"When we can no longer dream, we die" -Emma Goldman

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

SOOOO...I just had this daydream about this new guy that I like. Then I realized that we weren't actually walking to Pinkberry together...it was sad. But not the emo/cry kind of sad. The, geez-i-wanna-make-this-happen kind of sad. 

If you see my common sense anywhere, please return it to me. 
I seem to have misplaced it.
peanut butter xoxo

Monday, April 27, 2009

I follow the instructions. I take a deeeeeppp breath: slowly exhale. Repeat. I clear my mind and think of the color blue. Just fill my mind with blue. No more: No less. Just...blue. Blue...blue...blue...blue...Move On.
Move onto someone better, nicer, someone who cares. Someone who isn't completely oblivious. Someone who isn't a total creeper. Someone who cares about me for me. Not for my chest(or lack thereof) or my brains or my hair color. I want someone who is willing to take the plunge based off of a gut feeling a gut response to a connection made across the room. But not something cheesy. Because cheesy is just...cheesy.
On a random note, my new favorite movie line= "It's just a scary story, Bella"- Jacob Black, Twilight. It's not the quote, because it's kind of an insignificant quote, it's the delivery. Its the voice that comes through when Taylor Lautner delivered the line that makes it so amazing!
peanut butter

Saturday, April 25, 2009


I'm screaming at you to see me and for you to accept me. I try to make you happy and to help you and what do I get? Contempt, disgust, hate. Well, maybe not hate. But something tight rope walking the line between dislike and "why are you here?" So I try to forget, so as I watch us on rewind that smile flashes across the screen. Even for that millisecond...I love you even more. My hands shake, my breath tightens and my thoughts race. I don't know what to do except to cry. So I cry. I cry for that time when we went to the dolphins and we talked about life when whole way there. I cry for when you held my hand at the movies. But mostly, I cry for us. For what we weren't and will probably never be. 

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Ivan & Victor

I wrote another short story! =D

I was dreaming about him…again. Then I heard a bump and my muscles immediately tightened. All I could hear was Heidi’s voice saying, “have an awareness of your surroundings!” My pulse was racing. I rolled over and turned the light on in one swift motion to startle my attackers. I shouted, “STOP, BITCHES!” (I’d always wanted to say that!) and they did. When I finally started to realize who it was, my heart stopped and I gasped. “Mom?”

“Yes, Phoebe?”

“What are you doing?”

She was holding a pillow and dressed in all black. She was flanked by two eastern European men that I had never seen before. It was all really sketch.

“We’re here to make it all better, sweetie.”

“What are you talking about? I got a 98 on my history test, what is wrong?”

“ This is Ivan and Victor, they are going to help us”

“But mom, nothing is wrong, we are all happy and healthy.”
“This isn’t about us, love. Nobody will know. It will be quick then everyone will be happy! Just close your eyes and breath.”

I tried to run after that but Ivan and Victor did some move that they had clearly done before because the precision was impeccable. I couldn’t move. Ivan had my feet. Victor had me in a sleeper hold. Everything started to fade and I struggled to tell her off. The situation didn’t turn out quite like I had hoped…


“I know sweetie, I love you too. See you on the other side.”

So now I’m here. There’s another girl sleeping in my bed. Her name is Lilly. She goes to Marlborough and has my life. But she’s not me. Ivan and Victor aren’t around anymore and I still don’t really get what happened.

Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.

Okay, so I'm in Ancient Civ, and I literally want to blow my brains out. If I didn't have my iPod and had to be subjected to the idiocracies that these girls are talking about....just put me in the coffin with a note that says: SCREW YOU! And make sure my make-up looks good...and call me Henry(that's a reference to Adventureland). Ug, now they're talking about giving birth to a 10 1/5 lb. baby. I DONT WANT TO HEAR THIS!! Good god! This sucks...help!
peanut butter

Saturday, April 18, 2009


I don't know what I want to do anymore. I could just sit for hours and run those days over and over in my mind, digesting everything and inspecting and picking every little word apart and analyzing every move, every step, every syllable uttered. But where would it put me? In the same place as I am now: nowhere. I'm stuck in a place of not knowing what to do next and I don't like it, it scares me. It is frustrating now knowing how he's going to react, if he chooses to react at all. He doesn't really seem to care and he doesn't really seem to notice, so the not caring makes more sense. It's kind of ironic: Adam and Eve ate the apple and they got knowledge yet here I am not having any(at least not on this specific subject). 
So...what is love? I can say I'm in love, but is it love or just an infatuation my stubborn nature won't let me give-up? I see a connection, so I pursue it, but am I pursuing the wrong thing? I can be friends with a guy, but looking back, I've had a crush on every single one of my guy friends at some point. So what? I can't be friends with a guy unless I've gotten him out of my system? So what about him? You know, the one I can't forget? What do I do? I've told myself and other a million times, "I'm over him!" yet here it is again! And I don't like it being there, but I don't want it to go away. I sit here typing on my computer because he doesn't answer and I talk to people about him because he has this effect on me! I don't know. I just don't want this turning into unrequited love, because that will suck!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

So...the heart is back. But it's different. I have been changed(that sounds so cheesy/ominous/RETARDED). So it's on the back of my hand now and it's empty. Only Mary would really understand this...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Birthday too meee....

I think you know that your social life has gone to crap when only one person can come to your birthday. It's not like I sprang it on people...it's a standing date...has been for fifteen years. I hate this, this is the third time in a row that this has happened to me!!! 

7th Grade: I invited about 10 people, nine cancelled so I was excited to have at least one person there. She didnt' come. She heard, "Come if you want" It was my birthday party...OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO COME!!

8th Grade: I invited about 5 people, they all bailed. So I asked my mom to take me to lunch and a movie. She wouldn't go because she didn't want to see that movie. It was my birthday...

9th Grade: I invited 6 people. One is sick, Three have to do homework and one's mother won't let her go. And my best friend is in San Diego and didn't realize that it was my birthday until I mentioned it. So I have one person coming with me to the movies. Thanks guys, you are really my best friends. You rock.
So I compiled all of my writing onto one blog, so you can see it all if you want. Also, today is my birthday!(and i can't fly...bummer)
check it out!
peanut butter xoxo


Today is my birthday! I am officially fifteen! I know that people are always asking if you feel different, being a year older and all, but I actually do! I feel taller, and kind of like Superman! I'm going to go see if I can fly!

Nope, I can't fly, But I can still hurt my ankle. WooHoo! Well I'm gonna go get ready and watch SNL from last night.
peanut butter xoxo

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I was thinking about this guy I fell in love with.
He kinda sorta broke my heart.
He thought we were friends the whole time.
I told him to go long and I threw a pass; I'm still waiting for the touchdown. 
Some stuff went down that, to me, means something. Also, he's not the monogamous type, so that's a con. Too bad I ignore all the bad things, regardless of how detrimental they are. 
And now that song, that garage, that movie, that outfit, that country, all remind me of him and hurt so bad that I have to hold myself together at night for fear of falling apart.
I'm falling down the rabbit hole and I'm screaming for you to throw the god damned rope down but you just can't seem to hear me. Listen, Damnit! I'm screaming for you, so pay attention!
It's ALL for you. So come and get it...

Just Jump

Every breath is like taking a bullet.
I sit and wait but no answer.
I burn, I pine, I perish
You are the only one, now and ever
Only...I helped burn Constantinople to the ground and now I have to pay
I carried the torch to the armory and stood back, smiling as it went up in flames.
The rubble carries memories, the ash in the air leaves a message.
Don't hesitate, don't think. 
Just Jump

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Okay, so I put a sample of my short story on here earlier, and I finished is. So here's the finished product:

The girl started crying as she passed the open coffin. Her father, holding back tears, put his arm around her shoulder and somberly ushered her away. They stood together for the rest of the afternoon, quietly accepting the half-hearted "I'm sorry"s and "Just call if you need anything"s. After the reception, when the store-bought crappy cookies and lemonade were all gone, they then cleaned up and started walking home. When she got to her room she removed the black woolen tights her mother gave her and pulled out her script that she wrote for the eulogy. The ink started to run as she spilt her tears onto the crumpled piece of lined paper. Her father sat on his empty bed, fiddling with his wedding ring and cursing her name under his breath. "Oh god, Jenny, come back damnit!"

The girl sat in her chair, holding her book as if she were reading it. Her eyes rested just above the top of the page as she stared at the wall. She breathed and felt the emptiness in her stomach. It hurt when she moved, but she knew that they had more handouts than the fridge could accommodate, so she got up and shuffled into the kitchen. She sat at the table, silently nothing the hush that had entered the house. The only noise she could hear was herself eating cold spaghetti. She would have heated it up but she didn't know how to work the microwave. Her mother would always be the one to heat things up for her. Thinking of her mother made the pit in her stomach get bigger, so she ate a little bit faster.

Her father slowly undressed, he needed to do something with his body or else he would collapse. He strode towards the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror, seeing his wife next to him. He turned the knobs on the shower and turned back to the mirror as the water warmed up. His eyes fell and landed on her side of the counter. His fingers traced the double c's on her Chanel #9, never to be used again. He kissed the worn spot on the bottle where she had pushed the spritzer so many times. As steam rose behind him, he sat down in the chair she used to read in, every night. He sat in the bedroom, in her chair, forgetting that he was naked and forgetting that steam was pouring out of the bathroom door. He just sat there, letting numbness wash over him and he slowly became angry. Not at his wife, she was much too perfect to be angry with, but at himself for not saving her. Isn't that his job? Wasn't he supposed to be her protector? Her savior? Wasn't protecting her and caring for her in their god-damned wedding vows?

The girl pulled on her robe, feeling the cheap fibers cling to her unmoisturized arms. She held the hot cocoa close, praying that it tasted the way she wanted it to, the way her mother used to make it. Her mother always said that the reason it tasted so good was because she made it with love. The girl wondered if you can make something with love if you have no more love left in your body? She took a sip and it tasted like crap. She threw the mug at the wall, screaming as she did so. She then stood and silently observed as the marshmallows stayed on the wall for a moment, then slowly began sliding down. She had nothing more to do, so she walked to her room with no intention of cleaning up.

Her father heard a smash and a scream, which pulled him from oblivion. He grabbed a towel and sprinted to the kitchen to find a broken mug on the floor surrounded by still-steaming hot chocolate and marshmallows. He slowly bent down, careful not to cut himself on any stray shards of glass, and removed the larger parts of the mug. He got the mop and, back and forth, back and forth, cleaned the linoleum until it sparkled. He could feel the Pine Sol burning his nose, he never knew how much was too much.

The girl cried when they started to pack up her mother's things. Her father cried when her clothes were put in to storage. The girl threw a tantrum when her father suggested a new family portrait for the mantle. The two of them slowly pulled together the mangled pieces of their shattered lives and, for the first time in a long time, the pit in the girl's stomach started to get a little bit smaller.
Maybe I just put all my effort into it
Maybe it was just a fantasy.
I have dreams about us, and I tell myself we are all wrong
I miss when it was simple
Maybe you and I just never have the right timing
I just don't want to end up kicking myself for letting my soulmate get away
I just don't want to lose you.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

So maybe you aren't so bad. I keep seeing it and I just need to ignore my inhibitions and just go for it! How bad could it be? I need to get it out of my system or I will die...or something...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

This isn't you. You are kind, sensitive, caring and sweet. So why are you acting like this? I just need answers, not a game of basketball!


You zig when I expect you to zag and once in a while? You zag, just to throw me off. I'm never quite sure how to act when you do that, just because I wasn't prepared for it. Sometimes I wonder if you do it just to mess with me, or if you are genuinely that ignorant. It's really confusing when someone doesn't catch on...AT ALL! I don't know what to do, so help me out.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Okay, so I didn't get in. That's alright. Life will go on. 
I will go and deal with my terrible state of romance and I will look FAB doing it.
I will deal with my friends and their awesome love life and pretend to be happy for them!
I hate being happy for someone when I'm not. I'm in a bad mood. So sorry if your life doesn't take priority over mine. Ick
I have no idea how I will sleep tonight. I am not tired. at all. in any way, shape or form.
But tomorrow morning, I have to look fabbity fab fab for HIM
He has to literally lose his breath when he sees me! He has to think of no one else and be glad to do so. He also has to think that I'm not crazy or still into him. If I act wayy to into him then my chances will be alll effed up in SO many ways. Ug
I'm going to go to sleep and be happy!
peanut butter xoxo


I want to be someone's Holly....only the story ends up happy. I don't want to grow up to be the jaded LA girl that denies someone. 
But what if denying someone is right for you? Does that make you mean?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

NO means no. You learned that in what? Kindergarten?? and yet you still persist!
I need space from your weirdness and your urgency! We are in high school! Get a grip, man!
I need space so I can deal with my own inconsistencies, I don't need yours to be shoved in my face/up my nose!
I want you to take a hint without me having to tattoo it on your forehead.
Sorry, but you just don't quite get it.