My life is extremely boring
My life is one pair of jeans and a whole lot of t-shirts
My life is one pair of sneakers
My life is a beach no one uses.
It's nothing but broken showers and absent mothers
Depressed dogs and fruit flies.
My life is really, really boring.

Sometimes I have these visions of what my life could/should be in 15 years, but I never know what the in-between steps are, you know? I just want to skip all the middle, and be happy. Is that so hard?