I never really realized how bad it felt until now. It was just waiting for that recognition and then it sprung, hooking me with its sharp claws. Never letting go, never relenting, always there. Just...there. It hurts like nobody can ever imagine. It is something that I wish upon no one, ever, in any time. It is a hurt that is physical, mental and emotional. Your smile makes my side ache, your eyes keep me awake at night, your laugh takes the taste out of food. Your dimples make my legs hurt, your bad jokes give me headaches and your smell makes my knees hurt. And yet, despite all that, I would never ever want it to go away, because it is all you, all the time. And that is what I like the most, having some part of you around all the time.

You were the first one. The only one. 

You were the one that made me smile when I was down and could make me cry just by saying goodbye.

You said hello and my whole day got just a little bit better.

And now I cry and cry waiting for you to call but it's like you don't really want to change.

I wonder if you ever loved me at all.

Pedestal

surrounded by flowers in the shape of lies.

on top because of failure.

an iridescent glow that radiates shame.

a gown made of pushing and shoving, embroidered with hurt.

shoes that compliment her yearn for control.

make-up that makes her regret really pop.

note to self:

DONT EVER WATCH FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL WITH YOUR PARENTS.

EVER.

NO QUESTION

5 days to mexico! I'm so excited! So I really wanna watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall because all my friends say it's really funny. It's free on my On Demand, so that's a plus for me! Other things that are going in my favor:

There's a sale at Target on bathing suits and short shorts, both of which I need/want(what's the difference anyway? lol)

I'm watching the Flinstones and I'm trying to figure out why I ever watched it in the first place...

Oh well!

I'm gonna go get breakfast now, so have a good day!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

SPRING BREAK

SPRING BREAK IS FINALLY HERE BAYBAY!!! I am so superdy duperdy upset that my jenay will be in Italia/France, but i will be writing dutifully to her, everyday!

MEXICO= ATV/DIRTBIKING, JETSKI'ING & WATER SKIING!!!!! 

AWESOME ON A BOAT!!

(I'm on a boat...Boats n hoes...i had too!)

More tomorrow when making a coherent sentence doesn't cause me to want to pass out. Nighty night.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

I took my health test yesterday and guess what i got?? 94! =D Im so excited because it was my only test this week, so I am home free! Tomorrow at 1:57, I am outie!(I have free last!)

Two weeks of spring break is the best thing EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!!!!!!!

Watching NCIS, so who can really focus on anything while Dinozzo is cracking jokes?

If you don't know what I'm talking about, ch-ch-check it out!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

10 DAYS TO MEXICO! nO stress this week, just Drama Ensemble auditions and smooth sailing to Friday!!! CANT WAIT!!!!!!!! ACKKFJADKSLFJEIWARUSI!

I finished my short story, so stay tuned for that. I also have some poetry coming your way, but I will be sure to put it all up when I have time(aka FRIDAY AFTER SCHOOL!) And over spring break I will be rejected/accepted for Drama Ensemble via Letter, but I will most likely be in Mexico so that will be no prob. Mexico..ooohh Mexico. How do I say it nicely? I AM EFFING TERRIFIED OF THIS MEXICO TRIP! I put the heart back on my wrist so everyone can see it and I am flipping a shit over this drug war thingy and OMG i need a new bathing suit, pair of shorts and sunglasses like NOBODYS BIZNESS!!!!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

ELEVEN DAYS TO MEXICOOOO!!!!!!

And I officially love babies(im a total creeper, aren't I? Damnit! I knew it!!!)

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

Okay, so I'm not so stressed anymore, now I'm just anxious for auditions tomorrow. ack!

OMG

I have so much to do in so little time!!!

TO DO LIST:

Take-

Ancient Civ Test

Science Test

English Test

Spanish Test

Memorize-

"Think of Me" from Phantom

Juliet from Act III, Scene ii from Romeo and Juliet

A contemporary monologue

HW-

Spanish

Geometry

English

Drama

SEEEEE

SO MUCH

and i have a party saturday night! ACKK

ACKK! I have alot to do but my powers of procrastination are sucking me in!!! NOOO!!!

Othello

So who wants to hear my lines for the Othello scene in English??
I DO!!
here goes:

Iago: What, are you hurt Lieutenant?
(Cassio says something)
Iago: Marry, God forbid!
(Cassio says something)
Iago: As I am an honest man, I thought you had received some bodily wound. There is more sense in that than in reputation. Reputation is an idle and most false imposition, oft got without merit and lost without deserving. You have lost no reputation at all, unless you repute yourself such a loser. What, man! There are ways to win the general again! You are but now cast in his mood, a punishment more in policy than in malice, even as one would beat an offenseless dog to affright an imperious lion. Sue to him again and he's yours!
(Cassio says something)
Iago: What was he that you followed with your sword? What had he done to you?
Cassio: I know not!
Iago: Is't possible?
Cassio says something
Iago:Why, but you are now well enough. How came you thus recovered?
Cassio says something
Iago: Come, you are too severe a moraler. As the time, the place, and the condition of this country stands, I could heartily wish this had not befallen. But since it is as it is, mend it for your own good.
Cassio says some other stuff and the scene ends! =D

I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS! ACKKKKKKKKKITY ACK ACK!!!

And i'm going to see Grease tonight, so doubley awesome!

Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo
P.S. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY!!!!

YAY! The day of reckoning has arrived! St. Patrick's day! And the only green I'm wearing is concealed. On the one hand, I've gotten pinched alot. On the other hand, I've gotten to pinch alot of people who pinched be(because I'm actually wearing green!). I found my copy of The Well Of Lost Plots, 3rd book in Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series. So funny and awesome. I particularly like the idea of Ms. Havisham walking around wearing running shoes under her decrepit wedding dress. Haha! I can't really envision grammatisites though, I think it's the stripey suspenders and socks they are supposed to be wearing. On a different note: I actually REALLY like the Disney(I KNOW) show, Sonny With a Chance. It's funny and the jokes aren't all totally predictable and awful(like on Hannah Montana and the Suite Life series). Some, like the skort joke, are actually retell able and HILARIOUS!!!! =D I'm not so sick anymore but the make-up work is a biz-nitch. I think you all know what I mean. I'm rescheduling 3/4 tests and I have notes to get in Ancient Civ and notes to FIND in science. THEY AREN'T ON THE PORTAL!!!!!! Argh!!! Drama's not that bad because it's just journal assignments...then that PostSecret thingy.
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
My Faerie Godmother and I decided that on April 25th she is going to take me on a shopping spree for my birthday(April 12th, btw!)!!!! No holds barred and I am SO PUMPED!!
I've gotta go do SOME homework! 3 frees in one day gets really really boring!
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

So today marks my 3rd day of being home sick. It's not as bad as you would think, but the make-up work that I'll have to do will be the real problem. Argh. My parents don't like me watching t.v. when I am sick, so I'm reading Thursday Next. Her series is one that you just never ever get tired of. Gotta love Jasper Fforde for coming up with her! I'm gonna go memorize some Othello now.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

St. Patty's Day

Everyone else is making a big fuss out of it, so I suppose I should too. Also, I'm Irishish so it makes sense. I'm not quite sure what St. Patrick's day celebrates, other than drunken leprechauns singing, watching the Quiet Man and eating Colecannon...  I'm not hating on colecannon, it's quite good and very hearty, but I need a reason to be wearing green. Christmas celebrates Jesus' birthday. IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY. But what do I say at St. Patrick's day? Hi, nice to meet you, here's beer, LETS GET PLASTERED! I don't drink, but I'm just saying. Also, why do people always assume that the Irish are red-headed. HelloOOO??! I'm Irish and I ain't no ginger! I'm actually a natural blonde, SUCK IT JENNA MARONEY!!!!! Again, just saying. I wish I could have grown up in the 50's...a much simpler time where living in the suburbs and being Irish was what everyone did. Or Italian. But everyone had a religion and everyone was polite(except James Dean, but look at what happened to HIM!). Being a housewife was expected, not frowned upon as it is today. A homemaker was the ultimate wife, and so what if that's what I want to be?? I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this post, so I'm gonna go take aLOT of Nyquil and I'll talk to you all later. 

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

p.s. Don't ever get a bronchial infection, THEY SUCK AND NEVER EVER GO AWAY!!

I CANT GO TO THE FASHION SHOW BECAUSE I HAVE A STUPID STUPID BRONCHIAL INFECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ACKK

I SO WANT TO GO I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm home sick

blech

I hate being sick...but I do love Disneyland

That was random, but I went to Disneyland in my dream last night. Yeah...

I needed to say that.

OMG I JUST HEARD THE BELL

OMFG

Oh well

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

omigod

omigod

omigod

my father just made the most disgusting and revolting thing for dinner.

turkey meatloaf with a layer of mac N cheese topped with strips of bacon.

MY ARTERIES EXPLODED AT THE DESCRIPTION

i am literally DYING HERE

and my throat hurts, so thats not a plus =(

ug

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

AUGUST 7TH

THE BROTHERS JONAI

STAPLES CENTER

ACKKKKKKK

FREAKING OUTTTTTTTT

MUSSTTTT GOOOOO

The Bane of my Existance

May 22nd. Staples Center. Taylor Swift
I CAN'T GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ACKKKKKKK
the tickets sold out online in 2 minutes
I die....=(

am i...

AM I DREAMING? If so, DONT PINCH ME OR MAKE ANY ATTEMPT TO WAKE ME UP!!!!

Britney Spears is following me on Twitter...OMFG!!!!!

This is SOOOO COOOOLLLLL =D=D=D=D=D

I suddenly feel very, very substantial!

I am SUPER AWESOME GIRL

My super powers include(but aren't limited to): Invisibility, Super Strength and Flying

I turn in to SUPER AWESOME GIRL when I feel super awesome. It's kinda redundant for me to say that...but whatevs! 

ackkkk

I gotta go do my Geometry homework, ahh the joy of Triangles, sine and cosine!

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

changes, changes

new colors.

thats all

Read Scoop! by Hannah Dennison, but only after you've read A Vicky Hill Exclusive! also by Hannah Dennison. She's pretty much AWESOME, and British, which makes her AWESOME*said in a british accent*

L=

St. Patty's day is coming up and my sort-of Irishness is making me very proud right about now!

I found a shirt on Cafe Press that says "Kiss me, I'm Irishish." I'd wear that to school with the kelly green & white knee socks from AmApp, a.k.a. the best costume resource EVAH, lol.

I should be tired but I never am this late.

I'm listening to Taylor Swift right now. I am SO bummed that her concert at Staples Center sold out in 2 min!!! May 22nd I will be standing in my backyard with my Vestalife ladybug iPod player full blast PRETENDING that I'm actually listening to her play. Lol

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

It's the stares, mostly.

Everyone has faults, I'm not going to deny that. But it's just..really?

I wear deodorant and I shower everyday, so I can't smell bad...

Maybe my laugh is too weird? I don't know

I try, and my dad says to me(every morning) "be your best" and it's written above the door to our garage so we see it before we leave the house everyday. I really do try.

So whose fault is it?

They say they get it, but I'm in a desert....again.

Should I not be warm? Would it make a difference if my genes were different?

We'll have to wait and see, then they can SUCK IT!

that was mean, but needed to be said.

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

not tired

Amp was cool

The end with DJ Swine Forkbeard was the BESTTT

haha

I'm watching Weeds, it's funny. and good

Im really NOT tired, and I should be...

I really wanna see Watchmen

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

OMG

AMP

TONIGHT

SO EXCITED!!!!!!

=D

I hate not being able to tell anyone

I hate being told I'm wrong, or being laughed at

I hate the stares when they know

I hate being told I'm paranoid because I'm not! It has already happened and I am trapped.

I hate that I'm right and that they all know

I hate not knowing

I hate knowing that they know

I always ask myself if I did the right thing, and everyday I have to see my answer.

every fucking day

and what am I supposed to do?

Leave?

no

fucking

way

This is a short story I've been working on. Here' part 1!

The girl started crying as she passed the open coffin. Her father, holding back tears, put his arm around her shoulder and somberly ushered her away. They stood together for the rest of the afternoon, quietly accepting the half-hearted "I'm sorry"s and "Just call if you need anything"s. After the reception, when the store-bought, crappy cookies and lemonade were all gone, they then proceeded to clean-up and started walking home. When she got to her room she removed the black woolen tights her mother gave her and pulled out her hastily written script for the eulogy she gave. The ink started to run as her tears spilt onto the page. This silent moment was all she did the rest of the day to mourn her mother's passing. At the same time, her father sat on his empty bed, fiddling with his wedding ring and cursing her name under his breath. "Oh god, Jenny, come back damnit!"

So I did some minor updates, just fiddling. Have you seen how much you can change?? ITS RIDIC!!!
AMP.
SATURDAY
6:30-10:30
BE THERE
NO QUESTION
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

i just tripped...going UP the stairs
FML

OMG

OMG

OMG

She says shes PROUD of me??? SHE WAS THE ONE MAKING ME CRY!!!!!!!!

JUH-EEZUS!!!! Seriously?? Is this actually happening? I feel like this would be happening to a girl in a trashy telanovela, but me??

omG

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

So when I was younger, I realized that when I gave my friends things, or invited them to concerts with me, that they would like me more, even for a little bit. This gave me the idea that friends only like you when you give them something, and although I'm being used(and I know it) I don't care because I have a friend.

Even for a little while...

Losing something, anything, is like losing a part of yourself. A small, kiss-sized part of yourself. It just flies off like the birds migrate in the winter. And trying to regain it is pointless because that piece is a living being and once it has left you it has died. Putting a dead thing back together is redundant and a waste of time. 

I feel these lies falling from my lips and I try to stop them but they are so heavy with the weight of hours spent on the phone talking about our favorite lip gloss. Heavy from my guilt and all of the food we consumed while watching bad t.v. It saddens me, but it is dead.

So why even try?

I feel really...blank

Like I should be feeling happy, or sad, or hungry

but i feel hollow. I don't laugh alot. I mean, genuinely laugh. I will through out a fake laugh here and there but not really. All I see is him. And it physically hurts me. I have headaches constantly and my knees hurt alot(probably unrelated, but lets just pretend that it isn't). I also feel bad, because I feel like a stupid puppy dog or stalker(those two aren't really related are they?) who just keeps going no matter what. I feel like a friggin' Energizer Bunny here! But I don't really want a commitment right now, or have time for one. So here I am with a SUPER dilemma 

ARGH-ON-A-STICK!!!!!!

...is it just me or do all my posts manage to mention "him"?

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo

So I'm going to Mexico for spring break and i am like...SUPER EXCITED

SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER EXCITED!!!!!!!

u get the drift, right?

So I'm searching the web for the PERFECT plane/arrival outfit and then, I see it! The pair of khaki shorts i MUST MUST MUST have! I am envisioning myself in them upon arrival, around the city, every morning/evening at breakfast/dinner in these shorts! Then I see the price and I want to SHOOT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seventy-five EFFING dollars...really?

REALLY?????

What am I supposed to do now? Just let my dream shorts disappear completely??

ug

Copperboom!

peanut butter xoxo