i always wanted to have one of those meaningful looks at someone across a room. perhaps an old lover or ex-friend. you see them in a crowded area and your eyes lock and that look is filled with regret and sorrow and some sort of closure and you're surrounded by people who don't give two fucks that this intense moment is going on. i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. i always wanted to have one of those but then i realized that no one has ever left my life that gives two fucks about me and would take the time and effort out of their day to look at someone, let alone me. isn't that great?

that scribbly little girl, with a stub of a pencil between her grubby fingers
gnawing at her thumbs to get an understanding of the smoke in her head
the shhhhhhh of the classroom is far too much for her
her hair falls limp, it's life long gone
her clothes are a little too loose, barely noticeable
she averts her gaze and lets her eyes meander to the window
she dreams of being a songbird
soft and delicate on the branch of a tree
adored by all, but from a safe distance
the world falls silent when she opens her mouth
and she can leave this all behind at the flap of her wings
the books slam and she is pulled back to chalk dust and rulers
her dream just a smear on her day, another thing she cannot receive
we've all got white ribbons in the back of our minds, drawers, closets
she is mine. remember, love, dedicate.

i'm pretty sure that today is the day i give thanks for those people and things in my life that keep me from jumping off the roof on a daily basis. the problem is, there are too many people and too many things they do for me to list them all here. i'd say it's jamie's smiles every morning, but there are too many mornings that her smiles warmed me better than a cup of hot chocolate. i could say it's zena's snuggliness, but depending on what sweater she's wearing and how much her hair eats me that particular day, the hugs vary. it could be schuyler's total understanding of everything that comes out of my mouth, sometimes before it even comes out, but the thing is, there are just too many things that she gets about me to list. do you see my dilemma? even marisa's calm, cool, collected manner when i'm off the wall can't be listed because i go off the wall good or bad. the thing here is, i love everybody who makes my life just a little bit better by being in it and to say that i'm thankful is such an understatement, it's almost insulting. i'm not thankful for them, i'm not grateful for them, i'm alive because of them. everyday i'm not doing so great, they bring me back to life. they lift me higher and allow me to be a better person. i literally cannot express in words the good that they put into my life. some say that religion is their guiding light, or their family. mine is my friend. my perpetual light in my life that makes me great, that keeps me sane and whole is the light that i see every day. the light that never flickers, never fades, never needs batteries. the best light in the whole world is the one i didn't even ask for. they say that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends, but i beg to differ. i didn't pick my friends. fate picked them and i couldn't get rid of them if i wanted to. they're like good horcruxes. like a part of me is in them (that sounds really sketchy) and i like to think that i've impacted their lives in some way or another. i love you all so much more than you could possibly know.
love,
Phoebe

i always feel so alone at this time of year. mostly because…well i actually have no idea why that is. and the ones who are supposed to care, sort of do, but not really. that's nice, i suppose. it's a funny thought, because i'm on the side, on the outside, on the inside and invisible all at the same time when certain people are around. its the strangest and most alienating position i've ever been in. there are times when i just feel so alone and there's nothing i can do about it. it's just something that rattles me to my core, and i can't shake this feeling that there's no one here that really cares or really wants to help. i can't escape these emotions or poisonous thoughts, they just creep up on me when i'm alone.

do you remember the days when seeing you was the highlight of my week? i can recall every second of those days. I remember spending hours getting ready to see you, just for a bit. it was the most important thing on my agenda, ever. but now i look at how you're treating me now? just because i had feelings for you? i wish i could take back every moment i wanted you, every second i spend pining over you. why? because a guy with this little consideration for the emotions of others doesn't deserve it. you don't deserve shit.

best friend.
is that…something? anything? nothing? is that a dry riverbed to lay your troubles in and hope they flow like the hair down your back? can you push stone on stone and make it move? mountains have piled up around you and i'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for the time of day. i cannot help you if i'm alone in a room surrounded by your words and your problems. i would love to be there for you, but we're all soo busy. it's not just you.

my 300th post is dedicated to my dream

I believe that love truly conquers all. I want a love that exists from the moment I meet him. I don’t have to say I love him, because we both know we love one another. I want to be one part of a being made up of two people. He and I will be inseparable. We don’t need to talk to fill a silence. We know and anticipate one another’s reactions to things. We are happiest when simply holding one another, perhaps whilst staring at the stars. I want a love that defies all odds and expectations. I want a love that fills me up every moment of every day. I want a love I can derive strength from, a love that makes me happy whenever it crosses my mind. I want a love I don’t’ have to ever be ashamed of or embarrassed by. I want to fall in love with my best friend, so we know each other better than anyone else. I want to be able to look into his eyes and just sit there, in bliss, staring at one another. Together, we are unstoppable.

this right here is a nice soft yellow, not at all like the hard-edged orange I was expecting
It's suprisingly nice, though you'd be hard-pressed to find a replacement
i tell you that, i say, i'll tell you that

once again, i'm in the back row
hiding from my eyes
i can't escape the throbs of pain beating through my head
no one says goodbye
no one thinks to get me one too
i'm transparent
in thought, in appearance, in emotion
i'm alone half the time
and the saddest part is that its restful
i'm being pulled by that truth that won't manifest in my mind
you think you get it, but you really don't
its not okay how i feel
and your delayed reactions point more to broken machinery than distracted friends
i can't even begin to say where it all ends
but i know it starts here

i'm done with you
i'm done with your shorts
i'm done with your lies
i'm done with your puppy dog eyes
i'm done with your promises
i'm done with your broken promises
i'm done with your hugs
i'm done with your awkward moments
i'm done with your hipster-ness
i'm done with us
i'm done with our friendship
i'm done with trying to fix anything
i'm done with asking about you
i'm done with making an effort to avoid you
i'm done with trying to understand you
i'm done with you