"When we can no longer dream, we die" -Emma Goldman

Monday, October 25, 2010

I so desperately want to put your name here

it's actually painful to look at those photos. that's a different person, a girl I no longer know or recognize. that was the night everything COULD HAVE changed. but didn't. i'm going to regret this for a very, very long time. i regret a lot of things in my life. things i shouldn't have said, people i shouldn't have been mean to, etc. that night is one of those regrets. i regret not doing what i know i wanted to do. it all went downhill after that and i sealed my fate. unrequited love songs for the future. that should be the title of my biography. even though i don't write songs.

i miss thinking you cared, now i just feel pathetic when the thought crosses my mind. remember that night we watched the stars? i could have had you then, too. now i'm sitting alone, in my room, at 1AM wondering why you aren't mine. she's a lucky girl, i'm sure she knows that though.

when i close my eyes, it's you i see. when i take a step, it's you i'm walking towards. i know this is all intense and stuff, but it's the only thing i think about at all, so these things sort of develop. it's been what? 4-ish months? so it's not totally weird. when i look at us, i see a subjunctive relationship; a whole lot of could-have-beens and a handful of should-haves.

we aren't logan & veronica, we aren't ron & hermione, we aren't bill & sookie. we're us. i'm just another girl who's hopelessly in love with you and you've got a girlfriend. i can't even claim a TaySwift defense and say she's a horrible bitch who doesn't deserve you because, as far as i can see, she's really nice. good for you two. that just makes me feel like an even worse person for having these feelings because i can tell they make you uncomfortable, but i don't not want to spend time with you, i like hanging out, you're fun and funny and, i don't know…i like looking at your eyes when you're not noticing me. god i'm weird/sketchy.

this will be another saga i get to tell when i recount all the things that make my unrequited love curse true. i was hoping you'd be the prince charming (with the killer abs) to break the evil curse. but i guess i'm still stuck in a tower, asleep, and the thicket still stands.

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