I miss my friend. I miss talking to you and saying hi to you and hanging out with you. I knew this would happen. Everyone told me I was wrong but noooo. It happened. It's not an issue anymore, but I just have one less friend. I suppose that's okay. It's just saddening that I was so right and either you chose this or I chose this. I'm not gonna Nancy Drew it, but it's a thought.

I so desperately want to put your name here

it's actually painful to look at those photos. that's a different person, a girl I no longer know or recognize. that was the night everything COULD HAVE changed. but didn't. i'm going to regret this for a very, very long time. i regret a lot of things in my life. things i shouldn't have said, people i shouldn't have been mean to, etc. that night is one of those regrets. i regret not doing what i know i wanted to do. it all went downhill after that and i sealed my fate. unrequited love songs for the future. that should be the title of my biography. even though i don't write songs.

i miss thinking you cared, now i just feel pathetic when the thought crosses my mind. remember that night we watched the stars? i could have had you then, too. now i'm sitting alone, in my room, at 1AM wondering why you aren't mine. she's a lucky girl, i'm sure she knows that though.

when i close my eyes, it's you i see. when i take a step, it's you i'm walking towards. i know this is all intense and stuff, but it's the only thing i think about at all, so these things sort of develop. it's been what? 4-ish months? so it's not totally weird. when i look at us, i see a subjunctive relationship; a whole lot of could-have-beens and a handful of should-haves.

we aren't logan & veronica, we aren't ron & hermione, we aren't bill & sookie. we're us. i'm just another girl who's hopelessly in love with you and you've got a girlfriend. i can't even claim a TaySwift defense and say she's a horrible bitch who doesn't deserve you because, as far as i can see, she's really nice. good for you two. that just makes me feel like an even worse person for having these feelings because i can tell they make you uncomfortable, but i don't not want to spend time with you, i like hanging out, you're fun and funny and, i don't know…i like looking at your eyes when you're not noticing me. god i'm weird/sketchy.

this will be another saga i get to tell when i recount all the things that make my unrequited love curse true. i was hoping you'd be the prince charming (with the killer abs) to break the evil curse. but i guess i'm still stuck in a tower, asleep, and the thicket still stands.

just once, just this once, I thought things were going to end up differently. I thought I wasn't going to be a slave to my emotions, hopelessly trapped here until they subsided. I figured, hey, this one's actually attainable, everything MUST be okay. NO! Why am I fucked into an eternity of unrequited love? Why is this my hopeless future? FUCK FUCK FUCK

there are things colors cannot contain
a single flower does not hold the yellow that dots the edges of your eyes.
joy is an emotion; you are an experience.
words miss, colors miss, pictures miss
the feel of your hug
the smell of your jacket
the somersaults in my chest.
there are things in our world
that defy description
that cannot be captured by art
that must be experienced to be explained.
and even then, there are cracks in the descriptions.
you defy explanation
you defy description
the feelings your smile gives me defy logic itself.
yet it is all there
it is all very real
it is all worthwhile

there's just so much going on in my head right now. and i'm feeling so many things, i can't pick one out.
I'm jealous
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm lonely
I'm bitter
I'm happy
I'm frustrated
I'm stressed
I'm overwhelmed
and all these things are combining and expressing themselves as nothing. a big black ball of nothing that occurs when you combine every color in the rainbow and every feeling i've ever had. i'm silently composing words that dont make it past the editors desk in my head
i'm working on making myself less dark and more yellow/orange/sunset
i'm trying to weed out morose and find/replace it with laughter
its not working

i want to crawl up onto the lifeguard tower
and build a home up there
and watch the tides change
and watch the beach go
and watch the sun rise
and watch the moon set
and remember everything we did
we said
because that was the last time it was all good
and it went downhill from there
i was the activation energy
i was the catalyst
i was the BOOM
that screwed everything over
but mostly the what-if
that keeps ticking in my ears
and playing on loop in my dreams
and screaming at me whenever i close my eyes
and it'd never work now
but it's oh-so-nice to think
what-if?
i was okay
i was good enough
i was wanted by you
then everything would be just like that lifeguard tower
and you'd give me your hand and help me off
and then the credits would roll
and the songs would play
and then i'd wake up.

ba-boom
ba-boom
then death

it hurts so much to not be at the top of the list
to not be as prized as the next one
to have this feeling in my stomach and know its going nowhere
to have these images of the could-have-been swimming through my head
to go to sleep at night and wonder why i'm not there
I just want to be okay. Why is that such a hard task?
Why is okay a task at all?
Shouldn't okay be the worst possible?
Shouldn't I want to be GREAT? Not okay?
To hold myself and know nothing's going to get better
To know that first high can never be reached again
and everything else after that is a waste of money
waste of time
and feeding an addiction
that I don't want to kick
you're the worst habit i've ever had
but darlin, you're the best