Two lines becomes three
Another birdie on the line
More to explain
Less is understood
Blue sky, blue eyes, waiting to see again
Warmth from the sun hitting black socks
Failing to answer my question time after time
Somethings just make the lines fade
Others make them show up

I feel betrayed
Empty, confused
I can't understand where this came from
Why it couldn't have been different
Why I still don't think of you
This makes no sense
I want to stop being a zombie
I wish I could just be there
I want to be hurt but I can't be because I lied too
Just...not the same at all

The bristles of the paint brush stay on the page
Marring the streaks of grey
The sun is streaming in through dirty windows
Casting empty shadows on the floor
Cracked and changing
Forever rearranging
Smiles that lie about where they've been
Words that cut like razor blades in the shower
A silence that makes you want to scream and run under the covers
Waiting for your breathing to become silent
There is something that fills you up from within
Toes, ankles, calves, knees, patellas, thighs, butt, lower back, travelling up your spine
Warming your shoulders and sprinting down your arms to your fingers
It continues upwards slowly creeping up your neck until it reaches your brain and
There's no more sight, no more sound, no more taste, touch, smell
Just black

I'm broken and I don't know why
I hide from myself and the gnats inside my brain
by laughing, smiling, cheering, masking
I see through tattered window panes
I feel everything
My hand itches so bad for that
There's a point where the ruler snaps but I'm folded in half
Why?

I should be inspired
I'm so happy that I can't even begin to find the words
I should put feelings down on paper and tell you how happy I am
but I can't find the words
I can't find the inspiration
Why don't I have that ability?
I can always say what I feel
I can tell you what I feel and make you understand it

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

It feels like a different time
It feels like a smoother flight
It feels like the shoes in my closet are a few sizes smaller
It feels like I could fall asleep with my head in my mother's lap
It feels like I still had a princess bed
It feels like I had no concept of financial stability
It feels like I still had a bin of Barbies in my room
It feels like I would play handball everyday at lunch
It feels like there was a different voice on the message machine
It feels like a much longer dream
It feels like taffy was sweeter
It feels wrong
It feels lost
It feels empty
It isn't true.

something in your heart goes cold
your chest becomes open, bare, sterile.
long beeps are heard over soft whispers of
scalpel
bandages
monitor
your eyes become broken lamps
that flicker a once-wonderful message
of hope, happiness, love.
there are few things that make your hand twitch
little white lines marring your flesh
there are few things that make your stomach itch
release with simultaneous withdrawal
and some clean bandages to wrap it all up

i wear my heart on my sleeve
not hidden behind curtains
and clothes
and lies
like you seem to want
i know what i'm looking for
and i'm looking for the answers
not the reasons
i just want to float down the river
in my boat
with my book
and my dreams
in peace
is that really too much to ask?

i want to put on my grey sweater
pour a cup of coffee and sit at the table
and stare out at the day with a content yet deep look at the world
i want to know what i'm going to do
who i'm going to see
where i'm going to go
how it's all going to end up
i want to see the cream swirling in my mug and smile at it
i want to feel your warm arms as they hug me from behind
a warm smile forming on your face
your soft eyes looking down at me with kindness
i want to curl my knees to my chest and lovingly watch you make me breakfast
and jokingly mock your technique
i want to know how it's all going to turn out

Las estrellas son sin luz

y Los flores son sin colore

Cuando tu eres no en mi brazos

Fresas no son dulce

y espejos no reflejan

Cuando nuestros labios no se besando

El sol no brillar

y ojos no ve

Cuando no estamos junto

Pero cuando somos junto

El mundo cae en lugar

y las mareas reanuda sus movimiento

I just found out that a kid I went to elementary school with died in the past day or so.
I remember having a massive crush on him in 3rd grade.
He had a twin brother.
They moved to Boston after 4th grade
I didn't really know him but I'm sitting here crying...
Rest In Peace, Jake

E Pluribus Unum

the clouds become smoke-
whispers, warnings on the horizon of the things to come.
the armies marching forward.
their worn-down boots stomping on the faces
of our tired, our poor, our huddled masses.
the mud that splashes up invades my nose
invades my eyes until all i can see is
the shining sea and the pipes running through it.
one sound is heard in our reason-proof bomb shelter
the thump, thump, thump of our drummer boy
standing up front, reminding those below to row us backward.
my lips are cracked, my face is dry, my feet are bleeding.
where can I rest?
where can I lay my head?
You have denied me salvation, you have refused me house and home and happiness.
Where do you stand?

it always astounds me how quickly death takes one over. You no longer have a name, you are merely a body. You are a photograph on a mantle frame. You are a memory. You are a body to be buried. 

You fall to the ground, no life in your eyes. You remain warm for a short while. 

it always astounds me how insignificant we all are.

there are places we wish to be
things we wish to do
people we never meant to hurt

if only life were a cloud, fading and changing, never hard or heavy

if only life were a cloud so I could float away 

there's a ringing in your corpus callosum
your pupils pulse to the beat
the warmth in your body electrifies your soul
everything's really funny, jumping feels good, yelling is the only way to communicate
drumming through your head is everythought
then everythought goes out your mouth
and it's really funny

love who you love and never look back. FIDLAR
2011

if there's any free space or time in my life, its filled with you
your stupid eyes
your dumb honesty
your dumb laugh
your stupid smile
the dumb way you make me feel, just by saying hi
dumb dumb dumb
all of it
and the worst part is that i can't find any word to describe you
not even amazing covers it
you're never gone, not really, not truly

you're like an infectious disease
you creep up on me with those eyes, that hair and omigod your abs
you look so sweet, you smell so sweet, you act so sweet
and you make me feel like this
but i am tantalus, forever watching and reaching for you
and you pull away, ensuring my pain
fuck you.

okay, i actually hated that. what i meant to say was

i was sitting in the dark and only looking at one thing
one year ago i was in a very different place, yet quite exactly the same place
i thought differently, i sat differently
we walked, it was nice
i thought i wasn't alone
i thought maybe things were going to turn out differently
i was deluding myself
looking back on the innocent and naive moron i was, i pity myself
i feel bad for past me and the shit i had to go through, seemingly alone
it sucks

it sort of lingered
a wistful notion, sweet on my tongue
one year gone by, many changes
fairly imperceptible to those who weren't watching
upsetting in concept, but surprisingly fulfilling

i always wanted to have one of those meaningful looks at someone across a room. perhaps an old lover or ex-friend. you see them in a crowded area and your eyes lock and that look is filled with regret and sorrow and some sort of closure and you're surrounded by people who don't give two fucks that this intense moment is going on. i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. i always wanted to have one of those but then i realized that no one has ever left my life that gives two fucks about me and would take the time and effort out of their day to look at someone, let alone me. isn't that great?

that scribbly little girl, with a stub of a pencil between her grubby fingers
gnawing at her thumbs to get an understanding of the smoke in her head
the shhhhhhh of the classroom is far too much for her
her hair falls limp, it's life long gone
her clothes are a little too loose, barely noticeable
she averts her gaze and lets her eyes meander to the window
she dreams of being a songbird
soft and delicate on the branch of a tree
adored by all, but from a safe distance
the world falls silent when she opens her mouth
and she can leave this all behind at the flap of her wings
the books slam and she is pulled back to chalk dust and rulers
her dream just a smear on her day, another thing she cannot receive
we've all got white ribbons in the back of our minds, drawers, closets
she is mine. remember, love, dedicate.

i'm pretty sure that today is the day i give thanks for those people and things in my life that keep me from jumping off the roof on a daily basis. the problem is, there are too many people and too many things they do for me to list them all here. i'd say it's jamie's smiles every morning, but there are too many mornings that her smiles warmed me better than a cup of hot chocolate. i could say it's zena's snuggliness, but depending on what sweater she's wearing and how much her hair eats me that particular day, the hugs vary. it could be schuyler's total understanding of everything that comes out of my mouth, sometimes before it even comes out, but the thing is, there are just too many things that she gets about me to list. do you see my dilemma? even marisa's calm, cool, collected manner when i'm off the wall can't be listed because i go off the wall good or bad. the thing here is, i love everybody who makes my life just a little bit better by being in it and to say that i'm thankful is such an understatement, it's almost insulting. i'm not thankful for them, i'm not grateful for them, i'm alive because of them. everyday i'm not doing so great, they bring me back to life. they lift me higher and allow me to be a better person. i literally cannot express in words the good that they put into my life. some say that religion is their guiding light, or their family. mine is my friend. my perpetual light in my life that makes me great, that keeps me sane and whole is the light that i see every day. the light that never flickers, never fades, never needs batteries. the best light in the whole world is the one i didn't even ask for. they say that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends, but i beg to differ. i didn't pick my friends. fate picked them and i couldn't get rid of them if i wanted to. they're like good horcruxes. like a part of me is in them (that sounds really sketchy) and i like to think that i've impacted their lives in some way or another. i love you all so much more than you could possibly know.
love,
Phoebe

i always feel so alone at this time of year. mostly because…well i actually have no idea why that is. and the ones who are supposed to care, sort of do, but not really. that's nice, i suppose. it's a funny thought, because i'm on the side, on the outside, on the inside and invisible all at the same time when certain people are around. its the strangest and most alienating position i've ever been in. there are times when i just feel so alone and there's nothing i can do about it. it's just something that rattles me to my core, and i can't shake this feeling that there's no one here that really cares or really wants to help. i can't escape these emotions or poisonous thoughts, they just creep up on me when i'm alone.

do you remember the days when seeing you was the highlight of my week? i can recall every second of those days. I remember spending hours getting ready to see you, just for a bit. it was the most important thing on my agenda, ever. but now i look at how you're treating me now? just because i had feelings for you? i wish i could take back every moment i wanted you, every second i spend pining over you. why? because a guy with this little consideration for the emotions of others doesn't deserve it. you don't deserve shit.

best friend.
is that…something? anything? nothing? is that a dry riverbed to lay your troubles in and hope they flow like the hair down your back? can you push stone on stone and make it move? mountains have piled up around you and i'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for the time of day. i cannot help you if i'm alone in a room surrounded by your words and your problems. i would love to be there for you, but we're all soo busy. it's not just you.

my 300th post is dedicated to my dream

I believe that love truly conquers all. I want a love that exists from the moment I meet him. I don’t have to say I love him, because we both know we love one another. I want to be one part of a being made up of two people. He and I will be inseparable. We don’t need to talk to fill a silence. We know and anticipate one another’s reactions to things. We are happiest when simply holding one another, perhaps whilst staring at the stars. I want a love that defies all odds and expectations. I want a love that fills me up every moment of every day. I want a love I can derive strength from, a love that makes me happy whenever it crosses my mind. I want a love I don’t’ have to ever be ashamed of or embarrassed by. I want to fall in love with my best friend, so we know each other better than anyone else. I want to be able to look into his eyes and just sit there, in bliss, staring at one another. Together, we are unstoppable.

this right here is a nice soft yellow, not at all like the hard-edged orange I was expecting
It's suprisingly nice, though you'd be hard-pressed to find a replacement
i tell you that, i say, i'll tell you that

once again, i'm in the back row
hiding from my eyes
i can't escape the throbs of pain beating through my head
no one says goodbye
no one thinks to get me one too
i'm transparent
in thought, in appearance, in emotion
i'm alone half the time
and the saddest part is that its restful
i'm being pulled by that truth that won't manifest in my mind
you think you get it, but you really don't
its not okay how i feel
and your delayed reactions point more to broken machinery than distracted friends
i can't even begin to say where it all ends
but i know it starts here

i'm done with you
i'm done with your shorts
i'm done with your lies
i'm done with your puppy dog eyes
i'm done with your promises
i'm done with your broken promises
i'm done with your hugs
i'm done with your awkward moments
i'm done with your hipster-ness
i'm done with us
i'm done with our friendship
i'm done with trying to fix anything
i'm done with asking about you
i'm done with making an effort to avoid you
i'm done with trying to understand you
i'm done with you

I miss my friend. I miss talking to you and saying hi to you and hanging out with you. I knew this would happen. Everyone told me I was wrong but noooo. It happened. It's not an issue anymore, but I just have one less friend. I suppose that's okay. It's just saddening that I was so right and either you chose this or I chose this. I'm not gonna Nancy Drew it, but it's a thought.

I so desperately want to put your name here

it's actually painful to look at those photos. that's a different person, a girl I no longer know or recognize. that was the night everything COULD HAVE changed. but didn't. i'm going to regret this for a very, very long time. i regret a lot of things in my life. things i shouldn't have said, people i shouldn't have been mean to, etc. that night is one of those regrets. i regret not doing what i know i wanted to do. it all went downhill after that and i sealed my fate. unrequited love songs for the future. that should be the title of my biography. even though i don't write songs.

i miss thinking you cared, now i just feel pathetic when the thought crosses my mind. remember that night we watched the stars? i could have had you then, too. now i'm sitting alone, in my room, at 1AM wondering why you aren't mine. she's a lucky girl, i'm sure she knows that though.

when i close my eyes, it's you i see. when i take a step, it's you i'm walking towards. i know this is all intense and stuff, but it's the only thing i think about at all, so these things sort of develop. it's been what? 4-ish months? so it's not totally weird. when i look at us, i see a subjunctive relationship; a whole lot of could-have-beens and a handful of should-haves.

we aren't logan & veronica, we aren't ron & hermione, we aren't bill & sookie. we're us. i'm just another girl who's hopelessly in love with you and you've got a girlfriend. i can't even claim a TaySwift defense and say she's a horrible bitch who doesn't deserve you because, as far as i can see, she's really nice. good for you two. that just makes me feel like an even worse person for having these feelings because i can tell they make you uncomfortable, but i don't not want to spend time with you, i like hanging out, you're fun and funny and, i don't know…i like looking at your eyes when you're not noticing me. god i'm weird/sketchy.

this will be another saga i get to tell when i recount all the things that make my unrequited love curse true. i was hoping you'd be the prince charming (with the killer abs) to break the evil curse. but i guess i'm still stuck in a tower, asleep, and the thicket still stands.

just once, just this once, I thought things were going to end up differently. I thought I wasn't going to be a slave to my emotions, hopelessly trapped here until they subsided. I figured, hey, this one's actually attainable, everything MUST be okay. NO! Why am I fucked into an eternity of unrequited love? Why is this my hopeless future? FUCK FUCK FUCK

there are things colors cannot contain
a single flower does not hold the yellow that dots the edges of your eyes.
joy is an emotion; you are an experience.
words miss, colors miss, pictures miss
the feel of your hug
the smell of your jacket
the somersaults in my chest.
there are things in our world
that defy description
that cannot be captured by art
that must be experienced to be explained.
and even then, there are cracks in the descriptions.
you defy explanation
you defy description
the feelings your smile gives me defy logic itself.
yet it is all there
it is all very real
it is all worthwhile

there's just so much going on in my head right now. and i'm feeling so many things, i can't pick one out.
I'm jealous
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm lonely
I'm bitter
I'm happy
I'm frustrated
I'm stressed
I'm overwhelmed
and all these things are combining and expressing themselves as nothing. a big black ball of nothing that occurs when you combine every color in the rainbow and every feeling i've ever had. i'm silently composing words that dont make it past the editors desk in my head
i'm working on making myself less dark and more yellow/orange/sunset
i'm trying to weed out morose and find/replace it with laughter
its not working

i want to crawl up onto the lifeguard tower
and build a home up there
and watch the tides change
and watch the beach go
and watch the sun rise
and watch the moon set
and remember everything we did
we said
because that was the last time it was all good
and it went downhill from there
i was the activation energy
i was the catalyst
i was the BOOM
that screwed everything over
but mostly the what-if
that keeps ticking in my ears
and playing on loop in my dreams
and screaming at me whenever i close my eyes
and it'd never work now
but it's oh-so-nice to think
what-if?
i was okay
i was good enough
i was wanted by you
then everything would be just like that lifeguard tower
and you'd give me your hand and help me off
and then the credits would roll
and the songs would play
and then i'd wake up.

ba-boom
ba-boom
then death

it hurts so much to not be at the top of the list
to not be as prized as the next one
to have this feeling in my stomach and know its going nowhere
to have these images of the could-have-been swimming through my head
to go to sleep at night and wonder why i'm not there
I just want to be okay. Why is that such a hard task?
Why is okay a task at all?
Shouldn't okay be the worst possible?
Shouldn't I want to be GREAT? Not okay?
To hold myself and know nothing's going to get better
To know that first high can never be reached again
and everything else after that is a waste of money
waste of time
and feeding an addiction
that I don't want to kick
you're the worst habit i've ever had
but darlin, you're the best

i'm grasping at straws and trying to figure out what makes me
not nearly as good as her.
I try so hard, so hard. I smile when I'm supposed to, laugh at just the right level.
Wear my cutest clothes, say the right things, act normal.
I'm working my ass off to get noticed, to get appreciated, to be liked.
But all I'm getting is bad feelings when I can't fall asleep
Tears in my eyes when I least expect it
Lies about why I can't focus
And an urge to just hide away till it goes away.
This doesnt make sense, this grasping at straws
I want to know what to do, how to proceed, how to live normally!
How to not fret over every punctuation mark, capitalization and word that is sent either way
How to not think of your face whenever I close my eyes
How to breathe, just...breathe, calmly, and without hesitation

this cannot get any worse.
don't tell me this is less-than.
when its all i see, all i hear, all i think, all i smell
every molecule of my being is engulfed in this.
and you're telling me no?
i can't get worse. that's supposed
to be reassuring, "it can only get better/look on the bright side"
it can only get better, but when? what bright side?
yes i'm still alive
yes i've got my limbs and fingers and face
but when this is the only problem in my life
why can't i fixate with a microscope?
fuck your rationalizations
fuck getting better
this is all i am and all i have been for a while now
you're too tra-la-la to see that
how the hell is that my fault?

after a while we forget the little things.
the girls name you sat next to in elementary school
your 7th grade math teacher's hair color
i've got to wait for the forgetting to start
for the holes to patch themselves
i've got to get ready to stand still
and forget it all
let it all fade away
sweat it out
will being busy make it go that much faster?
or will the thoughts make being busy that much harder?
the more you shove in your brain the more you forget
so learn about china, knitting and the geography of Azerbaijan
and forget your smell, forget your laugh, forget your smile
when you say it's easy, do you mean in retrospect or in the now?
because right now it's the hardest thing in the world

love
l
o
v
e
why does it suck so hard when you're on the outside looking in?
why does it suck so hard when the guy you want it with has it with someone else?
why do i care so much about it?
why does my life suck so hard because of it?
WHAT THE FUCK!??!

this shouldn't be tedious. i shouldn't want to run away right now. i shouldn't want to quit and give up.
aren't these supposed to be the days i remember? the ones i look back on fondly?
not the ones where i'm distant, cold, bitchy and upset.
not the ones where i'm crying in bathrooms and rehashing old problems.
why couldn't there be warning or help?
cockroaches aren't supposed to walk on two legs
yet here they are singing and dancing
and ruining my days.
hug me kiss me look at me, i won't notice, i won't want it
i'll push you away, i know it
i'm trying to push away this pit in my stomach but i don't care
i like it
i'm sorry if i'm invisible to you, i'll try harder next time to make you see me
i sort of want to care, but if you aren't then neither am i. cattle call, right?
so i'm just another piece of meat you can eat.
go get a heart, yours died a long time ago

it's not even funny or okay how i'm feeling right now. i don't give a flying fuck that i'm having a pity party, let it be the biggest party of the year for all i care. it's not even about the guy anymore, it's about the fact that I THOUGHT THIS WAS DONE. OVER WITH. KAPUT. I do not want to discover that this is a whole new year of the same old shit. Are you really THAT caught up in your crap that you can't look around and notice other people? What? Are you allergic to nice? Is that it? I don't want to hear your crap or look at your face. I just want to scream at you

I can't get you out of my head
I can't get your hug off my skin
I can't get your smile out of my eyes
I can't get your laugh out of my ears
I can't get your smell out of my nose
and I don't want to
Not one bit
Not at all
What do I want?
I want you to see me, smile, hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay.

this is all so terrifying because it's so new. if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be nearly this unnerved. and it's happening so fast too! just two days ago i was in one place and now, here I am! This is RIDICULOUS! this is all just so...GAH! my stomach is tingling and i can't stop smiling and giggling and i feel like such a dumb ass. Like, for serious, what the fuck?!? I don't know what else to say. It all makes sense, as scary as it is.

I just want to be able to breathe. I want to go through one whole day where my breath doesn't hitch in my throat or I have to stop and take 3 deep breaths before I can move on.
I want to not stop myself from crying, simply because I haven't cried at all.
I want to smile and mean it, not just smile to make everyone else go away.
I want to say that I'm fine and not use it as emotional cover-up
I want to be okay
is that too much to ask?

I feel so wretched. I'm just hoarding all these things inside and I want to tell her SO. BAD. but I can't. Because if I do then I broke Girl Code, and Girl Code is VERY specific. I'm screwed. I can see everything happening, and I'm on the sidelines, saying nothing. It sucks wondering if thats true and wondering if I can change it without losing a friend. I've held this for too long for it to not do damage (DAMN YOU PAST SELF!). So basically I've dug myself into a disgusting hole and now I'm fucked. Lovely!

Does this even make sense?

Real friends are the ones who care even when you don't
Real friends are the ones who hug you when you push them away
Real friends are the ones who want to reach out despite your protestations

I try to be a real friend and sometimes it hurts
Sometimes you push back so hard you hurt us both
I'm always here, no matter what

You pushed too hard and we both got stung, but I'm still here
I'm still caring about you, I'm not giving up
I'm not giving up until theres nothing left to give up

oh also I think I maybe, MIGHT have a crush on the guy my best friend really, really likes and has forbade me to see.
okay thanks bye!

i miss the days when the biggest problems on my mind were the heart on my wrist. or even what uniform skirt to wear that day. the simplicity of it all is offensive to my current predicament. i can't believe i'm going to be a junior. i got more college mail today, but it was a big envelope so my mom and i pretended it was an acceptance letter. i like to think it was just me, putting off the inevitable. i hope.

once in a while i just get really, really sad. I feel guilty for being a huge mega uber bitch. I'm sad because summer's almost over. I'm really sad because of all the things i said tonight and how epically true i know them to be. I'm also sad because the one person who would listen to me, no judgement, just got shut out of my life...by me. it was the right thing to do, right? does my pride mean more than a friendship, no matter how damaged?

Mr & Mrs Noah Hershman

Tonight I went to my godsister Rachael’s wedding and I just want to say, wow. The love I saw between these two people made me hopeful for a relationship just like theirs. When Rachael walked down the aisle, I looked only at Noah and the love I saw in his eyes and even in the way he was standing took my breath away. It was as if every moment of their lives was leading up to this day. Rachael looked stunning and everyone could see it. These are two beautiful people, inside and out, becoming one soul. In my opinion, they’ve been one person for some time now, they just needed to make it official. The understanding between the two, the clear love they have for one another and the way they just work together. It was plain to see, these two are meant to be. (THAT RHYMED!!) So here’s to you, Rachael and Noah Hershman. May you be happy for the rest of your lives (and then some!).
Love,
Phoebe

I'm in a funk, and there are two people I want to talk to about it.
One of them I can't trust, and I learned that the hard way.
The other person...I can't talk to because I don't want to trust them.
I feel like never leaving my bed is the answer and just holing up in my room will make everything go away.
Why?
Because you don't get it, you don't care and lying just makes you look like a douche.
Because my stomach is heavy, my throat is tight and my jeans don't fit anymore.
Because when I see me, I see gray

It hurts to admit that he was right
It hurts to admit that I was wrong
The color is sucked out of my life through a little tube
that goes into everyone else.
My life is gray and picket fences and swivel chairs
and fluorescent lights and no soul and froyo.
My life is boring
My life is extremely boring
My life is one pair of jeans and a whole lot of t-shirts
My life is one pair of sneakers
My life is a beach no one uses.
It's nothing but broken showers and absent mothers
Depressed dogs and fruit flies.
My life is really, really boring.

Sometimes I have these visions of what my life could/should be in 15 years, but I never know what the in-between steps are, you know? I just want to skip all the middle, and be happy. Is that so hard?

There's a legitimacy to who he is. There's no bullshit or fake; just him, for real, right there. Also, it's not like he's plastic or untouchable, suddenly he's real. He's an actual person. A person who's pretty damn awesome. It's weird...really weird... It's not the characters or the director or the humanitarian, it's the person, in an awesome baseball cap and who's talking about stuff I find interesting too! Damn you age difference....

Rant

Everytime I sell someone a pack of cigarettes, I just want to hand it to them and say, "would you like a reciept? no? how about some lung cancer?" I see moms come in there with little kids, buy the kids gum, tell them to go somewhere else in the store and buy cigarettes then hide them in their purse! It's horrible! I don't want those kids exposed to second hand smoke! It kill just as much as smoking a cigarette does. I'm livid about this whole thing. And then there's the kids that come in that are barely 18 (i card, no worries) looking to buy cigs. I'm just like, are you kidding me!??! You're already addicted!?!? Who the fuck has been buying you cigarettes until now?? You're 18 and already you're on the path to DEATH. Its disgusting. What? You don't want to go to war but you'll die a much more painful death here? Fuck you! You do have something to lose, YOUR LIFE! It's not sexy or alluring or anything like that. It's disgusting and revolting. You smell bad, you look like a suicidal MORON and you waste a shit ton of money on them. I want to smack you upside the head everytime you light up, seriously! If I could, I would smack every single smoker upside the head every time they lit a cigarette. GOD DAMNIT! If there's one thing you DONT want to fuck with me about, it's smoking. Mkay? Mkay.

God! I cannot believe all this! I changed it because of the meanness that was coming out of it. I hated that I could never trust what I read to be nice or just sarcasm. I hated that nothing was ever really nice, except for the occasional friend. It made me sick when I realized that this all, my entire heart, emotions and thought process/thoughts were on display for everyone I didn't like to see. So I made a bank vault and shoved everything inside. None of this makes sense. I should go to sleep. Fragglerock....sleeeeeeeeeppppppppppppp
blah

The colors are daring me to understand them
and I'm being beaten down by the mundanity
of the average day and
the 9-5 shotgun held to my head.
the audacity of the stupidity of the people in the world makes me want to
scream until the gun goes boom
the lights go black
the crowd erupts
and the oscar goes to the one with the clear skin
long legs
flat stomach
shiny hair
white teeth.
I'm trying but i'm floating away
Higher and higher
Up and up
Till the gun goes boom

Thoughts of you make my stomach itch
I don't want to be a big bad but I don't want to give in
I hate having to feel icky for being true to myself
I want to cry for everything I've put you through
Everything I've put you through in vain
I miss you
But I don't want to go back
I can only move forward
In a new direction
You will not be forgotten
You will not be lost
You will just be past

my eyelashes are wet with thoughts of red
thoughts of correct
thoughts of sand between my toes.
my pillow is wet with tears
my mind is filled with screams and shadows
the corners are covered in soft with holes
the water is dirty and wrong
i dont feel right
i dont want to move on
i dont want to care
i dont care
i dont want to forget

it's as if nothing will ever be good
like nothing will be happy again
like i'm not the best i can be
like i'm not good enough
like everything is cold and dark and black
and the light bits get smaller and smaller
and then the black punches me in the stomach
and i just curl up and cry
and nothing is okay
and it's all bad
the threads are loose
the scissors are broken
the books have no words
the lights dont turn on
and i'm in the middle of it all

some clouds are purple
and some clouds cry tears of death and destruction down upon the earth
and try as you may to twist your head sideways, the cotton balls in the sky won't change.
the sky reigns.
and so all the wise men in the world gathered up all the love and turned it into a great woven tapestry to cover the earth from the tears of the clouds.
but there were holes in the blanket
and there will always be holes in the blanket
because love is not real
and love is not withstanding
and love is not lasting
and love is a falsehood that will not protect us

my youth and my childhood, locked into submission by metal clasps
drowning like a witch, my hands tied with lace and leather.
my palms get sweaty and screams are found by little girls in rain boots
your smiles lie to me and make me weep
the trees grow tall and fill with sorrow
filmy blue gauze envelopes the searing pain and yellow words make it feel
alright, okay, just fine
hindsight is an afterthought and
billowy dresses cover the truth
la verdad
the only thing i really want right now

NO! NO NO NO NO NO! You can't say that because you don't mean it! I hate it when you do that! You can't say things like that then go and do what you did! Because now, I cry out of hurt and sadness, not happiness from those words. I trusted you! I trusted you with my deepest secrets and I can't know what you sold for appreciation or status or whatever the hell you did with them. I don't know why you would do that. I can't fathom why anyone would do that to anyone. Maybe I am over reacting, but regardless, you betrayed a deep trust I put in you. It's been a while, but it still hurts to think about that betrayal. I have one rule: honesty. You broke that and now I have to live knowing that you have my deepest secrets and they aren't safe. What do you propose I do with that knowledge? Hmm? Share it with you? Because that's SUCH A GREAT IDEA. I miss my friend. That's what's worst, for me. Is that I lost a friend and confidante. Maybe ignorance really is bliss, because then...then I would still have a friend and confidante. I miss you, but you ruined our friendship when you betrayed it.

i’m empty like those promises you made
i’m broken like a glass of champagne after a long night
i just want to cry but then you win.

it’s not black and white anymore, there’s nasty grey bits that we have to deal with
is that so hard? is it wrong? painful? disgusting?
it’s called being an adult. welcome to the club…

i wish i could go back and just not
because then you wouldn’t have to do this again
and again
and those promises wouldn’t be made
and those promises wouldn’t be empty
and those promises wouldn’t be broken

and I wouldn’t be broken by it all

tanned skin that shines like
lacquered nails that type on
tiny phones that sent messages
that tear you down.
I hope you're happy with the things you do and the life you lead
I pray that you enjoy every moment that you spend making everyone else's lives hell
Good for you
Congratulations
You have the power.
Now tell me, how does it feel?

Airplanes

I love airplanes. I love the sound they make when they take off. I love the sound they make when you're in the air. I love how you feel like you're in a racecar when you take off. I love that you're on your way to some other place when you're on a plane. I love that it's so loud in-flight that you can't think. I love the places they take you. Places that hold adventure, solace, relaxation.

It's funny
It makes me giddy because I don't understand it either
It just sits there like eggs that you don't want but made anyway.
It's like life.
Life is just there, it just is. You can't explain it and it's useless to try
Stick your hand out the window, feel the breeze, smile alot
and keep to yourself what belongs to yourself

the words hit the page and splash
they melt down the sides
sprinting through the margins towards oblivion
they scream their message till they cant make any sounds at all
the sky is cracked, they scream
the sky is cracked, the sky is going to tremble, they shout
they can be heard but they are not listened to
their colors mean nothing
they swirl together like tastes
so much better than vanilla ice cream
their colors mingle and make small talk until they have a conversation
striping, taping, polka-dotting it all
left and right
metallic smells fill the pages
the sky is cracked, they scream
the sky is cracked, the sky is going to tremble, they shout
i'm listening, i'm looking, i'm here
but no one else is

like a spider on the edge
sending out threads to make a connection
swing and a miss
trying to find a click, a fit, an ending to the day
the sun sets but we don't
the sky turns to black and so do we
nothing follows order except the rules themselves
trying to swing ourselves up onto the branches of a tree we know we can't climb
screaming at someone else in an argument we know we can't win
swiping a credit card we know won't go through
tumbling through space
breaking the reset button
making up new words and hypothesizing about that shiny box in the corner
mom's making pancakes but we're not home yet
we're too busy trying to find the keys
or trying to find the street
or remembering our names
good morning
good night
good evening
good afternoon
have 'em all and while you're at it, super size it please.

My life is:
sand and inconsistencies
shame and broken soles
aches and mascara
angst and white
doldrums and lights
lies and snow
living and flowers
but please sir, not all at once

I miss Sky so much. Alicia just showed me the negatives of a photoshoot we did and I miss her and Zee so much. I can't believe she's gone for two weeks! That's forever! And I can't talk to her or hug her or laugh with her! I'm sad!

Musing

I don't even know what to say at this point. Everything seemed fine but I guess it wasn't so? Normal on the outside but empty and broken on the inside. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's not us but it's the pain that isn't being expressed. The repression of the pain and love that are fighting for dominance inside of him. To wake up one morning and realize that's gone is an unbearable thought. Tempting, but unbearable. You can't do that, can you? You can't just wake up on morning and stop loving someone. If you did, then maybe the love wasn't there to begin with? Or it wasn't real? I'm not sure what to do with these thoughts other than write them down here.