"When we can no longer dream, we die" -Emma Goldman

Monday, June 29, 2009

Being Alive

Someone to hold you too close
Someone to hurt you too deep
Someone to sit in your chair
         To ruin your sleep

Someone to need you too much
Someone to know you too well
Someone to pull you up short
         To put you through hell

Someone you have to let in
Someone whose feelings you spare
Someone who, like it or not, will want you to share
 A little, A lot

Someone to crowd you with love
Someone to force you to care
Someone to make you come through
Who'll always be there, as frightened as you of
Being Alive

Somebody hold me too close
Somebody hurt me too deep
Somebody sit in my sleep
and ruin my sleep
and make me aware of
Being Alive

Somebody need me too much
Somebody know me too well
Somebody pull me pull me up short
and put me through hell
and give me support
Being Alive
make me alive
make confused
mock with praise
let me be used
vary my days
but alone
is alone
not alone

Somebody crowd me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody let me come through
I'll always be there, as frightened as you
to help us survive
Being Alive


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Weird 2.0

Okay, so you all read the weirdness that was me breaking down whilst reading Eclipse. Well it happened again, this time Joss Whedon style. I was watching Angel and Buffy is in LA. Well Angel gets exposed to the blood of this Morar demon, which is regenerative. Sooo, it regenerates HIM! He becomes human, no strings attached. So he and Buffy get all groiny and start a relationship again. YAY! Then Doyle gets a vision of the Morar demon coming back bigger and stronger. Angel, not wanting to wake Buffy, goes to fight it all by his lonesome mortal self. Well he's not TOTALLY getting his ass kicked but its not great. Then the demon starts going on about the end of days and how its coming. Angel kills it (again and correctly this time) then goes to see the Oracles about this. They tell him that he and Buffy will die together because of what the demon said. So he asks them to make him a vamp again. They can only do it by a temporal fold, which means that the last 24 hrs, the ones with him and Buffy rekindling their love, will never have happened and only he will remember them. When he tells Buffy that they only have one more minute together, she starts crying and saying "I'll never forget, I'll never forget". Well here's where my personal waterworld comes in. Gawd! I was SO SAD! This wasn't as weird as the Eclipse thing because I was watching it happen to people, not having to make an image in my head. But still, a breakdown over BUFFY AND ANGEL! He's wearing a crushed velvet shirt for christs sake! COME ON! I don't know why I find David Boreanaz SO HOT! He just is, but only as Angel. I can't watch Bones because the whole tortured soul angle is just so appealing. Well okay, NOW I'm actually going to bed. 

Summer On!
pb xoxo

effed up...?

Everyone has flaws, that's undeniable. For example: I can't cry in front of other people. I am ashamed of myself for being so vulnerable. I'm not afraid to talk about it afterwards (clearly), its just that my parents used to get mad @ me for crying when I was younger, so I would hide it. And now, I just don't like crying in front of other people. I will legit hide. Like in drama class. I had breakdowns quite frequently during that class (we all did, lets be honest) but other people would be up front about it. I would go and hide behind that curtain that covers the door to the dressing room in Intimate. Yeah, I would hide behind a curtain and cry. Or one class period, I crawled under the bleachers that were there for Uncommon Women and broke. down. Sobbing to the point that my lips and cheeks were numb after. I could hear ppl talking to their "judges" and even though I knew they weren't talking to me, everything they said brought on a new wave of sobs. It was so strange. 

Can anyone relate or am I just effed up...?
I'm exhausted and going to beddie bye. So night night.
peanut butter xoxo

p.s. I'm thinking of changing Copperboom for the summer. any suggestions?

Friday, June 26, 2009

A Coupla Things

1) Hulu is being a bitch. It isn't buffering everything so I have to pause stuff and wait for it to work then I can watch it. UGG

2) Pretty/Talented people: I'm not saying don't be pretty/talented because that's something you can't control. All I'm saying is don't rub it in our faces. Don't take your beauty and slap us with it. You know? 

3) Really, God? REALLY? You had to make people smart, nice, pretty AND talented? And, unattainable *cough* Taylor Lautner...

4) I'm really tired so if this post makes no sense whatsoever, become exhausted THEN read it, maybe then my wisdom will be upon you.

peanut butter xoxo

French Monkeys

It's like there's nothing wrong with the world. Like he never left, like she doesn't hate me and especially like people all over aren't struggling just to get through the day. I feel so happy and hopeful inside, and nothing can shake that. It's the strangest, best feeling I've ever had and it's so remarkable that it comes from a song. I have no idea why, but it's my security blanket. When I'm down, sad or feeling lonely first I blog about it then I put this song on. If you haven't already heard it, check out "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey or the Cast of Glee. 
peanut butter xoxo

Monday, June 22, 2009

Sunday, June 21, 2009


So I met the perfect guy today: Smart, funny, cute, football player....adorable. But I only got his first name and wasn't smart enough to get his last name. I feel so stupid...=(  It's like letting your soulmate get away. He was so sweet and supportive. I didn't get that awful knot in my stomach that I've gotten before with guys that I liked, but didn't really. I've only not gotten that knot once before, and that was with my other guy. 
I don't know what to do. 
Anyone have any ideas?

Saturday, June 20, 2009


Tortured souls are so tragic. I mean, I know that's the point, but it's true. Two great examples(ignore their diets and just look at the person): Edward Cullen (collective groan IGNORED) and Angel(from BtVS). Edward has waited a century for the woman of his dreams and when she finally comes along it's near impossible for him to not slaughter her. Not to mention that his just loving her and being around her causes her to be in constant danger (thank you Jasper...). Angel's soul is LITERALLY tortured. He didn't have it, then he had it and fell for Buffy. Then they did the nasty and he lost it again. Then he almost killed Buffy but Willow spoke in Romanian and saved his soul. Then he pretended to lose it but didn't. The thing is, I can see Angel's torture here. Imagine if one day, some gypsy farmer comes up to you and says, "You ate one of my cows so now you will feel the pain of every cow/pig/lamb you EVER ate". Okay, I will acknowledge that it's not a perfect metaphor but work with me here. It's tough. He can't help that he's a vamp. Blame Darla. And he needs to feed. Again, not his fault! 
Sorry if I lost you here. I'm just ranting...but if anyone sees my point, feel free to comment. I like comments on the blog. If there's anything anyone wants me to talk about, comment. Even if you don't like the blog, comment. I just like getting the little notification email that tells me that I have a comment! Haha...*awkward silence ensues*

peanut butter xoxo

Monday, June 15, 2009

I Wish...

That I had someone. Anyone. To talk to, preferably a man.... Someone who is so selfless that he will put my needs before his own, even when I don't want him to. Is that selfish? I want some one who is exactly like Jacob Black...but looks like Taylor Lautner...he's beautiful....
peanut butter xoxo              


The strangest thing happened the other night: 
I was reading Eclipse, which I've read before. Every time I read it, whenever Jake and Bella discuss their future, or lack there of, I tear up. This is mainly due to the fact that despite what Breaking Dawn said, I am vehemently Team Jacob. Anyway, it was at the part towards the end when Jacob is saying that in a world with no monsters or magic, he would be the perfect fit for Bella. I started to tear up as usual but then the strange occurred. I started to sob. So bad to the point that I had to close the book and just have a good cry. I have no idea what brought it on but for whatever reason, I just started to breakdown. It's strange to think about it because during the episode, I just kept crying. I don't know what I was crying about because I can assure you I was not crying about Eclipse. I'm a fan, just not that hardcore. I just felt so sad, like nothing was right and the entire world was backwards. I don't know...maybe everyone just needs a good cry once in a while. 
On another note: I like getting comments. If you are a reader, please comment. Let me know what you like, don't like, want to hear about, or just want to say.
Thanks for reading!
peanut butter xoxo

Thursday, June 11, 2009

2 Things

1) This is my 100th post! Hip Hip HOORAY!!!! Lol
2) Don't label or judge me because I like Twilight! I enjoy the story and I idolize the romance that Bella and Edward share. Does that make me a sap? Maybe. Does that mean that you should mock me for it? Absolutely not! I am sick and tired of people antagonizing me and making fun of me because I like Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn(sorta) and I re-read the books because I like them. BACK OFF!!!! Get a life and stop being a jerk! And have a nice day!
peanut butter xoxo

Sunday, June 7, 2009


I purposefully omit names from anything I write on this blog, even my own (although if you are reading this you probably know who I am) so if you read something, don't jump to conclusions and assume it's you. I love you, but it's probably not about you!
And, even if you delete a comment, I still get the notification email and the comment. I've been there: You write something, click "post" then realize it's really mean. So you hurriedly delete the comment and hope the recipient sees it as a glitch in the system. Unfortunately, I've set it up so I get a notification email with the comment itself in the message body. I get it anyway. Sorry! 
You know I love you anyway.
peanut butter xoxo

Saturday, June 6, 2009


Am I a sap for believing in love? Love, that one conquering force, that thing that makes people smile in the morning and want to do monotonous things just because they are in love. That was a long sentence... Am I a pessimist for thinking that maybe we only have one great love? And if that one shot is lost then we might as well captain the Titanic. If any of you need clarification: a great love is one that changes you. By the end of a great love, your bones have been shaken and you can feel a change in your core. Is it wrong to throw in the towel if that love has passed? And what if your love lives across the world and is betrothed to someone else? Or maybe we should all just be Charlotte York and say we all get two. I'll get back to you, the answer will come as I continue watching Sex and the City.
peanut butter xoxo

Thursday, June 4, 2009


So the other day, I had to wonder...what makes a crush? Is it the flippy floppy heart thing that happens when you see a guy? Or can you deem a misguided attempt at friendship a crush? And how do you know if you do, in fact, like a guy? This is where some genius company creates a device that tells you if you like a guy. And mood jewelry doesn't count! Is a crush one of those annoying things you have to figure out on your own? I will discover more and get back to you.
peanut butter xoxo