Make me smile, make me laugh
Fill me with sadness, fill me with noise
Let the colors flow, taste the sky
Put your good shoes on
Take my hand and we'll do it all

I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who I used to respect and admire but whose lies have ruined my image of them. I never thought I would wear the red hat but here I am calling everyone a phony! I admire those who have managed to retain some sense of anonymity in the world because honestly? I'm trying so fucking hard to regain it. I want to shoot someone right now!

I have 4 limbs
2 lungs-
1 trachea-
and a heart-
I am filled with blood-
Blood that keeps me alive
Keeps my limbs moving-
Keeps my lungs pumping-
Keeps my trachea doing whatever a trachea does.
All wrapped up in a thin, breathable, fleshy wrapping paper.
Always breathing, feeling, alive, here.
This thin membrane that surrounds my ever pulsing, living, breathing body.
Kept alive by an electrical current
Ba-boom
ba-boom
ba-boom
__________________________________________

A little note

IT'S SPELLED phOEbe. not phEObe. IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO GO, FIND LAST YEAR'S YEARBOOK (OR A DIRECTORY EVEN) AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPELL SOMEONE'S NAME?!!? OR GRAB ME IN THE HALLWAY AND ASK ME. OR LOOK AT THE 3 PLACES YOU DID SPELL IT RIGHT. Oh, and there are girls who aren't listed in the index in the back of the book. Why have one if you're going to not put people in it?!?! Geez!

My rant

CLARIFICATION: Caroline Bingley is not a bitch, she is a brat. There is a HUGE difference. All she did was follow the rules and what did she get? She got screwed over by some middle-class girl with a huge attitude and an annoying family. She only wanted one thing, one fucking thing, and she went about getting it the only way she knew how to and that was by following the rules. Why is it that when people follow the rules they DON'T get rewarded!? What's up with that!??! GOOD LORD! I've been holding that in for a while...

The full Spiel...

MSP Girls:
Working with you all has been one of the best experiences I've ever had. I saw talent, brains, beauty and dedication day after day and show after show. I was blown out of the water from day one. At auditions I couldn't believe that a) I didn't know half of you and b) that you hadn't done theater before. You are all so incredibly talented and gifted and I hope you continue theater at Marlborough. I also wanna give y'all props for holding neutral for EVER. I know how hard it is to hold it right after the warm-up circle but to do it for a whole show? Jesus Mary and Joseph! You go girls! Another thing: THERMALS. 1) SUPER SEXY! 2) SO. HOT. under those lights? If that's not dedication I don't know what is! If you didn't see me after tonight's show, here's a visual: I was crying basically all of act II and couldn't stop until we left school. I'm so immensely proud of each and every one of you. A month and a half ago we had a book...that's it...now we are done with a play you put together from a book. You make me happy to be doing this and it excites me so much that you all are the ones I get to work with for the next 2 years (then I leave, but still...). Everyone asked me why I was doing this and why would I want to work on the MIDDLE SCHOOL play but to be honest? It's because of you guys. You are all so talented and you don't even know it and that's what makes me want to work harder and to make you be the best that you can be (QUICK! GET ME A SUMMER INTERNSHIP AT HALLMARK!). Some addition: my house+you+me=beach, all the time this summer. LETS DO THIS! Call me and we WILL make it happen. I'm here for you all whenever you need ANYTHING! A hug, someone to sing a song with, some tampons or a smile in the hallways. I'm there for each and every one of you 24/7. I don't want to just be one of those people you make friends with during a play then they are just gone from your life. I want to be friends! Can we be friends? Pretty please? I'm pretty awesome! I feel like at this point I'm just ranting and babbling...oh well! It's my blog! I'll do what I want! And what I want to do is get some shut eye after that INSANE cast party!!! My fingers are STILL wrinkly from it! Shout out to Katie K for hosting! Thanks girl! Fav thing about the cast party? THE SEX FAMILY! (that sounds SO wrong for anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about! GAH!) I'm going to miss hanging out with you guys after school and I'm gonna miss keeping y'all in line all the time! You all mean the world to me and we need (read: HAVE TO) chill this summer. Some of us are planning a group DLAND trip, call/email me so we can HOOK IT UP! The tired is kicking in, despite the Mexican Coke/Red Bull high I was on 10 minutes ago. I'm gonna go sleep now.
OH! Did I mention I'm so fucking proud of you it brings me to tears whenever I think about it? I didn't? Oh! Well I think I just did sooooo...yeah....
Hugs & Kisses,
Phoebe
PB
P-hobe
whatever else you wanna call me.
<3

Guess who this one's for?

SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY

she requested this. I love her to bits.

2ND SHOW!

TONIGHT WAS INCREDIBLE! The energy in the room was palpable and the audience was a FANTASTIC one! They laughed when they were supposed to and cried when they were supposed to. I cried like a little baby girl because I was so proud of the girls on the stage. It really made me realize how far they have come in a month! They had nothing but a book a month and a half ago and now they have a fully finished play that is one of the best I've ever seen. I cried as I gave them all hugs because I couldn't believe that they had done this. They are all so incredibly talented and when they delivered every line, it was as if they were made to do this. I cannot stress my pride and love for these talented, smart, kind and beautiful girls. I love you all to bits and prepare for more tears tomorrow!
Love, love, love
PB

Now-Jonathan Groff

Hey, I got your message
That you stopped by the apartment.
No worries leave your things here
For one more day.

I don't know why this happened.
My life is dark as hell without you;
The room feels so much colder
Since you went away.

Brian, I don't want this.
Why can't we sit and talk this through?
I'm losing sleep,
And I need you to come back home
To me
Now.

Since your brother's birthday's Friday
I sent a card from both of us
The day before there was no us,
How was I to know?

Don't worry about your clothes and all,
Maybe I will pack them up.
Make this easier on both of us,
Well, just for you.

'Cause everything is breaking down, now
Since you've been gone.
I don't even know the days,
I don't know where to start,
I'm in agony,
There are times I can't breathe
Now.

So, I guess that's it.
I'm sorry for this message.
Your bags will all be waiting, when you arrive.
I hope you're doing well
Now.

I want to trust you, really I do!
But I can't
It's not your fault, it's just that how am I supposed to talk to you
when you're what I'm talking about?
I don't know
I still talk, just not deeply
i'm sorry
so so sorry
It makes me sad and guilty
but it's true.

PERMISSION ACCEPTED

HAHA! Who feels stupid now? HAHA!
So I wanted to take this opportunity to express my MAMA BEAR-ness. OMIGOD I AM SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF THE GIRLS IN THE MIDDLE SCHOOL PLAY! I WANT TO TAKE THEM ALL OUT TO ICE CREAM OR SOMETHING! THEY WERE ALL SO AMAZING! They are consistently talented and dedicated to their craft. Not to mention the mind-blowing amount of talent on that platform/stage! From day 1 I was amazed by the talent and skill-level these girls had and today they proved it to everyone. I know alot of the girls think that some parts are a little...eh...but I am here to say that everything has a purpose and boy was that purpose served today! There's this one scene that I cry during EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME. that they do it. no joke! EVERY TIME! I've seen this scene maybe 10 times, probably more. The point is, they make me cry every time! I love every one of these girls and they are so talented, sweet, smart and beautiful
Brava ladies!
xo
Phoebe

I miss the sanity
I wish I didn't know that everyone is right
If everyone wasn't right, I would be right and if I was right I would be sane and if I was sane the voices in my head would shut up and if the voices in my head would shut up then I could cry and not feel guilty about every little thing I say and do.
I just want to be able to turn it all off and think, for one second, that this IS the end of the world and I DO believe that I can't recover from this.
But the truth is that life goes on
I hate that but it does
There are shudders and there are pauses but we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing.
And life goes on.
And that sucks.

I remember when everything was whole and I was sane
now the cracks are starting to show and I don't know where I stand
and it scares me.
I lost a friend but gained an acquaintance and everything sucks and
I hate it when my friends talk about how they need to change their diets because they don't like the way they look. I feel like I'm one of the only people I know that likes the way they look and isn't out to change it. I'm comfortable in my skin, why can't everyone else be? And why does everyone have to get so damn touchy when I ask them to PLEASE CHANGE THE MOTHER FUCKING SUBJECT!?!? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DIETS AND LOW-CARBS AND HIGH PROTEIN! I just want to eat the last fucking piece of cake and be done with it all. Is that so bad? Am I a bad teenage girl because of it?? I'm terrified that the second I go down that road I'm gonna turn into my family history of eating disorders and that scares me, okay? I don't want to go there or do that or even think about it, okay? So can we change the subject now? THANKS.
fuck.

I remember when I cared
I remember when lavender lies didn't hurt quite so much
I remember when the words could tumble out of my mouth and I could just let them fall
Now i have to pull them back, like I'm slurping soup.
Now those words hurt to say; they cut my tongue.
Now nothing makes sense and even when I'm surrounded I'm alone.
Now when I leave, there's no caring, no glancing, no inkling of anything resembling a look.
I remember when it mattered
I remember when I wasn't lying to myself to keep the tears at bay
I remember when it didn't hurt
I remember when my life wasn't grey with waxy undertones
I remember when there were no hypocrites in my life
I remember when I could talk without feeling like everything I was saying was wrong.
I remember when I knew what the hell I was feeling and that was fine.
Now I'm lost within myself and loneliness is a vice
Now every syllable is wrong, false, a mistake
Now no one is truthing, just lying.
Now everything is dull, lackluster and without color.
Now the only thing that stops me from crying is the lie that no, really, I'm fine.
Now nothing matters.

It's always take, take, take. NEVER give.
I'm not a tree, I can't regenerate.
It doesn't work like that.
I feel cheap, used, unwelcome (unless I'm useful)
I don't like this at. all.
No one asks, no one cares.
I wasn't lying when I said no one cares, because no one does.
I need you to not just say you love me, but actually love me.
I can't take this constant taking without anything in return.
I need to be respected!

Stupid sadness
Stupid tears
Stupid bathroom tiles for being so echo-y
Stupid me.
I very strongly dislike this feeling of loneliness and inadequacy
I just want to be left alone but no one seems to listen when I say that.
No, I'm not fine, but I just don't want to talk to you about it.
I am going to cry, but I'm not letting myself because you are here.
I refuse to take that answer.
I won't let it win.
I won't let this pull me down
That's such a cliche, but so is high school.

sitting in the back
whirring silently as everything blurs
my mind goes blank
screams echo in my ears and lights flash behind my closed eyes
it's all gone and I'm done
no one notices as I wait for it all to stop
for it all to end
for it all to be finished
for it all to stop hurting.
everyone thinks X but it's actually Y
and there's no way X could be the answer because Z happened, remember?
I want someone to understand me the way I understand me.
i want someone to know when to care and when to let me be.
i want silence in my head
I want to not sound crazy when I have to tell myself to be quiet.
I want to be loved by someone other than my parents.
I need to know who I am.