if there's any free space or time in my life, its filled with you
your stupid eyes
your dumb honesty
your dumb laugh
your stupid smile
the dumb way you make me feel, just by saying hi
dumb dumb dumb
all of it
and the worst part is that i can't find any word to describe you
not even amazing covers it
you're never gone, not really, not truly

you're like an infectious disease
you creep up on me with those eyes, that hair and omigod your abs
you look so sweet, you smell so sweet, you act so sweet
and you make me feel like this
but i am tantalus, forever watching and reaching for you
and you pull away, ensuring my pain
fuck you.

okay, i actually hated that. what i meant to say was

i was sitting in the dark and only looking at one thing
one year ago i was in a very different place, yet quite exactly the same place
i thought differently, i sat differently
we walked, it was nice
i thought i wasn't alone
i thought maybe things were going to turn out differently
i was deluding myself
looking back on the innocent and naive moron i was, i pity myself
i feel bad for past me and the shit i had to go through, seemingly alone
it sucks

it sort of lingered
a wistful notion, sweet on my tongue
one year gone by, many changes
fairly imperceptible to those who weren't watching
upsetting in concept, but surprisingly fulfilling

i always wanted to have one of those meaningful looks at someone across a room. perhaps an old lover or ex-friend. you see them in a crowded area and your eyes lock and that look is filled with regret and sorrow and some sort of closure and you're surrounded by people who don't give two fucks that this intense moment is going on. i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. i always wanted to have one of those but then i realized that no one has ever left my life that gives two fucks about me and would take the time and effort out of their day to look at someone, let alone me. isn't that great?

that scribbly little girl, with a stub of a pencil between her grubby fingers
gnawing at her thumbs to get an understanding of the smoke in her head
the shhhhhhh of the classroom is far too much for her
her hair falls limp, it's life long gone
her clothes are a little too loose, barely noticeable
she averts her gaze and lets her eyes meander to the window
she dreams of being a songbird
soft and delicate on the branch of a tree
adored by all, but from a safe distance
the world falls silent when she opens her mouth
and she can leave this all behind at the flap of her wings
the books slam and she is pulled back to chalk dust and rulers
her dream just a smear on her day, another thing she cannot receive
we've all got white ribbons in the back of our minds, drawers, closets
she is mine. remember, love, dedicate.

i'm pretty sure that today is the day i give thanks for those people and things in my life that keep me from jumping off the roof on a daily basis. the problem is, there are too many people and too many things they do for me to list them all here. i'd say it's jamie's smiles every morning, but there are too many mornings that her smiles warmed me better than a cup of hot chocolate. i could say it's zena's snuggliness, but depending on what sweater she's wearing and how much her hair eats me that particular day, the hugs vary. it could be schuyler's total understanding of everything that comes out of my mouth, sometimes before it even comes out, but the thing is, there are just too many things that she gets about me to list. do you see my dilemma? even marisa's calm, cool, collected manner when i'm off the wall can't be listed because i go off the wall good or bad. the thing here is, i love everybody who makes my life just a little bit better by being in it and to say that i'm thankful is such an understatement, it's almost insulting. i'm not thankful for them, i'm not grateful for them, i'm alive because of them. everyday i'm not doing so great, they bring me back to life. they lift me higher and allow me to be a better person. i literally cannot express in words the good that they put into my life. some say that religion is their guiding light, or their family. mine is my friend. my perpetual light in my life that makes me great, that keeps me sane and whole is the light that i see every day. the light that never flickers, never fades, never needs batteries. the best light in the whole world is the one i didn't even ask for. they say that you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends, but i beg to differ. i didn't pick my friends. fate picked them and i couldn't get rid of them if i wanted to. they're like good horcruxes. like a part of me is in them (that sounds really sketchy) and i like to think that i've impacted their lives in some way or another. i love you all so much more than you could possibly know.
love,
Phoebe

i always feel so alone at this time of year. mostly because…well i actually have no idea why that is. and the ones who are supposed to care, sort of do, but not really. that's nice, i suppose. it's a funny thought, because i'm on the side, on the outside, on the inside and invisible all at the same time when certain people are around. its the strangest and most alienating position i've ever been in. there are times when i just feel so alone and there's nothing i can do about it. it's just something that rattles me to my core, and i can't shake this feeling that there's no one here that really cares or really wants to help. i can't escape these emotions or poisonous thoughts, they just creep up on me when i'm alone.

do you remember the days when seeing you was the highlight of my week? i can recall every second of those days. I remember spending hours getting ready to see you, just for a bit. it was the most important thing on my agenda, ever. but now i look at how you're treating me now? just because i had feelings for you? i wish i could take back every moment i wanted you, every second i spend pining over you. why? because a guy with this little consideration for the emotions of others doesn't deserve it. you don't deserve shit.

best friend.
is that…something? anything? nothing? is that a dry riverbed to lay your troubles in and hope they flow like the hair down your back? can you push stone on stone and make it move? mountains have piled up around you and i'm twiddling my thumbs waiting for the time of day. i cannot help you if i'm alone in a room surrounded by your words and your problems. i would love to be there for you, but we're all soo busy. it's not just you.

my 300th post is dedicated to my dream

I believe that love truly conquers all. I want a love that exists from the moment I meet him. I don’t have to say I love him, because we both know we love one another. I want to be one part of a being made up of two people. He and I will be inseparable. We don’t need to talk to fill a silence. We know and anticipate one another’s reactions to things. We are happiest when simply holding one another, perhaps whilst staring at the stars. I want a love that defies all odds and expectations. I want a love that fills me up every moment of every day. I want a love I can derive strength from, a love that makes me happy whenever it crosses my mind. I want a love I don’t’ have to ever be ashamed of or embarrassed by. I want to fall in love with my best friend, so we know each other better than anyone else. I want to be able to look into his eyes and just sit there, in bliss, staring at one another. Together, we are unstoppable.

this right here is a nice soft yellow, not at all like the hard-edged orange I was expecting
It's suprisingly nice, though you'd be hard-pressed to find a replacement
i tell you that, i say, i'll tell you that

once again, i'm in the back row
hiding from my eyes
i can't escape the throbs of pain beating through my head
no one says goodbye
no one thinks to get me one too
i'm transparent
in thought, in appearance, in emotion
i'm alone half the time
and the saddest part is that its restful
i'm being pulled by that truth that won't manifest in my mind
you think you get it, but you really don't
its not okay how i feel
and your delayed reactions point more to broken machinery than distracted friends
i can't even begin to say where it all ends
but i know it starts here

i'm done with you
i'm done with your shorts
i'm done with your lies
i'm done with your puppy dog eyes
i'm done with your promises
i'm done with your broken promises
i'm done with your hugs
i'm done with your awkward moments
i'm done with your hipster-ness
i'm done with us
i'm done with our friendship
i'm done with trying to fix anything
i'm done with asking about you
i'm done with making an effort to avoid you
i'm done with trying to understand you
i'm done with you

I miss my friend. I miss talking to you and saying hi to you and hanging out with you. I knew this would happen. Everyone told me I was wrong but noooo. It happened. It's not an issue anymore, but I just have one less friend. I suppose that's okay. It's just saddening that I was so right and either you chose this or I chose this. I'm not gonna Nancy Drew it, but it's a thought.

I so desperately want to put your name here

it's actually painful to look at those photos. that's a different person, a girl I no longer know or recognize. that was the night everything COULD HAVE changed. but didn't. i'm going to regret this for a very, very long time. i regret a lot of things in my life. things i shouldn't have said, people i shouldn't have been mean to, etc. that night is one of those regrets. i regret not doing what i know i wanted to do. it all went downhill after that and i sealed my fate. unrequited love songs for the future. that should be the title of my biography. even though i don't write songs.

i miss thinking you cared, now i just feel pathetic when the thought crosses my mind. remember that night we watched the stars? i could have had you then, too. now i'm sitting alone, in my room, at 1AM wondering why you aren't mine. she's a lucky girl, i'm sure she knows that though.

when i close my eyes, it's you i see. when i take a step, it's you i'm walking towards. i know this is all intense and stuff, but it's the only thing i think about at all, so these things sort of develop. it's been what? 4-ish months? so it's not totally weird. when i look at us, i see a subjunctive relationship; a whole lot of could-have-beens and a handful of should-haves.

we aren't logan & veronica, we aren't ron & hermione, we aren't bill & sookie. we're us. i'm just another girl who's hopelessly in love with you and you've got a girlfriend. i can't even claim a TaySwift defense and say she's a horrible bitch who doesn't deserve you because, as far as i can see, she's really nice. good for you two. that just makes me feel like an even worse person for having these feelings because i can tell they make you uncomfortable, but i don't not want to spend time with you, i like hanging out, you're fun and funny and, i don't know…i like looking at your eyes when you're not noticing me. god i'm weird/sketchy.

this will be another saga i get to tell when i recount all the things that make my unrequited love curse true. i was hoping you'd be the prince charming (with the killer abs) to break the evil curse. but i guess i'm still stuck in a tower, asleep, and the thicket still stands.

just once, just this once, I thought things were going to end up differently. I thought I wasn't going to be a slave to my emotions, hopelessly trapped here until they subsided. I figured, hey, this one's actually attainable, everything MUST be okay. NO! Why am I fucked into an eternity of unrequited love? Why is this my hopeless future? FUCK FUCK FUCK

there are things colors cannot contain
a single flower does not hold the yellow that dots the edges of your eyes.
joy is an emotion; you are an experience.
words miss, colors miss, pictures miss
the feel of your hug
the smell of your jacket
the somersaults in my chest.
there are things in our world
that defy description
that cannot be captured by art
that must be experienced to be explained.
and even then, there are cracks in the descriptions.
you defy explanation
you defy description
the feelings your smile gives me defy logic itself.
yet it is all there
it is all very real
it is all worthwhile

there's just so much going on in my head right now. and i'm feeling so many things, i can't pick one out.
I'm jealous
I'm angry
I'm sad
I'm lonely
I'm bitter
I'm happy
I'm frustrated
I'm stressed
I'm overwhelmed
and all these things are combining and expressing themselves as nothing. a big black ball of nothing that occurs when you combine every color in the rainbow and every feeling i've ever had. i'm silently composing words that dont make it past the editors desk in my head
i'm working on making myself less dark and more yellow/orange/sunset
i'm trying to weed out morose and find/replace it with laughter
its not working

i want to crawl up onto the lifeguard tower
and build a home up there
and watch the tides change
and watch the beach go
and watch the sun rise
and watch the moon set
and remember everything we did
we said
because that was the last time it was all good
and it went downhill from there
i was the activation energy
i was the catalyst
i was the BOOM
that screwed everything over
but mostly the what-if
that keeps ticking in my ears
and playing on loop in my dreams
and screaming at me whenever i close my eyes
and it'd never work now
but it's oh-so-nice to think
what-if?
i was okay
i was good enough
i was wanted by you
then everything would be just like that lifeguard tower
and you'd give me your hand and help me off
and then the credits would roll
and the songs would play
and then i'd wake up.

ba-boom
ba-boom
then death

it hurts so much to not be at the top of the list
to not be as prized as the next one
to have this feeling in my stomach and know its going nowhere
to have these images of the could-have-been swimming through my head
to go to sleep at night and wonder why i'm not there
I just want to be okay. Why is that such a hard task?
Why is okay a task at all?
Shouldn't okay be the worst possible?
Shouldn't I want to be GREAT? Not okay?
To hold myself and know nothing's going to get better
To know that first high can never be reached again
and everything else after that is a waste of money
waste of time
and feeding an addiction
that I don't want to kick
you're the worst habit i've ever had
but darlin, you're the best

i'm grasping at straws and trying to figure out what makes me
not nearly as good as her.
I try so hard, so hard. I smile when I'm supposed to, laugh at just the right level.
Wear my cutest clothes, say the right things, act normal.
I'm working my ass off to get noticed, to get appreciated, to be liked.
But all I'm getting is bad feelings when I can't fall asleep
Tears in my eyes when I least expect it
Lies about why I can't focus
And an urge to just hide away till it goes away.
This doesnt make sense, this grasping at straws
I want to know what to do, how to proceed, how to live normally!
How to not fret over every punctuation mark, capitalization and word that is sent either way
How to not think of your face whenever I close my eyes
How to breathe, just...breathe, calmly, and without hesitation

this cannot get any worse.
don't tell me this is less-than.
when its all i see, all i hear, all i think, all i smell
every molecule of my being is engulfed in this.
and you're telling me no?
i can't get worse. that's supposed
to be reassuring, "it can only get better/look on the bright side"
it can only get better, but when? what bright side?
yes i'm still alive
yes i've got my limbs and fingers and face
but when this is the only problem in my life
why can't i fixate with a microscope?
fuck your rationalizations
fuck getting better
this is all i am and all i have been for a while now
you're too tra-la-la to see that
how the hell is that my fault?

after a while we forget the little things.
the girls name you sat next to in elementary school
your 7th grade math teacher's hair color
i've got to wait for the forgetting to start
for the holes to patch themselves
i've got to get ready to stand still
and forget it all
let it all fade away
sweat it out
will being busy make it go that much faster?
or will the thoughts make being busy that much harder?
the more you shove in your brain the more you forget
so learn about china, knitting and the geography of Azerbaijan
and forget your smell, forget your laugh, forget your smile
when you say it's easy, do you mean in retrospect or in the now?
because right now it's the hardest thing in the world

love
l
o
v
e
why does it suck so hard when you're on the outside looking in?
why does it suck so hard when the guy you want it with has it with someone else?
why do i care so much about it?
why does my life suck so hard because of it?
WHAT THE FUCK!??!

this shouldn't be tedious. i shouldn't want to run away right now. i shouldn't want to quit and give up.
aren't these supposed to be the days i remember? the ones i look back on fondly?
not the ones where i'm distant, cold, bitchy and upset.
not the ones where i'm crying in bathrooms and rehashing old problems.
why couldn't there be warning or help?
cockroaches aren't supposed to walk on two legs
yet here they are singing and dancing
and ruining my days.
hug me kiss me look at me, i won't notice, i won't want it
i'll push you away, i know it
i'm trying to push away this pit in my stomach but i don't care
i like it
i'm sorry if i'm invisible to you, i'll try harder next time to make you see me
i sort of want to care, but if you aren't then neither am i. cattle call, right?
so i'm just another piece of meat you can eat.
go get a heart, yours died a long time ago

it's not even funny or okay how i'm feeling right now. i don't give a flying fuck that i'm having a pity party, let it be the biggest party of the year for all i care. it's not even about the guy anymore, it's about the fact that I THOUGHT THIS WAS DONE. OVER WITH. KAPUT. I do not want to discover that this is a whole new year of the same old shit. Are you really THAT caught up in your crap that you can't look around and notice other people? What? Are you allergic to nice? Is that it? I don't want to hear your crap or look at your face. I just want to scream at you

I can't get you out of my head
I can't get your hug off my skin
I can't get your smile out of my eyes
I can't get your laugh out of my ears
I can't get your smell out of my nose
and I don't want to
Not one bit
Not at all
What do I want?
I want you to see me, smile, hug me and tell me everything's going to be okay.

this is all so terrifying because it's so new. if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be nearly this unnerved. and it's happening so fast too! just two days ago i was in one place and now, here I am! This is RIDICULOUS! this is all just so...GAH! my stomach is tingling and i can't stop smiling and giggling and i feel like such a dumb ass. Like, for serious, what the fuck?!? I don't know what else to say. It all makes sense, as scary as it is.

I just want to be able to breathe. I want to go through one whole day where my breath doesn't hitch in my throat or I have to stop and take 3 deep breaths before I can move on.
I want to not stop myself from crying, simply because I haven't cried at all.
I want to smile and mean it, not just smile to make everyone else go away.
I want to say that I'm fine and not use it as emotional cover-up
I want to be okay
is that too much to ask?

I feel so wretched. I'm just hoarding all these things inside and I want to tell her SO. BAD. but I can't. Because if I do then I broke Girl Code, and Girl Code is VERY specific. I'm screwed. I can see everything happening, and I'm on the sidelines, saying nothing. It sucks wondering if thats true and wondering if I can change it without losing a friend. I've held this for too long for it to not do damage (DAMN YOU PAST SELF!). So basically I've dug myself into a disgusting hole and now I'm fucked. Lovely!

Does this even make sense?

Real friends are the ones who care even when you don't
Real friends are the ones who hug you when you push them away
Real friends are the ones who want to reach out despite your protestations

I try to be a real friend and sometimes it hurts
Sometimes you push back so hard you hurt us both
I'm always here, no matter what

You pushed too hard and we both got stung, but I'm still here
I'm still caring about you, I'm not giving up
I'm not giving up until theres nothing left to give up

oh also I think I maybe, MIGHT have a crush on the guy my best friend really, really likes and has forbade me to see.
okay thanks bye!

i miss the days when the biggest problems on my mind were the heart on my wrist. or even what uniform skirt to wear that day. the simplicity of it all is offensive to my current predicament. i can't believe i'm going to be a junior. i got more college mail today, but it was a big envelope so my mom and i pretended it was an acceptance letter. i like to think it was just me, putting off the inevitable. i hope.

once in a while i just get really, really sad. I feel guilty for being a huge mega uber bitch. I'm sad because summer's almost over. I'm really sad because of all the things i said tonight and how epically true i know them to be. I'm also sad because the one person who would listen to me, no judgement, just got shut out of my life...by me. it was the right thing to do, right? does my pride mean more than a friendship, no matter how damaged?

Mr & Mrs Noah Hershman

Tonight I went to my godsister Rachael’s wedding and I just want to say, wow. The love I saw between these two people made me hopeful for a relationship just like theirs. When Rachael walked down the aisle, I looked only at Noah and the love I saw in his eyes and even in the way he was standing took my breath away. It was as if every moment of their lives was leading up to this day. Rachael looked stunning and everyone could see it. These are two beautiful people, inside and out, becoming one soul. In my opinion, they’ve been one person for some time now, they just needed to make it official. The understanding between the two, the clear love they have for one another and the way they just work together. It was plain to see, these two are meant to be. (THAT RHYMED!!) So here’s to you, Rachael and Noah Hershman. May you be happy for the rest of your lives (and then some!).
Love,
Phoebe

I'm in a funk, and there are two people I want to talk to about it.
One of them I can't trust, and I learned that the hard way.
The other person...I can't talk to because I don't want to trust them.
I feel like never leaving my bed is the answer and just holing up in my room will make everything go away.
Why?
Because you don't get it, you don't care and lying just makes you look like a douche.
Because my stomach is heavy, my throat is tight and my jeans don't fit anymore.
Because when I see me, I see gray

It hurts to admit that he was right
It hurts to admit that I was wrong
The color is sucked out of my life through a little tube
that goes into everyone else.
My life is gray and picket fences and swivel chairs
and fluorescent lights and no soul and froyo.
My life is boring
My life is extremely boring
My life is one pair of jeans and a whole lot of t-shirts
My life is one pair of sneakers
My life is a beach no one uses.
It's nothing but broken showers and absent mothers
Depressed dogs and fruit flies.
My life is really, really boring.

Sometimes I have these visions of what my life could/should be in 15 years, but I never know what the in-between steps are, you know? I just want to skip all the middle, and be happy. Is that so hard?

There's a legitimacy to who he is. There's no bullshit or fake; just him, for real, right there. Also, it's not like he's plastic or untouchable, suddenly he's real. He's an actual person. A person who's pretty damn awesome. It's weird...really weird... It's not the characters or the director or the humanitarian, it's the person, in an awesome baseball cap and who's talking about stuff I find interesting too! Damn you age difference....

Rant

Everytime I sell someone a pack of cigarettes, I just want to hand it to them and say, "would you like a reciept? no? how about some lung cancer?" I see moms come in there with little kids, buy the kids gum, tell them to go somewhere else in the store and buy cigarettes then hide them in their purse! It's horrible! I don't want those kids exposed to second hand smoke! It kill just as much as smoking a cigarette does. I'm livid about this whole thing. And then there's the kids that come in that are barely 18 (i card, no worries) looking to buy cigs. I'm just like, are you kidding me!??! You're already addicted!?!? Who the fuck has been buying you cigarettes until now?? You're 18 and already you're on the path to DEATH. Its disgusting. What? You don't want to go to war but you'll die a much more painful death here? Fuck you! You do have something to lose, YOUR LIFE! It's not sexy or alluring or anything like that. It's disgusting and revolting. You smell bad, you look like a suicidal MORON and you waste a shit ton of money on them. I want to smack you upside the head everytime you light up, seriously! If I could, I would smack every single smoker upside the head every time they lit a cigarette. GOD DAMNIT! If there's one thing you DONT want to fuck with me about, it's smoking. Mkay? Mkay.

God! I cannot believe all this! I changed it because of the meanness that was coming out of it. I hated that I could never trust what I read to be nice or just sarcasm. I hated that nothing was ever really nice, except for the occasional friend. It made me sick when I realized that this all, my entire heart, emotions and thought process/thoughts were on display for everyone I didn't like to see. So I made a bank vault and shoved everything inside. None of this makes sense. I should go to sleep. Fragglerock....sleeeeeeeeeppppppppppppp
blah

The colors are daring me to understand them
and I'm being beaten down by the mundanity
of the average day and
the 9-5 shotgun held to my head.
the audacity of the stupidity of the people in the world makes me want to
scream until the gun goes boom
the lights go black
the crowd erupts
and the oscar goes to the one with the clear skin
long legs
flat stomach
shiny hair
white teeth.
I'm trying but i'm floating away
Higher and higher
Up and up
Till the gun goes boom

Thoughts of you make my stomach itch
I don't want to be a big bad but I don't want to give in
I hate having to feel icky for being true to myself
I want to cry for everything I've put you through
Everything I've put you through in vain
I miss you
But I don't want to go back
I can only move forward
In a new direction
You will not be forgotten
You will not be lost
You will just be past

my eyelashes are wet with thoughts of red
thoughts of correct
thoughts of sand between my toes.
my pillow is wet with tears
my mind is filled with screams and shadows
the corners are covered in soft with holes
the water is dirty and wrong
i dont feel right
i dont want to move on
i dont want to care
i dont care
i dont want to forget

it's as if nothing will ever be good
like nothing will be happy again
like i'm not the best i can be
like i'm not good enough
like everything is cold and dark and black
and the light bits get smaller and smaller
and then the black punches me in the stomach
and i just curl up and cry
and nothing is okay
and it's all bad
the threads are loose
the scissors are broken
the books have no words
the lights dont turn on
and i'm in the middle of it all

some clouds are purple
and some clouds cry tears of death and destruction down upon the earth
and try as you may to twist your head sideways, the cotton balls in the sky won't change.
the sky reigns.
and so all the wise men in the world gathered up all the love and turned it into a great woven tapestry to cover the earth from the tears of the clouds.
but there were holes in the blanket
and there will always be holes in the blanket
because love is not real
and love is not withstanding
and love is not lasting
and love is a falsehood that will not protect us

my youth and my childhood, locked into submission by metal clasps
drowning like a witch, my hands tied with lace and leather.
my palms get sweaty and screams are found by little girls in rain boots
your smiles lie to me and make me weep
the trees grow tall and fill with sorrow
filmy blue gauze envelopes the searing pain and yellow words make it feel
alright, okay, just fine
hindsight is an afterthought and
billowy dresses cover the truth
la verdad
the only thing i really want right now

NO! NO NO NO NO NO! You can't say that because you don't mean it! I hate it when you do that! You can't say things like that then go and do what you did! Because now, I cry out of hurt and sadness, not happiness from those words. I trusted you! I trusted you with my deepest secrets and I can't know what you sold for appreciation or status or whatever the hell you did with them. I don't know why you would do that. I can't fathom why anyone would do that to anyone. Maybe I am over reacting, but regardless, you betrayed a deep trust I put in you. It's been a while, but it still hurts to think about that betrayal. I have one rule: honesty. You broke that and now I have to live knowing that you have my deepest secrets and they aren't safe. What do you propose I do with that knowledge? Hmm? Share it with you? Because that's SUCH A GREAT IDEA. I miss my friend. That's what's worst, for me. Is that I lost a friend and confidante. Maybe ignorance really is bliss, because then...then I would still have a friend and confidante. I miss you, but you ruined our friendship when you betrayed it.

i’m empty like those promises you made
i’m broken like a glass of champagne after a long night
i just want to cry but then you win.

it’s not black and white anymore, there’s nasty grey bits that we have to deal with
is that so hard? is it wrong? painful? disgusting?
it’s called being an adult. welcome to the club…

i wish i could go back and just not
because then you wouldn’t have to do this again
and again
and those promises wouldn’t be made
and those promises wouldn’t be empty
and those promises wouldn’t be broken

and I wouldn’t be broken by it all

tanned skin that shines like
lacquered nails that type on
tiny phones that sent messages
that tear you down.
I hope you're happy with the things you do and the life you lead
I pray that you enjoy every moment that you spend making everyone else's lives hell
Good for you
Congratulations
You have the power.
Now tell me, how does it feel?

Airplanes

I love airplanes. I love the sound they make when they take off. I love the sound they make when you're in the air. I love how you feel like you're in a racecar when you take off. I love that you're on your way to some other place when you're on a plane. I love that it's so loud in-flight that you can't think. I love the places they take you. Places that hold adventure, solace, relaxation.

It's funny
It makes me giddy because I don't understand it either
It just sits there like eggs that you don't want but made anyway.
It's like life.
Life is just there, it just is. You can't explain it and it's useless to try
Stick your hand out the window, feel the breeze, smile alot
and keep to yourself what belongs to yourself

the words hit the page and splash
they melt down the sides
sprinting through the margins towards oblivion
they scream their message till they cant make any sounds at all
the sky is cracked, they scream
the sky is cracked, the sky is going to tremble, they shout
they can be heard but they are not listened to
their colors mean nothing
they swirl together like tastes
so much better than vanilla ice cream
their colors mingle and make small talk until they have a conversation
striping, taping, polka-dotting it all
left and right
metallic smells fill the pages
the sky is cracked, they scream
the sky is cracked, the sky is going to tremble, they shout
i'm listening, i'm looking, i'm here
but no one else is

like a spider on the edge
sending out threads to make a connection
swing and a miss
trying to find a click, a fit, an ending to the day
the sun sets but we don't
the sky turns to black and so do we
nothing follows order except the rules themselves
trying to swing ourselves up onto the branches of a tree we know we can't climb
screaming at someone else in an argument we know we can't win
swiping a credit card we know won't go through
tumbling through space
breaking the reset button
making up new words and hypothesizing about that shiny box in the corner
mom's making pancakes but we're not home yet
we're too busy trying to find the keys
or trying to find the street
or remembering our names
good morning
good night
good evening
good afternoon
have 'em all and while you're at it, super size it please.

My life is:
sand and inconsistencies
shame and broken soles
aches and mascara
angst and white
doldrums and lights
lies and snow
living and flowers
but please sir, not all at once

I miss Sky so much. Alicia just showed me the negatives of a photoshoot we did and I miss her and Zee so much. I can't believe she's gone for two weeks! That's forever! And I can't talk to her or hug her or laugh with her! I'm sad!

Musing

I don't even know what to say at this point. Everything seemed fine but I guess it wasn't so? Normal on the outside but empty and broken on the inside. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it's not us but it's the pain that isn't being expressed. The repression of the pain and love that are fighting for dominance inside of him. To wake up one morning and realize that's gone is an unbearable thought. Tempting, but unbearable. You can't do that, can you? You can't just wake up on morning and stop loving someone. If you did, then maybe the love wasn't there to begin with? Or it wasn't real? I'm not sure what to do with these thoughts other than write them down here.

Make me smile, make me laugh
Fill me with sadness, fill me with noise
Let the colors flow, taste the sky
Put your good shoes on
Take my hand and we'll do it all

I'm surrounded by a bunch of people who I used to respect and admire but whose lies have ruined my image of them. I never thought I would wear the red hat but here I am calling everyone a phony! I admire those who have managed to retain some sense of anonymity in the world because honestly? I'm trying so fucking hard to regain it. I want to shoot someone right now!

I have 4 limbs
2 lungs-
1 trachea-
and a heart-
I am filled with blood-
Blood that keeps me alive
Keeps my limbs moving-
Keeps my lungs pumping-
Keeps my trachea doing whatever a trachea does.
All wrapped up in a thin, breathable, fleshy wrapping paper.
Always breathing, feeling, alive, here.
This thin membrane that surrounds my ever pulsing, living, breathing body.
Kept alive by an electrical current
Ba-boom
ba-boom
ba-boom
__________________________________________

A little note

IT'S SPELLED phOEbe. not phEObe. IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO GO, FIND LAST YEAR'S YEARBOOK (OR A DIRECTORY EVEN) AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPELL SOMEONE'S NAME?!!? OR GRAB ME IN THE HALLWAY AND ASK ME. OR LOOK AT THE 3 PLACES YOU DID SPELL IT RIGHT. Oh, and there are girls who aren't listed in the index in the back of the book. Why have one if you're going to not put people in it?!?! Geez!

My rant

CLARIFICATION: Caroline Bingley is not a bitch, she is a brat. There is a HUGE difference. All she did was follow the rules and what did she get? She got screwed over by some middle-class girl with a huge attitude and an annoying family. She only wanted one thing, one fucking thing, and she went about getting it the only way she knew how to and that was by following the rules. Why is it that when people follow the rules they DON'T get rewarded!? What's up with that!??! GOOD LORD! I've been holding that in for a while...

The full Spiel...

MSP Girls:
Working with you all has been one of the best experiences I've ever had. I saw talent, brains, beauty and dedication day after day and show after show. I was blown out of the water from day one. At auditions I couldn't believe that a) I didn't know half of you and b) that you hadn't done theater before. You are all so incredibly talented and gifted and I hope you continue theater at Marlborough. I also wanna give y'all props for holding neutral for EVER. I know how hard it is to hold it right after the warm-up circle but to do it for a whole show? Jesus Mary and Joseph! You go girls! Another thing: THERMALS. 1) SUPER SEXY! 2) SO. HOT. under those lights? If that's not dedication I don't know what is! If you didn't see me after tonight's show, here's a visual: I was crying basically all of act II and couldn't stop until we left school. I'm so immensely proud of each and every one of you. A month and a half ago we had a book...that's it...now we are done with a play you put together from a book. You make me happy to be doing this and it excites me so much that you all are the ones I get to work with for the next 2 years (then I leave, but still...). Everyone asked me why I was doing this and why would I want to work on the MIDDLE SCHOOL play but to be honest? It's because of you guys. You are all so talented and you don't even know it and that's what makes me want to work harder and to make you be the best that you can be (QUICK! GET ME A SUMMER INTERNSHIP AT HALLMARK!). Some addition: my house+you+me=beach, all the time this summer. LETS DO THIS! Call me and we WILL make it happen. I'm here for you all whenever you need ANYTHING! A hug, someone to sing a song with, some tampons or a smile in the hallways. I'm there for each and every one of you 24/7. I don't want to just be one of those people you make friends with during a play then they are just gone from your life. I want to be friends! Can we be friends? Pretty please? I'm pretty awesome! I feel like at this point I'm just ranting and babbling...oh well! It's my blog! I'll do what I want! And what I want to do is get some shut eye after that INSANE cast party!!! My fingers are STILL wrinkly from it! Shout out to Katie K for hosting! Thanks girl! Fav thing about the cast party? THE SEX FAMILY! (that sounds SO wrong for anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about! GAH!) I'm going to miss hanging out with you guys after school and I'm gonna miss keeping y'all in line all the time! You all mean the world to me and we need (read: HAVE TO) chill this summer. Some of us are planning a group DLAND trip, call/email me so we can HOOK IT UP! The tired is kicking in, despite the Mexican Coke/Red Bull high I was on 10 minutes ago. I'm gonna go sleep now.
OH! Did I mention I'm so fucking proud of you it brings me to tears whenever I think about it? I didn't? Oh! Well I think I just did sooooo...yeah....
Hugs & Kisses,
Phoebe
PB
P-hobe
whatever else you wanna call me.
<3

Guess who this one's for?

SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY
SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY SYDNEY

she requested this. I love her to bits.

2ND SHOW!

TONIGHT WAS INCREDIBLE! The energy in the room was palpable and the audience was a FANTASTIC one! They laughed when they were supposed to and cried when they were supposed to. I cried like a little baby girl because I was so proud of the girls on the stage. It really made me realize how far they have come in a month! They had nothing but a book a month and a half ago and now they have a fully finished play that is one of the best I've ever seen. I cried as I gave them all hugs because I couldn't believe that they had done this. They are all so incredibly talented and when they delivered every line, it was as if they were made to do this. I cannot stress my pride and love for these talented, smart, kind and beautiful girls. I love you all to bits and prepare for more tears tomorrow!
Love, love, love
PB

Now-Jonathan Groff

Hey, I got your message
That you stopped by the apartment.
No worries leave your things here
For one more day.

I don't know why this happened.
My life is dark as hell without you;
The room feels so much colder
Since you went away.

Brian, I don't want this.
Why can't we sit and talk this through?
I'm losing sleep,
And I need you to come back home
To me
Now.

Since your brother's birthday's Friday
I sent a card from both of us
The day before there was no us,
How was I to know?

Don't worry about your clothes and all,
Maybe I will pack them up.
Make this easier on both of us,
Well, just for you.

'Cause everything is breaking down, now
Since you've been gone.
I don't even know the days,
I don't know where to start,
I'm in agony,
There are times I can't breathe
Now.

So, I guess that's it.
I'm sorry for this message.
Your bags will all be waiting, when you arrive.
I hope you're doing well
Now.

I want to trust you, really I do!
But I can't
It's not your fault, it's just that how am I supposed to talk to you
when you're what I'm talking about?
I don't know
I still talk, just not deeply
i'm sorry
so so sorry
It makes me sad and guilty
but it's true.

PERMISSION ACCEPTED

HAHA! Who feels stupid now? HAHA!
So I wanted to take this opportunity to express my MAMA BEAR-ness. OMIGOD I AM SO INCREDIBLY PROUD OF THE GIRLS IN THE MIDDLE SCHOOL PLAY! I WANT TO TAKE THEM ALL OUT TO ICE CREAM OR SOMETHING! THEY WERE ALL SO AMAZING! They are consistently talented and dedicated to their craft. Not to mention the mind-blowing amount of talent on that platform/stage! From day 1 I was amazed by the talent and skill-level these girls had and today they proved it to everyone. I know alot of the girls think that some parts are a little...eh...but I am here to say that everything has a purpose and boy was that purpose served today! There's this one scene that I cry during EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME. that they do it. no joke! EVERY TIME! I've seen this scene maybe 10 times, probably more. The point is, they make me cry every time! I love every one of these girls and they are so talented, sweet, smart and beautiful
Brava ladies!
xo
Phoebe

I miss the sanity
I wish I didn't know that everyone is right
If everyone wasn't right, I would be right and if I was right I would be sane and if I was sane the voices in my head would shut up and if the voices in my head would shut up then I could cry and not feel guilty about every little thing I say and do.
I just want to be able to turn it all off and think, for one second, that this IS the end of the world and I DO believe that I can't recover from this.
But the truth is that life goes on
I hate that but it does
There are shudders and there are pauses but we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing and we all keep breathing.
And life goes on.
And that sucks.

I remember when everything was whole and I was sane
now the cracks are starting to show and I don't know where I stand
and it scares me.
I lost a friend but gained an acquaintance and everything sucks and
I hate it when my friends talk about how they need to change their diets because they don't like the way they look. I feel like I'm one of the only people I know that likes the way they look and isn't out to change it. I'm comfortable in my skin, why can't everyone else be? And why does everyone have to get so damn touchy when I ask them to PLEASE CHANGE THE MOTHER FUCKING SUBJECT!?!? I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT DIETS AND LOW-CARBS AND HIGH PROTEIN! I just want to eat the last fucking piece of cake and be done with it all. Is that so bad? Am I a bad teenage girl because of it?? I'm terrified that the second I go down that road I'm gonna turn into my family history of eating disorders and that scares me, okay? I don't want to go there or do that or even think about it, okay? So can we change the subject now? THANKS.
fuck.

I remember when I cared
I remember when lavender lies didn't hurt quite so much
I remember when the words could tumble out of my mouth and I could just let them fall
Now i have to pull them back, like I'm slurping soup.
Now those words hurt to say; they cut my tongue.
Now nothing makes sense and even when I'm surrounded I'm alone.
Now when I leave, there's no caring, no glancing, no inkling of anything resembling a look.
I remember when it mattered
I remember when I wasn't lying to myself to keep the tears at bay
I remember when it didn't hurt
I remember when my life wasn't grey with waxy undertones
I remember when there were no hypocrites in my life
I remember when I could talk without feeling like everything I was saying was wrong.
I remember when I knew what the hell I was feeling and that was fine.
Now I'm lost within myself and loneliness is a vice
Now every syllable is wrong, false, a mistake
Now no one is truthing, just lying.
Now everything is dull, lackluster and without color.
Now the only thing that stops me from crying is the lie that no, really, I'm fine.
Now nothing matters.

It's always take, take, take. NEVER give.
I'm not a tree, I can't regenerate.
It doesn't work like that.
I feel cheap, used, unwelcome (unless I'm useful)
I don't like this at. all.
No one asks, no one cares.
I wasn't lying when I said no one cares, because no one does.
I need you to not just say you love me, but actually love me.
I can't take this constant taking without anything in return.
I need to be respected!

Stupid sadness
Stupid tears
Stupid bathroom tiles for being so echo-y
Stupid me.
I very strongly dislike this feeling of loneliness and inadequacy
I just want to be left alone but no one seems to listen when I say that.
No, I'm not fine, but I just don't want to talk to you about it.
I am going to cry, but I'm not letting myself because you are here.
I refuse to take that answer.
I won't let it win.
I won't let this pull me down
That's such a cliche, but so is high school.

sitting in the back
whirring silently as everything blurs
my mind goes blank
screams echo in my ears and lights flash behind my closed eyes
it's all gone and I'm done
no one notices as I wait for it all to stop
for it all to end
for it all to be finished
for it all to stop hurting.
everyone thinks X but it's actually Y
and there's no way X could be the answer because Z happened, remember?
I want someone to understand me the way I understand me.
i want someone to know when to care and when to let me be.
i want silence in my head
I want to not sound crazy when I have to tell myself to be quiet.
I want to be loved by someone other than my parents.
I need to know who I am.

We're like parallel streets running in opposite directions. We're so utterly the same but we're too busy in our own shit to look up and see the similarities.

benches

I let the wind chill me
I let it remind me I’m here, not in my head
I let it pull me out of my fantasies and back to harsh realities
I let it dry my tears and whisk away my pain
I let the wind chill me and remind me I’m alive

the man behind the curtain

Literally lost in the shuffle, smack dab in the middle
Under the title, less than the best
Not even close to that.
So far from what I want, but my imagination makes it hard to think.
Rejection turns to disgust turns to fear turns to
turns to
turns to
turns to nightmares
turns to dust
turns to lies my parents told me
turns to shame
turns to a total disconnect of reality
justification of actions becomes irrelevant as we fall apart
as we turn to nightmares
to dust
to lies my parents told me
to shame
falling out of the upside downs and reaching for an imaginary pole to steady the fall
confusion takes control as the clock stops and the only sound that can be heard is the
rrrrrrrrrip of the backdrop as everything
falls
a
p
a
r
t

Rant

I hate how you can feel so alone while in a room, surrounded by people.
You can try so hard to be special yet still be not enough, off-key, off-kilter, too much...
I hate that I know that I'm too much, that when I meet new people, they don't see all of me.
Sometimes not even my closest friends see all of me.
Poor little girl, blah blah blah
Things like that don't help, they don't make me get over shit faster
They just make me want to punch you in the face.
You think I'm kidding? Try me.
Oh and all the back-handed insults that are disguised as passing comments?
Shove them up your ass! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
I'm not your punching bag
And bitch, I am certainly not your chew toy.
Leave me alone because guess what?
This is high school and no one gives a flying fuck what you think.
Okay?
Okay.

It's a love/hate relationship...mostly the love

I hate the fact that I know it's not real despite all signs telling me it's not.
I despise the looks I get when I talk about it
I loathe the fact that it's the best part of my day
I abhor the disgust in people's voices when they talk about it


I love the truth in it
I adore the romance that I so wish were mine
I can't get enough of the wit, lies and grit

Shameless Promotion

Totally copying Zee's plan!
SO I auditioned for Glee (yeah, yeah, collective moan, i got it) but I would love it if you all gave me a gold star! If you scroll down on www.myspace.com/gleeauditions and search Phoebe, my video is the one in the far right hand corner w/o a picture. Please watch it and give me a gold star. IDK why I auditioned, partly to say that I had the balls to do it but mostly because I really wanna be on Glee...yeah.
Thanks guys!
Phoebe

I cannot look
I cannot speak
then it is real
not just some sick joke, or a joke told at the worst possible time.
It is not true, it is a lie
IT'S NOT TRUE
JUST LIES
STOP IT I don't want to hear it.
I dont' want to hear you
I don't want to see you
I just want to sit in silence and in the dark.

Rent had it right

When something is defective you return it
When something is broken you fix it
Return or fix
maybe with some Krazy Glue
I can't be returned
or fixed
and Krazy Glue just makes me stick to myself.
I am me.
Just me.
Nobody particularly special
Just me.
I can't change
I won't change
I am me

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one

It's bitter and brown and dark and desolate.
It's dank and wet and hollow and blank.
It's old and new and perfect and lovely.
And I don't want to leave.
I cannot stop, nor do I want to.
I feel empty yet full.
I am incomplete but surrounded.
Why do things have to be this way? Why can't they change? Why do people have to be so stupid?
My chest hurts and my lips tingle.
My throat is dry and I clutch at her.
I cannot breathe so I gasp but it turns into an abandoned cry.
This is the line I must cross but it burns to touch it.
These are the shattered lies that the lights illuminate and reality couldn't get past the bouncer but the truth is having a drink at the bar and deceit is hooking up with some random skank in the bathroom.
This is the life we all must live. This is the fault we all must face. These are the twisted symphonies we must listen to. We read our teleprompters every day and they tell us when to smile, when to laugh and when to be quiet. We follow routine and speak only when we really really have to.
The snow keeps falling, the sun keeps rising and the tides keep changing. The world goes on around us while we fall apart. Our screams are heard by no one and no one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.
No one cares.




and then you die.

I don't have that many words but:

I fucking did it. I DID IT! It's no longer a fantasy or an ideal, its a reality!! I cannot wait for it all. It's like Bad Romance, I love it so much that I can't wait for all of it. For the bad stuff, for the good stuff, for everything! It's going to be incredible! GAH!!!!!!

Being not wanted sucks. Being left out sucks. Having it rubbed in my face sucks.
All these things suck the first time but time after time they start to hurt more and more.
So as I stop getting invited, so do other people. As I keep getting left out, so do other people.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Clearly my actions weren't enough.
So maybe my inaction will help you better understand how I feel.

You'd think that words dont do anything but they do.
They hurt just as much as being left out.
They hurt just as much as if you had actually punched me.
Be a big boy and use your words that you didn't find in the gutter.
Don't find the crudest word possible to get your point across, just say what you need to.
When did civility become the last thing on your priorities?

bitching

I'm sitting on my bed video chatting with zena. I have a bag of oreos on my right and comfy pillows on my left. I love spring break! Shoe, Zee and I had an hour long video chat and Shoe was excited until Zee and I told her that we'd vc'd for 3 hours before. Sarah, Zena and I vc'd TWO nights ago, and Zee is convinced it was last night. =) Today I babysat and made $30 bucks that will be gone by tomorrow. College tour is fast approaching and I'm SO EXCITED! It's gonna be the BOMB.COM! GAH! Rooming with my Lieutenant, Sarah and Millie and Millie and I have promised to do morning workouts to Hannah Montana! (heeheehee...) Dessert Hopping WILL occur along with the eating of the finest dining these cities can offer, ON A BUDGET! It's all going to go swimmingly! Following College Tour is my 16TH BIRTHDAY! I'm really excited because I want to have a big girl birthday party (that means a dinner party of some sort). No hassle, just nice clothes, nice music, and great food! =) Along with all of this is DRAMA ENSEMBLE LETTERS! Soon to be received (hopefully) and read. I'm so FRIGGIN nervous about those. OH! And IDK if my BEST FRIEND is moving to TENNESSEE! WTF?!?! It's up in the air...grumble grumble.
Thanks for listening to my bitching!
xo
pb

Dear Zee,

You really don't know what you have until it's gone, or almost gone.
I was so sure and so secure
then it all came tumbling down and nothing makes sense
because you could be gone.
because you could leave.
because you could be out of my life.
You keep me sane, you make me happy, you make me laugh.
You light up my days, you give me hope, you understand me.
I love you so much and you are my rock.

nothing is safe enough to stand on
to live on
to sleep on
nothing is sacred or respected
everything is part of
or not enough
or not mine
nothing is good enough
nothing is willing
nothing is open or able
nothing is sacred

adult

to be adult is to be fully grown, mentally and physically.
it is nothing more.
you cannot decree it.
it is not based on emotions or happiness level.
it is based upon where you are within yourself.
do not judge unless you know a person, fully and wholly.
only then can you say that they are immature or child-like.
never before. only after.
never before. only after.
never before. only after.

Puerto Vallarta

I'm glad that I'm not going back this year. As paradise-y as it is, I need to purge myself of that place. Yes, there are a multitude of good memories there, but there are just as many bad. I have been there so many times that I can tell you exactly what the top step of the dark blue pool feels like about a week and a half in when a pocket of sand begins to form in the corner. I can tell you what the palapa feels like right before everyone is called to dinner. I can tell you what the kitchen smells like after breakfast when everybody is cleaning. I can even tell you what it feels like to jump in the light blue pool after being in the dark blue one. I can hear the waves from my room and taste the strawberry smoothies. I can hear the laughter as we run to the kitchen (from the back entrance of course) to get a late night snack of Zucaritas y leche or, if they have them, coconut ice cream in the coconut shells. I can taste the bread they put out at dinner and the AMAZING pancakes they make. I can feel the tiles of the dark blue pool under my feet. I can smell the sunscreen/pina colada smell that forms in the bedrooms during midday. I can hear the fiesta from the palapa and smell the grilled lobster. I can feel the excitement that you get when driving from the airport to the house and how every turn on that road feels like, THIS one must be it. I'm glad to not be going, but sad that I'm not at the same time. I might even miss the gritty sand that you can't find anywhere else that ends up everywhere; luggage, bathroom, shower, pool, kitchen, palapa, bed, sunscreen. As long as my parents bring me back some blueberry Trident that CANNOT be found anywhere else and some Bubbaloo. And some bracelets. Then I'll be happy.

Analogy

Where I expected tears
I got nothing
Where I expected longing
I got indifference
Where I expected fear
I got vigor
It's as if the best, most delicious soup in the world were in the bowl.
Then someone spit in it, and threw dirt in it.
And for a while I tried so hard to save that soup because it was so...worth it.
Then I looked at the soup and realized it was ruined and not worth my time fixing.
And I'm fine with that.
I have the best bread, drinks, dessert and steak right over here.
So I don't need that soup anymore.
And I'm fine with that.

I laugh at your frustration
I find your annoyance hilarious.
I feel nothing towards you.
Just memories of what used to be.
what was fun.
what used to be enjoyable but is no longer bearable.
adios!

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever
-Seventy Times 7-Brand New

The Future

It's this stupid gut feeling and just the thought of it is enough to make me want to cry.
Take a cookie cutter and punch a hole in my life, why dontchya?
I can sit outside there for ever waiting for you to show up and you won't and I'll cry.
This cannot happen.
I know I've said that before but I mean it.
I will be a wreck without you, despite the constant digital communication.

OMIGOSH!

I missed my one-year bloggiversary! It was almost a month ago! Feb. 17th, 2009 is when I started this blog. So YAY for over a year!

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and forget the ones that don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.
-Anonymous

Immature

Little girls with party hats and taffeta dresses.
Put down the phone and look at the room.
20 questions gets you nowhere.
The noisemakers go off as the cake enters the room.
We are all here for you.
I hate this feeling.

Mental

It's like I can't focus because everyone is staring at me
only they aren't.
And maybe they can hear everything I'm thinking?
but I know they can't.
Either way I can't think what I want
or say what I want
or do what I want.
Big Brother has come to my life, to my house, to my mind
and he won't leave.
It's the Truman Show all over again
and I'm trapped in the monotony that is my mind.
It's like a steel cage, surrounded by people that are anxious to get in.
Or maybe I need to keep them out.
I don't know what to think because everyone will hear it
and I don't know what to say because everyone will know about it.
even this isn't safe.

Smiles in the hallway

Her paper thin mask is getting old and worn
and the painted smile is faded and torn.
She asks herself, "why lie?"
Because its so much easier to lie and put on the mask than be asked twenty times a day
if you're okay.
And it's so much easier to pretend and act than to tell the truth
because the truth is made of serrated edges and tears.
And no one wants to tell the truth because their salty tears make the wounds hurt that much more.

NOTE TO ALL:

I will no longer be explaining posts to people. I don't name names for a reason and if you don't understand a post, sucks for you.
xoxo
Peanut Butter

Tiffany Boxes filled with lies.

Pretty little lies, wrapped up in satin bows
dropped on doorsteps, filled with crap.
This is the legacy and this is the truth.
Lies that taste like arsenic and lipstick
filled with glitter and dust
set to explode when the light turns green.
And they're off, destroying with their pretty little stilettos.

2/22

Have you ever been in a hall of mirrors? Nothing makes sense
Up is down and down is to the left.
My head is spinning and I reach to steady myself
but I'm grasping at air and can't catch my breath
Like Alice down the rabbit hole, down I go.
falling, dying, failing

pain

Pages torn from a fractured novel
How can I construct a romanticized reality when the reality I'm romanticizing has come tumbling down around me?
Cracks in the glass, only seen by me. The crazy glue I put on only makes it okay for everybody else.
I'm backed into a corner by lies and deceit and nothing has the strength to pull me out.
I'm walking through a dream, my head is filled with a haze and I have no hope for myself.

let the fire burn

let's leave this place
drop everything
i'm lost in dreams and reality
i feel like im dead but breathing
i'm scared i will die inside
i'm giving up...so catch me.

ache

my heart becomes heavier
and my throat becomes a little bit tighter.
my hands get cold
and my breathing quickens.
i ache to regain that
lost civility. chivalry is dead...but it wasn't.
it was golden and as alive as you and i
and now it's gone, dusty, dead.
no one wants to return to the land of the prigs
but me.

A new connection was being formed, sparking and lighting up; golden
old memories, sharp scissors of my mind came back to snip snip
cut us off.
who's to blame? blame the sky
blame the moon
blame whomever you want
just don't blame me.

Ghost

Since when are flesh and blood invisible?
When you see me do you see the wall behind me?
What color shirt am I wearing?
Or are you too busy walking away?
There are more words in the sentence I'm conveying to you right now...
do you want to hear them?

O.M.F.G.

I now know what a punching bag feels like
and I must remind myself to breathe.
I wait for numbness to relieve me of this
sadness and aching.
Help!
Sticks and stones may break my bones...
but why are your words hurting me?

Who Killed Gatsby?

Nothing is clear until the tears fall
making way for everything to make sense
Revenge would be sweeter than honeysuckle, but at what cost?
Talking and shutting up are two very different options
neither which are kind
but acid on my tongue would be soft next to the pain
your betrayal has caused.
I have no more words to say, no more looks to give
if you want answers, ask the tears shed when you aren't looking.

It's times like these that I wish I could grow fins and swim away from all of this.

It's not okay.

I can't breathe
and I can't think
and all that comes to mind is the immense emptiness what will consume me like a black hole
when you leave.
So I ignore and lie to myself
telling myself that it's okay
and that I can be okay if I just smile
and go on with my life like nothing's going to happen.
Like it's not going to tear me apart
Like it's not going to mean my whole life coming to a stop.
Like it's okay.
It's not.

the tears I cry offer no comfort

Once again I'm the third branch. You make up so much of my life and you are a pillar of sanity in my life of unsteadiness but to you I'm...what? A back up singer to her?? Is that all I'll ever be?? Will I ever be more than second fiddle to her? I know she's amazing but so am I!! I'm right here YELLING AT YOU to please, PLEASE treat me with a little more respect. PLEASE!

what can you do?

A thousand wishes reverberating in my head,
said by me
said by friends
unheard, unanswered.
written on paper, whispered to trees, whispered to me
unanswered.
a thousand little wishes, crying to be fulfilled
screaming to be heard and answered.
help will never come to paper on trees
or words whispered to the wind.

An Eye for an Eye Makes the Whole World Blind

Do you remember when the sky was blue?
Do you remember when the seas were calm?
Do you remember when we weren’t living a lie?
I wish I didn’t, but I do.

Do you remember when we didn’t breathe lies?
Do you remember when we had the same thoughts?
Do you remember when we were one?
I can’t unsee these images and videos and I can’t turn off the projecter in my head that keeps playing them.
Sometimes I think everyone can see them too.
Maybe then they would see what really happened.

I’ve only told one person.
Have you been asked about it yet?
I have.
It was awkward.
I have all these questions and you are like a brick wall.
Why?
Why did you tell people?
Are you that excited to be disassociated with me?
They say history repeats itself and I hope it does with us.
That way when you miss me I can make you feel as low as you are making me feel every day.
I know that’s petty but at this point, neither of us have eyes to take, arms to take or legs to take.
So I’ll take what you took from me: my feeling of self worth.

Head Rush

I enjoy looking at the world upside down because everything is different
and it's like looking at a whole new world
that's never been explored.
It looks like she's standing on the ceiling and balancing on the ceiling on one foot.
After a while your head starts to hurt but that goes away quick.
My favorite part is when you sit up all the blood rushes out of your head and you get a
head rush.

Dear Readers:

I am NOT attending AMP on Friday because:
Our arts council has failed to sufficiently promote or announce artistic events OTHER than AMP all year. Imagine how frustrating it was to not hear the play announced until the week of. Hello?!? We had been working on that all semester and AMP wasn't until FEBRUARY. Also, the day before Evening of Performances, the arts council made an announcement at class meeting about AMP. My friends and myself had to announce it ourselves. It wasn't awful, it's just not our job. We have representatives for a reason: so that they can REPRESENT something so that students don't have to go searching for information about them. There's more than just visual arts, people! Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of hearing about AMP and I have no interest in attending. It wasn't very fun last year until the very end when DJ Swine Fork Beard played that remix of the Office theme song. And the Dollhouse finale is that night. I suggest that you don't support an arts council that doesn't help to better inform you, aka, DOING ITS JOB.
Sincerely,
peanut butter.

This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are over looked, who become friends and nothing more. This is for the girls who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in anything they want to wear, who care more than they should for guys that don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have watched other girl’s time and time again fake up make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea” to “time heals all wounds.” This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments, who have been confident on the outside but breaking on the inside. This one’s for the girls you can take home to mom. This is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he might never be. This is for the girls who believed and waited. For the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning in a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with. This is for the “I really like you, you’re my best friend” comment after you read more into a situation then he ever intended. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful, intelligent, amazing, loyal and truly worthy of a great guy. You have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’ve ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys. And last but not least, this is for those of us who have grown up and realized that it’s all bullshit, and that we are worth more.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them and think little else than where their next conquest will be made.

Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interesting and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mind games that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful girls were you to give her your number and wait for her to call…and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you met the night before, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more of this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intramural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don’t say you’re on the look out for nice girls. Maybe nice guys finish last in the race they’re running, but they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets…the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they are the ones that you want at the end of the silly race. So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)…sometimes the nice girls get sick of waiting.
-Jessica Leigh Griffith

Third Branch

Today I saw a picture of a tree. The tree had three branches coming out of the trunk. Two of the branches were intertwined and the third was leaning in the same direction but it was separate.

I wish I wasn't that third branch all the time.

I think that the amount of sadness that you feel when someone close to you leaves your life is directly proportional to the amout of happiness they caused when they were in it. When you decided to leave my life, I felt nothing. I guess that means you were a shitty friend and considering the way you are treating me now, I'm not suprised.

Re-Post: March 2nd 2009

So I found this and it is as topical now as it was more than a year ago:

Losing something, anything, is like losing a part of yourself. A small, kiss-sized part of yourself. It just flies off like the birds migrate in the winter. And trying to regain it is pointless because that piece is a living being and once it has left you it has died. Putting a dead thing back together is redundant and a waste of time.
I feel these lies falling from my lips and I try to stop them but they are so heavy with the weight of hours spent on the phone talking about our favorite lip gloss. Heavy from my guilt and all of the food we consumed while watching bad t.v. It saddens me, but it is dead.
So why even try?

The Curse of the Hopeless Romantic

I keep watching all these romantic comedies and I see these perfect guys,
you know the ones: attractive, funny, cute, rough around the edges, witty, etc,
and I can't help but wonder if my need to find my leading man is what's making me alone.
If trying to put him into all these categories is what's making me alone.
If wanting him to be the perfect guy for me is what's making me alone.
Maybe I'm right, in which case, I need some Ben & Jerrys.
But maybe I'm wrong and my perfect guy does exist...I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore...
If my perfect guy is out there, then I'm never going to stop looking.
I'm never going to settle for anything less than the attractive, funny, cute, rough around the edges, witty, etc, man comes along and sweeps me off my feet and we ride off into the sunset together.
And here's a message to my perfect guy (c/o the universe):
I'll see you there and I'll be the one with the goofy smile on.

As long as I have my dreams I know I'll be okay
because if I always know that I can escape
Then the trivialities of life don't seem quite so awful.

So my level of frustration with you right now is so ridiculous, that I could laugh.
I have actually laughed! Haha! (< SEE!)
I see you and I so want to help but I know that if I do
I'll only get yelled at.
It took me too long to figure that out.
If I can help, let me know.

200!!!

so this is my 200th post...wow...if you haven't already, check my tumlbr at www.rawritsphoebe.tumblr.com because i post my poetry and thoughts here but there are much more pictures there. I'm really glad that I was able to keep a blog for this long (200 posts!) and I hope that I'll make it to a year. Haha. Thanks for reading and if you haven't FOLLOW!
Copperboom!
peanut butter xoxo

Where Does the Good Go

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen
It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real, happy and healthy, strong and calm, where does the good go
Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down
Where does the good go, where does the good go

So I never thought I'd be quoting Nick Jonas here, but some lines from his new song just really hit me, so here they are:

"Now that the pain is done, no need to be afraid, we don't have time to waste, just tell me that you'll stay. Beautiful, one of a kind. You're something special babe, and you don't even realize that you're my hearts desire. Its hard to believe where we are now, your hand in mine feels right somehow"

Idk why, but it was just one of those things that really stuck with me.

today, i cried because i'm alone
and because i'm going to semiformal alone
and because i'm getting ready alone
and then i went in the bathroom to clean myself up
and i looked in the mirror and realized why i'm alone.

We Can Try

What would you say
if I
told you that all I've thought about
is you
since you been gone
I wish some way, some how
I could turn this world right back around
and mend mistakes I made.

So I could say to you that
I know things aren't quite like what they used to be
different faces, different places yeah.
We could try, oh yeah we could try.

What would you say if I
told you that I'm not givin' up
however long it takes
It's clear that things have changed
since when we started
but we can't just walk away, babe.

So I am telling you
that I know,
thins aren't quite like what they used to be
different places, different faces yeah
We could try, oh yeah we could try.

I know, things aren't quite like used to be
different faces, different places, yeah.
We could try, oh yeah we could try.

I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be.
Different faces, different places, yeah
We can try, oh we can try.

I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be.
different places, different faces, yeah.
We could try, oh yeah, we could try
I know, things aren't quite like what they used to be.
different places, different faces, yeah.
We could try, oh yeah, we could try