i'm grasping at straws and trying to figure out what makes me
not nearly as good as her.
I try so hard, so hard. I smile when I'm supposed to, laugh at just the right level.
Wear my cutest clothes, say the right things, act normal.
I'm working my ass off to get noticed, to get appreciated, to be liked.
But all I'm getting is bad feelings when I can't fall asleep
Tears in my eyes when I least expect it
Lies about why I can't focus
And an urge to just hide away till it goes away.
This doesnt make sense, this grasping at straws
I want to know what to do, how to proceed, how to live normally!
How to not fret over every punctuation mark, capitalization and word that is sent either way
How to not think of your face whenever I close my eyes
How to breathe, just...breathe, calmly, and without hesitation

this cannot get any worse.
don't tell me this is less-than.
when its all i see, all i hear, all i think, all i smell
every molecule of my being is engulfed in this.
and you're telling me no?
i can't get worse. that's supposed
to be reassuring, "it can only get better/look on the bright side"
it can only get better, but when? what bright side?
yes i'm still alive
yes i've got my limbs and fingers and face
but when this is the only problem in my life
why can't i fixate with a microscope?
fuck your rationalizations
fuck getting better
this is all i am and all i have been for a while now
you're too tra-la-la to see that
how the hell is that my fault?

after a while we forget the little things.
the girls name you sat next to in elementary school
your 7th grade math teacher's hair color
i've got to wait for the forgetting to start
for the holes to patch themselves
i've got to get ready to stand still
and forget it all
let it all fade away
sweat it out
will being busy make it go that much faster?
or will the thoughts make being busy that much harder?
the more you shove in your brain the more you forget
so learn about china, knitting and the geography of Azerbaijan
and forget your smell, forget your laugh, forget your smile
when you say it's easy, do you mean in retrospect or in the now?
because right now it's the hardest thing in the world

love
l
o
v
e
why does it suck so hard when you're on the outside looking in?
why does it suck so hard when the guy you want it with has it with someone else?
why do i care so much about it?
why does my life suck so hard because of it?
WHAT THE FUCK!??!

this shouldn't be tedious. i shouldn't want to run away right now. i shouldn't want to quit and give up.
aren't these supposed to be the days i remember? the ones i look back on fondly?
not the ones where i'm distant, cold, bitchy and upset.
not the ones where i'm crying in bathrooms and rehashing old problems.
why couldn't there be warning or help?
cockroaches aren't supposed to walk on two legs
yet here they are singing and dancing
and ruining my days.
hug me kiss me look at me, i won't notice, i won't want it
i'll push you away, i know it
i'm trying to push away this pit in my stomach but i don't care
i like it
i'm sorry if i'm invisible to you, i'll try harder next time to make you see me
i sort of want to care, but if you aren't then neither am i. cattle call, right?
so i'm just another piece of meat you can eat.
go get a heart, yours died a long time ago

it's not even funny or okay how i'm feeling right now. i don't give a flying fuck that i'm having a pity party, let it be the biggest party of the year for all i care. it's not even about the guy anymore, it's about the fact that I THOUGHT THIS WAS DONE. OVER WITH. KAPUT. I do not want to discover that this is a whole new year of the same old shit. Are you really THAT caught up in your crap that you can't look around and notice other people? What? Are you allergic to nice? Is that it? I don't want to hear your crap or look at your face. I just want to scream at you

I can't get you out of my head
I can't get your hug off my skin
I can't get your smile out of my eyes
I can't get your laugh out of my ears
I can't get your smell out of my nose
and I don't want to
Not one bit
Not at all
What do I want?
I want you to see me, smile, hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay.

this is all so terrifying because it's so new. if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be nearly this unnerved. and it's happening so fast too! just two days ago i was in one place and now, here I am! This is RIDICULOUS! this is all just so...GAH! my stomach is tingling and i can't stop smiling and giggling and i feel like such a dumb ass. Like, for serious, what the fuck?!? I don't know what else to say. It all makes sense, as scary as it is.

I just want to be able to breathe. I want to go through one whole day where my breath doesn't hitch in my throat or I have to stop and take 3 deep breaths before I can move on.
I want to not stop myself from crying, simply because I haven't cried at all.
I want to smile and mean it, not just smile to make everyone else go away.
I want to say that I'm fine and not use it as emotional cover-up
I want to be okay
is that too much to ask?